tyson & teddy

hello again

2011-06-18T23:07:00.003-04:00

I know, I know...it's been forever. I just feel the urge to write today.

I just did the most difficult thing that I've ever had to do up until this point in my life. My boyfriend Daniel just moved back to Connecticut and I took him home. It was a nice vacation (it was excellent to have my first "vacation" since I started working for RL back in September 2010), but I'm home now and really sad.

I don't know how to make the empty feeling go away. I know Daniel and I have had a long distance relationship for the past year now (he lived an hour away), but for some reason this feels extremely different. I have this overwhelming anxiety because I don't know when I will see him again. I have wisdom tooth extraction next month and hopefully he will be able to come for that, but it's a slim chance. If I don't see him in July I probably won't see him until January. That is forever away and it scares me. I know we are strong and we will make it through this but I really miss him already. I want to be able to see him two times a week on my days off, but it's really impossible to take a trip to Connecticut to do that. It's hitting me really hard that we are apart now.

The good thing is that this has given me an opportunity to accomplish something amazing. It may not seem like a huge deal, but I just drove almost 12 hours by myself. I left Connecticut at around 10:30 am and made it home at 8:50 pm. I drove across the Tappan Zee Bridge and didn't have a panic attack, pulled off the highway in Pennsylvania for gas and didn't get lost, and used a rest area without incident. I've never driven that far alone before and I feel so proud of myself for getting through it. Now I keep telling myself that all I have to do is make it through the months without seeing Daniel and I will be fine. We have plans for me to move up North, hopefully by this time next year. That seems like a lot of time but when I think about how much money I need to save I get a little freaked out and overwhelmed. Not to mention I have to make arrangements for my adorable babies (my dogs, Grumpy and Daisy). I can't leave them behind and it is nearly impossible to find an apartment or rental home in CT that accepts dogs. Why a place would allow cats but not dogs is a mystery to me. I'm not a cat fan in the first place, but honestly they have a tendency to "spray" all over the place (I guess this equates to marking their territory). Also, the indoor cats cause odor problems with the litter box if the owner doesn't clean it out regularly. Sure, dogs have accidents, but I'm a responsible mommy and make sure that all messes are cleaned immediately. I guess it's just too much of a risk to allow a dog and have an irresponsible owner let the place go to crap. It just stinks that it will be that much harder to find a place with Daniel.

Another thing I have anxiety about is leaving home. I love Daniel and I very much want to live with him, but 12 hours away from the place I've lived all my life is daunting. I have to leave my family and the few friends I have behind. Also, I've never been up north during the winter (and we rarely have any horrible snow in NC), so I have no idea how to drive in the snow/ice/whatever else. Also, I'm sure it's really cold up there from about late October to probably early March (again, I'm not sure). I love cold weather and would welcome a change from sweltering, humid summers, but am I really ready for below 0 temps? Probably not. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes.

If anyone has any suggestions about how to survive a long distance relationship, please comment. I need all the help I can get! I have to admit that I don't feel as horrible now as I did when I was trying to prepare myself for this day; but at the same time I still feel really empty inside. I'm hoping that this feeling will fade with time, and hopefully I'm blessed with a short waiting time for beginning my life with Daniel. We both know we want to work towards marriage but it just seems so out of reach at the moment. I hope this will get better!!!

I've rambled on enough, so I will end now. Hopefully I'll get around to writing here more often (I feel like I say that every time I sporadically come here), but we shall see. On a side note, I'm REALLY happy to have tomorrow off. Sundays are made for lying around the house, not working! :) Until next time everyone...

2010-11-27T21:59:00.002-05:00

Lately I have been quite dissatisfied with my post-grad life. I never imagined that life after college would be so difficult. I also realize that waiting to go to graduate school was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. Why? Because I feel like I'm wasting time. I couldn't wait to get out of school and take a break to decide what I want to do with my life. Now I realize that I had it pretty good while I was in school. Life was much simpler.

Here's what is wrong:
I am having money issues.

I recently got two loan statements declaring that my grace period has ended and informing me of my payment schedule. All together my loans are almost $300 per month. In March I will have to start paying on another school loan and that payment will be $40 per month. I need to apply for income-based repayment so I'll have some money in my pocket and it won't all be going to keeping my credit score high. I need a new car! With those payments I won't be able to afford a new one for the next ten years.

Tonight I gathered a bunch of information for applying to law school. The total fees I will incur during that process come to just short of $500. I need to accrue that money by February 15. Along with that, I need to find two people willing to write some outstanding letters of recommendation for me. I also need to somewhat prepare for the LSAT. I know that I absolutely cannot wait another year to go back to school. I need to start a career and ASAP! I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck already.

My job is another thing that I'm having issues with. I love the company I work for and the people I work with. However, I dread going to work most days because call center work is just not for me. I enjoy doing customer service, but talking on the phone all day wears me down. I always have a huge headache at the end of the day and my ears feel numb and sore from the headset I have to wear. If I could do something other than take phone calls all day I'd be happy. For now though, I just have to deal with it. I will probably start applying for other jobs soon, though. I just hate to think I'll be back in the job hunting process because it is so tiring and frustrating, but it must be done.

In happier news, my anniversary with Daniel is on Wednesday. I can't believe it's been a year already. I've never been happier. I know things have been rocky at times but we always move past the difficulties and at the end of the day we know we love each other. I recently came to the conclusion that he makes me feel normal. This is the closest to normal that I've felt in a VERY long time. And on that note, I will conclude this entry.

as the end draws near...

2010-09-29T07:33:00.002-04:00

Maybe I'm just overreacting, which wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me, but I feel like my relationship is coming to an end.

The truth is, I'm tired. I'm really, really tired of everything. The fights, the early morning/late night calls when he knows I have to go to work the next morning, the constant disrespect and disregard for my culture, family, geographical location, etc. I love him to death, but how far can I go on if I'm truly tired?

This is the first time I've seen an end coming and I know what I need to do. A break may work, but then again a permanent break will probably be better. The thing about this ending is that it's a sad one. In the past my relationships have ended on a harsher, angrier note. There was resentment and name-calling and a number of other ugly things. This one is different. I still have the same feelings for him as I did when we first met. I can't help him anymore because he simply won't let me. He says I don't know him, but how can I know him if he won't let me in?

I think Facebook should have an "In a Failing Relationship" option. We already let our business be known all over the internet so why not reveal the true status of our most private moments? So unless this is fixed (and it definitely takes two WILLING individuals to do so), I may have to change mine to "Single" soon.

That's all for now...

without further ado...

2010-09-14T18:19:00.004-04:00

I'd like to introduce

GRUMPY!

I know I've mentioned him here once or twice but never devoted an entry just to him. As most of you know, I've wanted a miniature dachshund for years. I finally had my dream come true on May 2 of this year. My parents got Grumpy for me as a graduation gift. I adopted him from Doxie Acre Dachshund Rescue out of Germanton, NC, and I couldn't be happier.

This little dog is the light of my life. He only weighs 11 pounds, but he brings ten times that much love to me everyday. At first I wasn't sure that we would bond because he seemed to love my brother a lot. The first day I had him he was just becoming used to his new environment, so he cried and whined for his foster dad to come back. Grumpy was sad for a few hours, but soon found solace in my brother's arms. Unfortunately I had to go back to school that night for a final exam the next morning, so Grumpy and Thomas bonded while I was gone. Later the next day, mom called me and told me that I better come home or I wasn't going to have a dog! I rushed home and held and played with Grumpy until eventually we were inseparable. The hard part came just two days later when I had to go back to school to turn in my last final and clean up my apartment, oh yeah, and GRADUATE! So even though the day I'd been waiting for since 2006 was finally upon me, all I could think about was my little Grumpster, who was sitting at home missing me. On May 9, after a special graduation, all I could think about was getting home to my little doggie. I'm so glad that we bonded so well. He follows me around the house constantly and sits on a chair by the window watching for me to get home. I love Grumpy so much and I can't imagine a better dog. He's very playful but also shy around other people at first. He loves to roll on his back and have his belly rubbed and snuggle in piles of blankets and pillows on the days we change sheets. This little dog honestly makes me feel a love I've never felt before and I'm just so happy to have him in my life! He's the perfect companion for me, so waiting so long to get him was well worth it.

let me go

2010-07-08T18:21:00.003-04:00

Lately I haven't been able to sleep. This is a problem I had last summer and up until the fall of last year when I started taking medication for it. Seeing as I'm uninsured I can't continue to take my Lunesta and therefore I'm hurting. Things were good for awhile, but now that I'm completely unsure about my work situation I'm stressed and anxious and broke. That's probably why I can't sleep. But also, a certain someone who I've mentioned here before keeps coming back into my dreams. These dreams jar me awake and I can't get back to a restful state. I wake up almost every hour. Why do you have to bother me so much? Why can't I just let YOU go? Or maybe it's you who can't let ME go. I don't know. Either way, I really need to find some peace or I will be running on empty again and I hate that feeling.

In other news, I had a job interview in Chapel Hill yesterday with Harrington Bank. I have a lot of experience relative to that position so I'm crossing my fingers, eyes, and toes in hopes of getting it. If I do I will be moving back to Chapel Hill and getting an apartment with Daniel and Grumpy (my miniature dachshund who I've left out of this blog). I can't wait to start my life but I'm scared of what the future holds because of financial reasons. I don't know why I can't seem to save a dime but I've got to get better about keeping track of my earnings. Hopefully I will learn how to better manage my money and start saving for law school expenses. Just something to ponder.

Until next time...

feeling low

2010-06-24T18:54:00.003-04:00

I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything, watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
-Linkin Park, "By Myself"

So today has been one hectic day for my emotions. The verse above definitely describes how I feel right now, right down to the very core of my being. I know I can't help all the things that have gone wrong but they still bother me. First thing's first: my job. I've worked this summer job for four summers now and I thought I was going to get on the permanent staff since there were openings. I found out yesterday that I won't be allowed to join High Point Bank, a place where I love to work, due to a conflict of interest involving my mother's position with the bank. Honestly, I expected this so it didn't come as much of a shock. It could have been a lot worse. However, at the same time I was in the process of getting an apartment and starting to finally live the life I've wanted to live for a long time. I want to be independent and live on my own outside of my parents' house. This is a basic want felt by most college graduates and I thought I was going to get it fulfilled. Along with having housing covered I would have been getting benefits. On midnight of my graduation day my insurance was canceled because I would no longer be a full time student. This leads me into my next point.

I've been sick for the past three weeks with first medication withdrawals and now some sort of allergy attack/sinus infection that turned into a nasty stomach virus a few days ago. I decided to come off of my depression medication because I felt like things were finally looking up enough so that I could handle them. Stepping down Effexor is like taking a meth addict off of the drug without a methadone clinic. My head was spinning, I had no balance, orientation, or equilibrium to speak of. I had to miss 2 and a half days of work because I was in no condition to be there. After I came off of those withdrawals I felt physically better but could tell immediately there was a difference in my mood. I am recognizing the same symptoms of my depression: sleeplessness, irritability, loss of interest, loss of appetite, lethargy, and bad mood swings. Due to the fact that I have no insurance I can no longer take my medication and so I have to find a way to deal with these feelings on a daily basis. The day I felt better from my withdrawals I had an awful sore throat that turned into me not being able to breathe and subsequently cost me another half a day of work. Earlier this week, after thinking I was over the sinus infection, I woke up with severe nausea that didn't go away and a bout of stomach and digestion problems which I will not go into. That finally ended yesterday, so now I'm back to the stuffy sinuses. Hopefully I didn't have anything more severe than a sinus infection (like strep throat). I never get sick until I don't have insurance! Then it's like a flood of ailments all rushing in at once.

Finally, I feel like I've failed. A LOT. Sure, I've graduated college. But what does my degree say? Bachelor of Arts: English. Today I was scanning the University Career Services job database only to find absolutely nothing that I could do with my degree. For now I'm pretty much stuck in either retail or banking because that's what I have work experience in. I'd rather not go back to retail. That would be a huge waste of four years of college. I am currently regretting my decision to not continue my education and apply to law school like I should have. I thought taking a year off would give me time to build savings and relax from the stress of college, but I was wrong. I'm way more stressed out now than I was at the end of my final semester. I feel like my days at the bank are numbered since I only have until mid-August to find a job, and that's putting a lot of pressure on me. I need money to take the LSAT, apply to law school, and find a place to live. Not to mention the fact that I have a boyfriend who currently has no job, no car, and no way to support himself, let alone me. I'm not used to being the main provider in a relationship and it's really weighing me down. Things have to change, and soon. Otherwise I'm going to sink quickly and spiral into the depression I worked so hard to pull myself out of.

I hate that this has to be such a depressing blog entry but I don't know what else to say. Also, today is the birthday of my former best friend, Lucy. I don't really want to get into what happened to us but let's just say that we had a really bad falling out early in the school year. I wish things could have been different, but really, not having her in my life for the past few months has been a good change for me. My outlook on things is different and I can breathe and speak my mind without thinking twice about it or having to come up with an excuse about why I feel a certain way. Basically I can just be myself, no strings attached. It feels good but at the same time I was really sad to lose someone who had been so close to me for almost four years. All of these things add up to be a horrible mood dampener so I don't know when I'm going to pull myself out of this funk but I certainly hope it's soon. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and if anyone's out there who can relate please share how you got through your rough times. If there's ever been a time when I needed a lot of support this is it.

Thanks everyone.

I'm back

2010-06-01T07:31:00.003-04:00

So I haven't written in quite some time. Life seems to catch up to you in that way. Right now I'm relaxing a little before I eat breakfast and head to work. Yep, that's right, work! I am officially a college graduate and have a job, which is hard to come by these days. Luckily my summer internship has been very good to me and I will hopefully become a permanent member of the High Point Bank staff soon.
I guess that's enough for catching up so I will go on to mention something that has been bothering me lately.
Around March I started having these dreams where a certain someone would always be in the same area I was. This someone and I do not get along and seeing them around me has caused me anxiety for the last few months. Anyway, seeing them in my dream was not a good thing because we would always get into fights and then I would proceed to beat the crap out of him/her/it. People who know me know that I'm not a violent person at all so the thought of having a physical confrontation with someone who used to be close to me is really disturbing. A few nights ago I had another dream where this person invaded and people were comparing us. Of course this dream did not go well either. I don't know what to do. Is this underlying anxiety about a lost friend? Probably. I would feel a whole lot better if I could stop dreaming about them. The sad part is, consciously I'm not aware of my anxieties but apparently my subconscious is still reeling because these dreams don't come out of nowhere. It's just so sad that things have to happen this way, but usually they're for the better. I just wish my mind would stop haunting me!
Time's up now so I have to finish getting ready to go to work. I will try to be better about writing. I've missed this.

fate

2009-12-09T14:22:00.003-05:00

I always hear a lot of people talking about their fates, but I never really considered mine until last week. It's crazy how life brings people together, rips them apart, pushes them away, etc. Last week, I started dating Daniel. He is exactly the man I need and have been looking for for so long. The crazy thing about this whole thing is, we work together. He noticed me from my first day on the job and though I noticed we were getting closer (ie: talking more), I never imagined that a relationship would come of it. Over the Thanksgiving holiday we started talking online and eventually on the phone. We met up, hung out outside of work, and decided that we wanted to be together. This is all so sudden for me, especially since I just finished therapy for what was a terrible relationship that damaged me in ways I never thought possible. Oddly enough, I'm happy. Moving on is easier than I ever thought it would be. Getting rid of toxic people in my life has proved to be something that has been trying, yet extremely worthwhile. Chris and I are still friends, although we don't talk nearly as much as we used to. David and I no longer speak. Lucy and I are on the outs, probably permanently. But all of that is okay. At first, I was very unhappy with life and going through huge bouts of depression that just leveled me. In the short time we've been together, Daniel has managed to erase all my doubts about ever finding a real, honest, GOOD, man. Of all the people I've dated, he's the only man. A man is not someone who is tough 24/7, but someone who knows how to take care of their family, their obligations, and themselves. Daniel's had a hard life, but it's made him stronger and I appreciate everything that's happened that's made us come together. I think we both go together perfectly because we need each other to fulfill our needs. Not once in my life have I met someone so wonderful. He treats me with respect and is constantly telling his friends about me. He does little things for me like holds my umbrella, opens doors, pulls out my chair, or helps me with my coat. Even though we've only been together for a week I know that I love him. My heart tells me so. And this is so different from any kind of love I've ever felt before. After Chris ripped my heart to pieces I never thought I'd find what I thought was love again. Thank you, fate, for bringing me on the path that lead me to Daniel. Even though I hated being hurt by someone who I loved, it was all worth it. Everything is worth this. For the first time in a very long time, I'm happy. I feel secure, safe, and loved. That's all I've ever wanted in someone and now I've found it.
And PS: Daniel feels the exact same way =D

bus drivers

2009-10-31T12:21:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I think I project my anxieties onto others. I have been thinking about this recently because due to my move I've been having to spend a lot of time on buses. I wonder how the bus driver feels when people get on the bus and don't acknowledge his existence. He is giving them a free ride to their destination, so why not say hello, good morning, or thank you upon exiting? The thing that bothers me most is when I'm in a hurry and people keep pressing the tape to request a stop. I'd get so annoyed if I had to drive the bus and listen to that little ding followed by an overly happy female voice announcing "Stop Requested." I guess you could get used to it and not really care, but sometimes when I'm on the bus for a particularly long ride it feels like my chest gets tighter with every ding. I wonder if that's how the bus driver feels. I just have a problem with driving in general. Anytime someone tailgates me for five minutes, then speeds past me I feel really nervous/anxious. I wonder why they can't just go around. If I had to drive a huge bus full of noisy, rude students on their cell phones all day I'd probably go nuts (even more so than I already am). So I guess this is a huge thank you to all bus drivers. It's a job I know I definitely couldn't do and I'm glad that someone out there can. It'd be a tough thing for me since apparently just riding on the bus causes me stress.

rain

2009-09-21T23:23:00.004-04:00

No, not the weather. The song. Not the one by Candlebox but the one by Breaking Benjamin. Before I write about it I want to say that I am not the biggest Breaking Benjamin fan. I loved their album Saturate and then I felt like in every other subsequent album they "sold out" by totally changing their sound to fit what was popular back in that day. I think some of their new stuff sounds similar to their older songs but anyway...

I am listening to Rain on the album We Are Not Alone. It is such a pretty song and it brings back a lot of fond memories and nostalgia for me. I don't know why but usually when I get into these moods and listen to songs like this I cry and my heart pounds and anxiety builds up in my chest. Even though my eyes are burning just a little, I'm really happy. I think the memories that this song evokes are those of my relationship with Chris, how happy I was with him and just the simple feeling of comfort when he reached for my hand in the car or rubbed my back just a little when he needed to touch me. Just sweet little gestures like that and the way they made me feel are what this song reminds me of. I'm not sad at all, just feeling very mellow and content and somewhat on top of the world. Even though we aren't together anymore I can sit back and realize what a wonderful guy I had and how good it made me feel. It isn't all the time that a guy as great as he is comes along. Even though we had a lot of ups and downs (most of which you've read about here on this blog) I still consider our relationship to be a learning experience and overall I am very happy that I was able to live it, the good and the bad, even for just a little bit. I wouldn't take back one thing that I went through with him even though a lot of it hurt. Love is a crazy thing sometimes.

Without further ado, the lyrics and the song:

Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,

I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion of
A heart to wrap around
so I can find my way around

Safe to say from here,
You're getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,
is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

hello again

2009-09-17T08:31:00.002-04:00

I know I've been away from here for so long, but I just felt like I didn't have anything to say. This morning I woke up feeling energized so I told myself I was going to get on here and write something. Good thing there's a topic I want to discuss! As usual, it's relationships, but this time it's not one of mine. Actually, it's complicated because it is a relationship I had previously but now I'm not involved. I suppose I should explain (warning, this could get rather lengthy)...

My freshman year in high school I met David. We started dating in February 2003 and things got off to a rocky start because people thought that he broke up with his girlfriend (who was a close friend of mine) to date me. I never thought that was the case, but years later David told me that he did break up with her to date me. Anyway, we dated until my freshman year in college when I broke up with him in December 2006. We almost dated for 4 years so as you can imagine, it was a long relationship filled with plenty of ups and downs. After we broke up we remained good friends who still cared for one another and it felt weird for both of us when we wouldn't speak or hang out a lot. Life went on and I was there for him through some trying times and he was definitely there for me when I was going crazy from my most recent failed relationship. All in all, I thought we were going to be friends forever. I was wrong.

Without going into the whole story, which could take you hours and hours to read and for me to type out, David can be a really sucky friend. The two instances I have in mind are these:
1. He started talking to this girl named Brenna (who is the spitting image of me...no, seriously). One day I was really sick and had to go to the doctor and we had lunch plans. I let him know that I might be a little late for lunch because the doctor was being slow. Anyway, once I got out of there and I let David know we could head to lunch he opted to go hang out with Brenna. Obviously this broke my heart and since I wasn't feeling well already I just got really emotional. This was our first huge fight over something like this.
2. After Brenna didn't work out David starting talking to a girl at his school named Lucy (which is oddly my roommate/bff's name). This girl is 19, 18 when he started talking to her, and he is 24. For obvious reasons her parents don't like the idea of them dating, and besides that, she already has a boyfriend! David and Lucy like to hook up behind her current boyfriend's back and she's always saying to David "Oh, I'm going to break up with him soon, I promise. I can't lose you," etc. You know, the usual crap.

So now that you have an idea of what's going on, I'll finally get around to writing the post I've got in my head. Doesn't the situation with Lucy sound so familiar? We see it in movies and television shows all the time. The naive mistress continues to sleep with the married man, hoping that some day he will leave his wife. She keeps hanging on until finally the man kicks her to the curb and tells her that he will never leave his wife, especially not for her. In this situation it's reversed, of course. I think David and Lucy have been talking for quite a bit now (I'll guess since February, but it could be longer). Ever since then she's been saying "Oh, I'm going to break up with Michael. I want to be with you, I don't want to marry him," etc. Well has she gotten around to doing it? You guessed it: NO! In the meantime she has been getting really jealous of the friendship that David and I share. Apparently she felt as though I still wanted David and that I'm really attracted to him. I can honestly say with fervor that none of those things are true. On many occasions I tried to tell her that I am still in the process of healing from my break up with Chris and I definitely DO NOT want to date David EVER AGAIN. Why can't exes be friends? I think it's nice if that works for you and there shouldn't be any animosity from the new girlfriend/boyfriend. And, if there is, they're not worth it anyway. Especially since that's the first sign that there's no trust in the relationship which means that ultimately it will fail. This is one big reason why things between David and Brenna didn't work out. She didn't like me because David kept showing her the negative side of me (which I'm sure he beefed up quite a bit) and so that caused a lot of tension. Miraculously, David grew some balls and told her that if she didn't like me then they couldn't date because we were good friends and it was always going to be that way. That situation is definitely nowhere close to the current one.

A few weeks ago David and I got in a fight about Lucy and now we don't speak. Apparently within a week's time "we've drifted apart" and "our friendship doesn't mean anything to [him] anymore." That's fine with me because I'm sick of the ups and downs of being a "friend" to him. I say "friend" because I'm only that close when it's convenient. Since he's all hot and bothered for Lucy I can't be in the way and so therefore, our friendship is conveniently over for him. I'm sick of that crap so I'm dealing with it, and seriously I don't feel any pain over losing him as a friend. That's so strange for me to say because usually I'd be all to pieces over something like that. I guess I have finally realized that I don't need people like that in my life and I can move on and be happy. It's such a relief to not have to worry about things going wrong or when the next time I'll be ditched in favor of an immature, cheating sophomore.

A final point I'd like to add is that if she hasn't broken up with him, she's never going to. She apparently ended their relationship a few weekends ago but then immediately got back together with him because she felt like she "made a huge mistake." Okay, if David hasn't picked up on the clues yet, that's a major one. If she feels that way about being with Michael then I'm sorry, it's not going to change. She wants the best of both worlds: a boyfriend when she's at school and a boyfriend who she's really comfortable with when she's at home. Real life isn't like that honey. You have to choose because you can't play the field forever. If you continue to go through life participating in this stupid game you are going to lose, trust me. I've seen much more in life than you have and I can tell you these things are certain. You are setting yourself up for failure and hurting not only yourself but your current boyfriend and David. Is all this really worth it? Last night I texted David and asked if he had moved on yet. He said no and that he wasn't going to because he didn't want to. I said that was stupid because it's obvious at this point that she's never going to seriously date him. A few hours later I got a text saying "Lucy says bite me," to which I replied "Whatever." I'm a senior in college, going to graduate in May, and I'm busy doing homework and looking for a job. I really don't have time for immature BS like these two are pulling. So on that final note, let me just say that I'm glad to be out of the situation for good. People in college, especially David (at his age) should not act like that. But perhaps that's why they're perfect for each other in that really dysfunctional way: they're both really immature.

I'm out. Hope you've enjoyed my latest rant. I'll try to keep them coming.
PEACE.

winds of change

2009-07-16T18:03:00.002-04:00

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
-Bob Dylan

I really like the song who's lyrics I posted above. It's called "To Make You Feel My Love" and it's been covered a lot (Garth Brooks, Adele). Anyway I was just thinking that I'm starting to change the way I think about things. I can sit back and regret what I've done in the past or I can change the way I do them in the future. I'd like to think (as I've said before) that I have no regrets, but that would be a lie. I do regret things...A LOT. However, I want to change that. I want to be able to live my life minus regrets from now on because the past is the past and the future is only what we make of it. I am in a bad place right now, but I can start to see the tiny glimmer of hope that's going to get me out of it. That hope is how I experience new relationships in the future. I know what I've done wrong in the past and I understand my mistakes, so in order to have better experiences in the future I know what I have to change and what can remain the same. I may not be able to make amends for wrongs committed previously but I can try and prevent them from happening again. All I really want is to be happy, first alone and with myself, and later with someone who can make my wildest dreams come true. I want someone to care about me and treat me well, but also realize that I'm not perfect and embrace my flaws, and in return I will do the same. Love is a powerful thing, but before you can truly love someone else you have to love yourself first. I am working on that. It's been a long time since I've been hopeful like this and can actually see myself moving forward instead of being stuck in a rut. I like this feeling. Here's to the change developing in me. I hope as time goes by things only get better...

sleepless in high point

2009-07-13T21:43:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the ridiculously cliche title but it was necessary (haha). This is the first time I've written in so long because I haven't really had anything to say. I've been going through some really difficult times lately and I just haven't felt like blogging I guess. Have you ever been completely unable to sleep, even though you are really tired? Welcome to the way I've been coping for about a week now. I'm so sleepy and when I go to bed I can't get comfortable. I roll around all night long and finally end up sleeping okay just a few hours before I have to wake up for work. I have no idea what's causing this, but a good guess would be some anxiety, either subconscious or staring me right in the face. Up until yesterday I would say that it was subconscious for the most part. Once again I'm going through a hard time with Chris. I want so desperately to be friends with him but at the same time I can't find a way to let go/move on. No amount of medication or therapy or grieving is going to help me. I have to decide what to do for myself and when to do it and then actually carry through with it. I've already starting slipping. Yesterday I made the decision that we needed time apart. I feel myself starting to say "Oh, well I was just angry." I know I should be happy that I've done something good for myself but instead all I'm getting is the most intense explosion of anxiety I've ever experienced in my life. Thankfully I go back to my family doctor on Thursday and he will probably up my dosage of the anti-anxiety medicine. Hopefully then I'll get some relief. Until then, I am sleeplessly yours.

summer storm

2009-06-11T17:51:00.000-04:00

Ever notice how volatile the weather is in the summer, especially in the south? This is the third night in a row that dark clouds have crept on the horizon with the threat of rain. Last night I was in the gym on the treadmill and the whole place was lit up by the lightning. I watched as the sky got darker and darker and when I walked out to my car the air smelled of rain. I was about 15 minutes away from home when the rain came as a torrential downpour. I think summer storms are kind of eerie and mysterious but they can be cool sometimes too. We've been having lots of severe storms in the area lately though, which is never fun when there's an aftermath. For example, yesterday morning Tanglewood Park (outside of Winston-Salem) had to be shut down because there was a lot of wind and rain on Tuesday night, causing some damage. Thankfully High Point hasn't been included in the cities suffering in the aftermath of storms. As I'm typing this the sky is getting darker. It'll probably rain tonight either on my way to the gym or while I'm driving back home. I just hope we're not going to have to hear about droughts this summer...Lord knows we've had enough rain this year!
Just a thought.
Until next time...

what I need

2009-06-09T18:04:00.000-04:00

Life is full of necessities. What is hard sometimes is differentiating between a "want" and a "need." It's so easy to say "Oh, I need that" when you really just want it. There are few things in life that I truly need because I already have a lot. For that I'm extremely thankful. I have a place to live, a good job, a car, and amazing friends. It is hard for me to think of something I'm lacking, but if you ask me what I want I could make a list of possibly hundreds of inane little objects, starting with a sandwich cutter that makes your food in the shape of a dinosaur. I've been seeing those at Wal-Mart for a few months now and I'd really like to have one. Anyway, I've figured out something that I need in my life, and that would be a good man. I'm tired of playing around with boys. I need someone who is in MY league and on MY level. I'm ready for someone to be emotionally committed to me and I to them. In essence what I'm saying is that I have a lot of love to give and I want someone to share that with. I deserve so much better than what I allow myself to put up with and to go through. So there, I'm done with teenage boys and on to real men. I want a relationship to work, to last, and to be happy. I want to cut the crap and just be. That's something I feel like I need as well. So, what I want/need to find is someone who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread (cliche, yet true). I know I can be hard to put up with sometimes, moody, and difficult, but deep down all I really want to do is love. So, anyone who is willing to stick it out with me for a little bit and see how I truly am, please feel free to let me know. I don't have my sights set on anyone, but I'm ready to move on. Get ready men...here I am!

anxiety

2009-06-05T16:49:00.002-04:00

This is a busy time of year for a lot of people, and this time my family falls in that category. I'm talking about graduation. My brother is graduating from high school tomorrow. By that I mean the formal ceremony takes place tomorrow night. He finished high school in January by means of "early graduation." So tomorrow afternoon we are having a cook out to celebrate. All week we have been spending a lot of time together because he was supposed to leave for the Marine Corps boot camp this Sunday. Yesterday that changed. His departure date has been pushed back to next month, so he's got a little more time at home. Anyway, I think everyone in my family has been keeping too close quarters because I'm feeling a lot of tension in my house. We all need to be on mood stabilizers I think. This is the first time this summer that my anxiety has flared up, which is pretty good since I normally get it 2-3 times a week. I haven't had any anxiety issues since final exams. My dad is upset that my brother's departure date got pushed back because now Thomas doesn't have a job and he can't make his car payments. That's obviously not good, and the tension from that disappointment is spreading. My dad has been ugly with me all day and I can't stand to be here. I just want to go lay on my couch and watch TV. Instead I am upstairs in my hot room wondering what I can do to avoid any and all contact with him. Yes, I am trying to avoid contact unless absolutely necessary. Unfortunately I can't get out of the house because we are going to dinner together tonight for Thomas. So that means at least an hour of jolly fun...if you could see me rolling my eyes right now you'd know how much I'm NOT looking forward to this. That's the problem with my family. If we spend too much time together or if something happens that makes one of us upset we all get involved and things start to look grim. Usually stuff is between me and my parents or just me and my dad. Occasionally it's my dad and brother. This time I'm an innocent bystander who's unfortunately getting pulled into the negativity of my dad's disappointment. It sucks but what can I do? I'm just doing the best I can by avoiding him right now. Hopefully this will blow over in a few days because I don't know how much more of this I can take. At least I go back to work on Monday and that will get me out of the house until the evening. Then I guess I'll just read my book upstairs or something if things are still tense.
Congratulations Thomas! I know it's great to finish high school. I hope things are better for our cookout tomorrow.
Until next time...

recovery room

2009-06-04T07:48:00.001-04:00

I haven't posted in quite some time! My lack of blogging and other internet activities such as getting on Facebook or checking email is due to my gallbladder surgery. I did that last Thursday, May 28. I'm finally starting to feel better. Let me tell you, this surgery was not very difficult but it was no piece of cake either. It took place at 7:30 AM so I was glad I didn't have to wait all day and risk getting really nervous about it. I was in the recovery room by 8:45 AM. I got lots of pain medication and the anesthesia was killer. The one thing that was the hardest to get over other than the anesthesia was the gas they use to blow up your abdomen. They have to do that so they can see inside to remove the gallbladder. It's a laproscopic procedure, meaning that the doctor uses a tiny camera to see inside and remove the gallbladder. Fun stuff. So the gas is really hard to get over because you can't pass it. The tissues in your body have to reabsorb it, and in order to do that you have to get up and move around. I wasn't able to do that until about 6:30 PM the day of my surgery. After I got over the gas I was okay. The only one of my four small incisions that hurt or gave me any problems at all was the 1/2 inch one above my belly button. It looks the nastiest, it's the biggest, and that's the one my gallbladder was removed through. Aside from the incision stinging, there was a lingering pain in my right side where my gallbladder was missing and in my right shoulder. Apparently the air supply to the shoulder is along the same line as the diaphram and that gets all messed up when they do this specific operation. So my shoulder has been killing me and the pain in my side isn't great either. However, today is the first day I haven't woken up absolutely unable to move without crying out. I go back to work on Monday and I'm a little nervous, but ready. I don't know how my dad has managed to sit around the house for 7 months due to his foot. I'm already bored and I've only been here a week! I just thought I'd update on my surgery and say I'm doing okay. I have to finish getting ready. We're going to Sam's Club to get stuff for my brother's graduation cookout this weekend.
Until next time...

remembering the past

2009-05-24T12:03:00.002-04:00

Getting married is something that I really want to do. I have no idea when or where that will happen, but if I had it my way I'd be tying the knot in about 3 or 4 years. When I think back on the early stages of my relationship with Chris I can't imagine ever finding a love like that again. We've made several attempts to resurrect some semblance of those feelings but it hasn't ever worked. We're just friends now, which is better for us because there's not so much pressure and we don't have to be "other people." However, I miss those crazy feelings and the thoughts of forever that we used to have. There was a time when I knew I wanted to marry him, to spend the rest of my days with Chris in a state of eternal bliss. Now I have no idea if someone that great will ever come along again. People say it's a once in a lifetime feeling that you get when you know someone is "the one." I thought he was, but apparently he's not, and I know I'm definitely not "the one" for him. When one sits and thinks about the past one of two things can happen. You can either be happy that you had those moments and be content with living with the memories, or you can get really sad and miss those days and wish that things would've been different. Regrets usually follow the latter of the two paths. I'm trying to make myself love the memories and know that it's not right for me to be with him. Most days I'm okay with that but there are some days when my wandering mind says otherwise. In the early stages of learning how to be single again your life can be rather difficult. Until I'm completely okay with everything I just want to lay low. I definitely don't want to make a fool of myself and ruin a friendship over these lingering feelings. Being friends with an ex can be hard but I've managed to make it work in the past. All I have to do now is rid myself of this baggage and move on completely. A little help would be nice.
Until next time...

horizontal

2009-05-19T17:40:00.002-04:00

...or vertical.
Those are the only two positions that I'm comfortable in right now. I absolutely cannot sit down for a long period of time (more than a few minutes). I almost started crying while I was driving home for lunch because I was in so much pain. I rescheduled my consultation with the surgeon to next Tuesday with a different person, someone my family has worked with in the past and not some no-name doctor no one has heard of before. Somehow next Tuesday seems like a really long time away. I don't have any pain medication, but I had some Vicodin left over from when I had my gum surgery and I took one of those last night. It DID NOT help. If that gives you any indication of what kind of pain I'm in right now, you understand how much this sucks. If Vicodin can't fix it, what can?
So what I want to know is what exactly qualifies as an "emergency"? I would LOVE to get this thing taken care of ASAP and not have to wait so long. Tuesday's only the consultation, not even the surgery. I just hope someone has mercy on me and either gives me some really awesome pain medication or that my surgery will be next Wednesday. The only thing that sucks is that Chris's birthday is next Saturday and I would love to be able to enjoy that with him, but I can't do that if I'm in the hospital or still recovering from surgery. Oh well, I will just have to cross that bridge when I get to it. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Until next time...

gallstones

2009-05-18T17:37:00.002-04:00

I had my ultrasound this morning and it turns out that I have gallstones. This means that I will have to have my gallbladder removed. I have a consultation with the surgeon next Thursday and then I'll schedule the surgery. Ultrasounds are really weird, by the way. I had always heard that the gel was cold, but the stuff used on me was warm. It was also kind of tingly. The little sensor thing that they move around on you is hard and uncomfortable, especially when it pushes on the thing that hurts (that would be my right side). Also you have to hold your breath for a few seconds which isn't really fun either because it's difficult to hold your breath while they're pushing on you. Overall it's a relatively painless procedure, but it's definitely strange. The sound the sensor makes feels really funny too. It kind of vibrates inside your body. I wonder what it's like to get one while pregnant? I suppose I'll find out in a few years. So for now I'm waiting and the pain in my side is dying down a little but not enough for me to be comfortable. I've found it's worse while I'm sitting. Well, I'm off to eat some (non-fattening) dinner and head out to the gym.
Until next time...

a pain in my side

2009-05-17T23:18:00.000-04:00

This isn't a metaphor for something annoying, it's the real deal. Since 3AM I've had a sharp pain beneath my rib cage on my right side. You know what that means? Gallbladder issues. Fun stuff. Let me start with a little history. Last summer I would wake up in the middle of the night with really bad heartburn that made me feel like I was having a heart attack. After the pain in my chest would subside, an extremely painful stomach ache would follow, keeping me awake longer. There is no comfortable position to be in with this kind of stomach ache. You can't sit down, stand up, lay down, or do any combination of these positions because nothing helps. Eventually the cocktail of OTC medications (and sometimes one of my mom's prescription pills) would kick in and save me, letting me sleep. The pain ALWAYS went away within a few hours. In October though, I had one of these attacks at school. The heartburn was unbearable, but it finally passed, leaving me with a stomach ache that lasted all day. I couldn't go to class and I just slept until 3 in the afternoon when I finally felt okay. I was extremely nauseous and couldn't really move. I just laid down and tried to sleep. Since then I hadn't had an attack until last weekend. The heartburn was extremely bad as usual, but for some reason the pain lingered in my stomach. When it finally went away I felt strange for the rest of the day. These experiences culminated yesterday (Saturday) at about 7:30 PM. Chris and I went to enjoy a dinner at Rockola in Greensboro. After my extremely fattening dinner I noticed my stomach felt strange, but I just put it off as gas. It didn't go away and when I got home I took two Gas-X to relieve the pain and went to bed. At around 3 AM I wake up with the same dull but terrible aching in my stomach, this time the heartburn did not accompany the stomach pain. The more I moved, the worse it got. I took a ton of medicine and an hour later it still hadn't improved so I took some more. I was in and out of a sleeping state because I was in so much pain. I wriggled around on the bed and moaned because I couldn't do anything else. I told my mom and she said I needed to go to the emergency room. I called Chris and he came over to take me, but when we got there it was packed. The pain in my side had not gone away so I went to an urgent care center. I knew something was up with my gallbladder because my mom and aunt both had the same problems previously. I told the doctor my symptoms and he drew blood to check for an infection. No infection, but I have to get an ultrasound on my gallbladder in the morning. Until then I'm on an anti-inflammatory and something for the intense nausea I have. The pain in my side still persists, and it comes in waves of being really sharp and painful to dulling down. I have never had pain last this long in this area, and medicine has always worked up until today. The prescriptions I'm on make me extremely drowsy so I keep fighting to stay awake to type. I will probably have to have surgery to remove my gallbladder immediately so please pray for me. I've never had a procedure done like this before. The only surgery I've ever had was back in October on my gums so I'm really nervous. I can't even go to work in the morning since I'm having that ultrasound. We shall see, and I will definitely keep you guys posted. Please pray that things work out in the best way possible and that I can actually get some pain-free sleep tonight.

working girl

2009-05-13T18:17:00.000-04:00

Yep, back to the grind. My first day back was Monday, a gray, rainy day. How amazing right? This summer I'm a floating teller so I get to move around instead of having a branch to go to everyday. This could be good or bad, I haven't decided yet. Although it will be nice to have a change of scenery every once in a while. On Monday I just got to observe to refresh my memory and I got sent to the branch I worked at last year (Westchester). It was fun to catch up with all my coworkers and also meet some new people. The customers are the same: either really grouchy or pretty nice. The coworkers are "all the same, but more bitter" as Geoff puts it. Tuesday I got to run a drawer after some brief review on Reg CC holds, fun stuff, I know. Today I just ran a drawer like usual. It's like riding a bike: once you've gotten the hang of it, it's very easy to pick up later. I'll be working at Westchester until next Friday when I'll switch to Eastchester. I have no idea what's in store for me after that. At least I'll get paid at the end of this month, though! I need that money for Chris's birthday and the huge tab I'm working up with him due to the fact that I am absolutely broke at the moment. So far so good though. I'm hoping that the summer and my job can only get better! I'm off to get ready for the gym now.
Until next time peeps!

layers

2009-05-12T17:43:00.003-04:00

Another survey...

LAYER ONE: On the Outside--

Full Name: Sarah Elizabeth Murray
Birthday: January 22
School: UNC Chapel Hill
Major: English
Current Location: Home in High Point, NC
Eye Color: Bluish green
Hair Color: Blond (?)
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius

LAYER TWO: On the Inside--

Your Heritage: English, Native American
Your Fears: failure, being alone, tight spaces, death, airplanes (eesh)
Weakness: I'm too demanding
Goal(s): find someone to love me as I am, become a successful lawyer, be a better person
Regrets: Chemistry 101, 'nuff said.
Change one thing about your life: I wish I would've gone to private high school
Relieve Stress: work out, watch TV
Hardest thing ever dealt with: breaking up with someone who I'm in love with
What upsets you: jerks, rude people, inconsiderate people
Vent about something: Nothing really to get off of my chest, I just wish I had more time in the day to get things accomplished.

LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow--

Your thoughts first waking up: It feels like I just went to sleep!
Your bedtime: around 10:30-11
Your most missed memory: last summer

LAYER FOUR: You’re picking--

Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
Single or Group dates: Single
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Neither, I'm a Luisiane girl
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee

LAYER FIVE: Do You--

Do Drugs: Nope
Have a crush: It's complicated
Think you've been in love: Yes
Want to get married: Yes
Believe in yourself: Usually

LAYER SIX: In the Past Month--

Drank alcohol: Yes
Gone to the mall: No
Eaten Sushi: No
Gone skating: No
Dyed your hair: No
Done something exciting: Not really

LAYER SEVEN: Have You Ever?--

Changed who you were to fit in: Not to fit in, but to be a better person in my relationship
Hid something from someone: Yes
Stole a note that you weren't tagged in: Haha yeah, good old Facebook...

LAYER EIGHT: Getting Old--

Age you're hoping to be married: In a few years, maybe 26 or so.
Age you're hoping to have children: Hopefully before 30, but not until I've been married for 3 years.
Want to travel to: Europe, California and NY again, Hawaii

LAYER NINE: Perfect Mate--

Best Eye Color: Blue or green
Best Hair Color: I seem to go for the darker hair
Short or Long Hair: Short to medium

LAYER TEN: What were you doing--

5 MINUTES AGO: Reading blogs
1 HOUR AGO: Counting my drawer at work
1 DAY AGO: Watching people count their drawers at work
1 YEAR AGO: Probably hanging out with someone or chilling during my last week off before work

LAYER ELEVEN: Finish the Sentence--

I Love: dogs
I Feel: neutral
I Hate: pain
I Hide: my true feelings
I Miss: childhood
I Need: more time

I've come to realize...

2009-05-08T22:55:00.002-04:00

It's a survey:

1. I've come to realize that my family...can be quite dysfunctional.

2. I've come to realize that my hair...is pretty amazing.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...I can relax.

4. I've come to realize that I need...therapy.

5. I've come to realize that my heart...can heal from being broken.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...I have to be someone else before people will like/accept me.

7. I've come to realize that when I'm mad...I really want to cry.

8. I've come to realize that cash...rules everything around me (haha).

9. I've come to realize that certain people...make me extremely happy.

10. I've come to realize that I'll never be...a doctor, nurse, pharmacist, or anything I ever wanted to be when I was growing up (so sad).

11. I've come to realize that drugs...should be legalized.

12. I've come to realize that the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend...will still break your heart.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...has a tendency to pop its back off randomly.

14.I've come to realize when I woke up this morning...I wanted to sleep in.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...I was in a good mood.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...how life is so complicated.

17. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...I'm usually wasting time.

18. I've come to realize that yesterday...was far better than today.

19. I've come to realize that today...I finally let go.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...I am okay.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...is a new day and it will only be what I make of it.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...make money so I can stop being worried about finances.

23.I've come to realize that my patience...keeps getting stronger.

24. I've come to realize that I love...being calm and anxiety-free.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...will be the end of my junk food and lazy days.

26. I've come to realize the best music to listen to...is whatever fits my mood.

27. I've come to realize that some friends...aren't really your friends after all.

28. I've come to realize that this year...will make or break me.

29. I've come to realize that I will always...love Chris, but in a different way than all my other exes.

30. I've come to realize that time...is the only way to heal.

the home stretch

2009-05-05T13:09:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is my last exam, and will arguably be my hardest by far. Not something I'm looking forward to. I'm planning on studying for it the rest of the afternoon so I can hopefully pass that class with a C or better. It's for my major so I need to get at least that, plus a B would be nice to make my GPA finally reach a 3.0. Here's a lesson for you guys out there: NEVER, and I mean NEVER, make an F in college. When I was a freshman in college I took Chemistry 101 because I thought I was going to be a pharmacist. Worst decision, ever. I made a B in Chem lab and a B on all of the homework assignments and quizzes in the lecture but when it came to the tests I never did well. My test grades for that class were 45, 11, and 16. No joke. I made a 52 on the final. Out of 200 possible points. Yep. That class kicked my butt and I don't really understand why I did so poorly on the tests, but I did and ended up with a big fat F in the class. I probably would've made an F- if that was possible. So yeah, I spent the rest of my college career trying to pull my GPA back up to a good, round number. So my lesson that I've learned is: if you don't think that you can pass a class, drop it. Don't be afraid. I've done that twice since I made that F. Never again will I take a class that is too hard for me to perform well in. Tomorrow afternoon I'll be a senior! I can't believe my time in college has gone by so fast. Soon it'll be time for me to hit the pavement and look for a job. Wow, scary! Now if I could only get my love life under control...then I'd be in the money.
Until next time...

optimism

2009-05-03T23:21:00.002-04:00

Staying optimistic is usually the way to go in most situations, at least that's what I've experienced in the past. There are just so many things going on in my life right now that if I let them overtake me, they could. Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and let myself be overwhelmed...I guess you could call these my "bad days." I think everyone has good and bad days. Even though the bad days are less than pleasant, we need them to keep us balanced. So through this time of anger, resentment, stress, unhappiness, unsettling, and heartbreak, I'm trying to remain optimistic. I know that as with all other unpleasant things in life, this too shall pass. My emotions are just a bunch of jumbled thoughts right now so I could be happy one moment and angry the next. I'm hoping to sort this out soon so I can get back to normal. Therapy anyone?

damn, here we go again

2009-04-30T09:55:00.002-04:00

So you know that quote from Austin Powers that's like "I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle." I'm starting to think that all things in life can fall into the "vicious cycle" category. This post isn't about eating though, it's more along the lines of relationship issues (wow, totally surprised you there didn't I?). Okay so I think it's over this time? I'm not going to fight it anymore because I don't have the strength, energy, will, time, or emotional capacity to put myself through any more of this. Maybe we're better as friends. I can tell myself that, but what do I do with the lingering feelings, the emotional baggage that comes along with a relationship's end? I've never been this way about anyone before and so it's hard for me to know what to do. I really don't have the time to commit to this right now seeing as I have exams and moving out to worry about and it just really irritates me how a guy can go from telling you that he's had the best day of his life with you to saying that you don't care about his feelings and that there isn't much of anything good to say about you. That's a real insult if you ask me, but like I said I'm trying not to let it bother me/get to me. I'll have to deal with this stuff at a later time. So yeah, vicious cycle: we're on then we're off, we love each other then we hate each other, he's sweet then he's an ass, we have three awesome days then we have one bad day and it darkens everything. Stick that on repeat and that's how my life's been going for the past year. Pleasant huh? When will I find that proverbial "Mr. Right" so I don't have to fret about this stuff anymore? No one ever said love was easy but damn, I think I've been through enough already!
Until next time kids...

top ten list #2

2009-04-28T18:54:00.003-04:00

My Top 10 Favorite Things to Do During the Summer

10. Drink Starbucks on the patio
09. Watch butterflies flutter on the flowers
08. Walk barefoot in the grass
07. Take a ride to the NC mountains
06. Lay out on the beach
05. Stay out late and sleep in on the weekends
04. Ride around aimlessly on sunny days
03. Relax in the pool
02. Watch the fireflies
01. Stand outside and trace the constellations at midnight with Chris :)

last day of class!

2009-04-27T12:03:00.002-04:00

Today is the last day of class- Halle-FREAKIN-lujah! Last night I stayed up until 2:15 AM writing my paper, which happened to be a little short (12 pages including works cited), but that's okay. I stayed at home so I had to get up at 6:45 AM to come back to school. My parents drove me back so that was nice. I'm a little woozy, but other than that I'm doing fine. Now all I have to do is work on revising (I decided to do this instead of writing 2 more chapters) my young adult novel, then turning that in at 5 today. Then I am home free! Until exams, anyway. So my exam schedule looks like this:

Thursday, April 30 at 4 PM: 18th century novel
Monday, May 4 at 12 PM: Growing up Latino
Wednesday, May 6 at 8 AM: Lit of the later Renaissance

Only three exams this semester, but I think I deserve it. I've had a lot in the past and this semester has been really good at kicking my butt. I am going home on May 6 and will not come back to Chapel Hill until August! YAY! Next year I have a whole lot of other things to worry about, like applying to law school and such, but I'll burn that bridge when I get to it! Right now I'm just really excited that I don't have much else to do except rest and study, and pack of course (blaaaah). Oh well. Off to do my revisions.
Happy Monday :)

what am I waiting for?

2009-04-26T10:08:00.000-04:00

So, it's Sunday. 12 page paper's due tomorrow morning at 10 AM. How much is done? Umm...maybe half a page. Yeah. I've been trying to get something on my Word document but I have no inspiration. I'm just so burned out from everything and ready to get this year over with. BUT I have to do this paper. If I don't I will fail the class and it's one of my major classes so that wouldn't be good at all. I have plans with Chris today so after those I will probably try to write a little more. But you know what, at this point I'm feeling helpless. I know I'm going to be up late tonight which really bugs me, and this thing has been hanging over me the whole weekend so it's been hard to enjoy myself. I really wish I'd gotten on the ball sooner and done this thing last week so I'd be finished. Also I have to write two more chapters of my young adult novel due tomorrow at 5 PM, but I'll just do that during my break tomorrow afternoon. I'm not too worried about it to say the least. Whatever.

It's also really hard to concentrate on your school work when you have relationship issues. I keep trying so hard everyday, not giving up, and it just doesn't seem to be working like it used to. I can no longer blame myself for this, but that doesn't make it any easier on me at all. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him again. That was hard enough the first time. I guess I have to leave it up to fate, que sera, sera, right?
Any ideas for the hopeless romantic inside of me?

I have to go get ready now so I suppose I'll update at another time telling you how late I stayed up. BLAH. Until [a zombie-like state induced post] next time...

with thoughts of failure sinking in...

2009-04-23T11:10:00.001-04:00

Yeah, so, I've got TONS (and I'm not exaggerating) of work to do before Monday. Two papers, two more chapters of my young adult novel, and I have to revise my semester research paper for my law class and submit it to a journal before 1:45 PM today. WOW. I'm in total freak out mode right now, but for some reason I can't seem to get the motivation to do anything. I got up at 8:20 (way early for me on a Thursday) and I've gotten some revisions done but now I have to change all of my MLA citations to Chicago Style because that's what the journal requires. I thought there was a function in Microsoft Word that made citations for you, but apparently that's only for the 2007 version and I'm still using 2003 which is straight out of the Jurassic period as far as computers are concerned :(. So now I'm pouring over my St. Martin's Handbook trying to figure out how to do Chicago, a style I've never used before. All this is killing me! Add some relationship issues to the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster. When your boyfriend tells you that "he doesn't feel a connection with you anymore" what exactly does that mean? Couples connect on different levels and each level is specific to the relationship. I have to figure out a way to fix this because I CANNOT lose him again. This I know for certain. Anyway, if I don't head out and start getting this work done: a) the title of this blog will become true to my academics and stop being just a Linkin Park lyric, and b) I won't be able to enjoy my fabulous weekend. In short, I better PEACE.
Until next time...

nights in Chapel Hill

2009-04-19T14:56:00.003-04:00

Last night I went out to a club on Franklin Street which is appropriately (and cleverly) named The Library. I went with Lucy and a group of other people and we had a great time. After they played the opening 10 seconds of "Bye, Bye, Bye" at 2 AM, we got shoved out the door by a Chapel Hill Police officer and commenced to roam Franklin Street. Immediately outside of the club, none other than Wayne Ellington (basketball player extraordinaire) runs up to Lucy and they start talking and walking off from the group. By this time I was like "what the heck?" because I'd never seen a basketball player of so much fame just come up to a girl like that and start talking to her. After they were finished talking, we decided to follow him across the street to a wrap restaurant called [B]-Skis. Inside the restaurant we saw Ty Lawson! Then outside on Franklin we saw former basketball player Quintin Thomas. This night couldn't get any better. And to make things clear on how much of a cocky person Wayne Ellington is, he was wearing a chain that said "Wayne's World." Ha ha. Nice one. So of course there are pictures on Facebook with Lucy and my friend Fiorda posing with Q and Wayne, and Ty with his hat pulled down over his face (classy Ty). What a great night. We finally hit the sack around 3:15 AM. I don't think I've ever had that much fun on a Saturday night here. This has to happen more often. Well, off to attempt to read Pride and Prejudice and start writing my paper on witchcraft. I can't believe it's the last week of class! Hallelujah!
Until next time...

stir crazy

2009-04-18T10:32:00.002-04:00

If I'm forced to stay inside all day, no matter where I am, I get really restless. Some sort of primal urge inside of me makes me want to go outside and do things. I love riding around aimlessly in cars, strolling around Target, and spending time with the people I care about most. I hate being cooped up in my house or wherever all day. It's so confining. Right now I'm looking out of my window and I see gorgeous sunshine, blue sky, and green tree leaves. I want to be out there, but I'm going to be inside most of the day trying to pack some things up and send them home. It's that time of year again when I have to stuff all of my accumulated belongings into boxes and send them home to sit in my attic and underneath my bed until the fall. I hate moving out of my dorm because I always have way more things than I thought I had and packing is never fun. Plus, I get to come home to a bedroom filled with boxes and hardly any space for me to walk. I'm hoping to get this taken care of earlier this year, though. I have to start working on May 11 and my first day home is May 6, so it'd be nice if I had a little space to get ready for work and all. I can't believe it's the end of the semester already! It's like these things creep up on you and you have no way of getting out alive. After packing I have to do work and write some papers and things, which I'm sure will be a joyous experience (did you catch the sarcasm?). I went to Davis Library yesterday and loaded up with some books to help me write a 12-15 page paper (yikes!). That's definitely going to make me restless to say the least. Add that to rereading Pride and Prejudice and you've got a recipe for disaster. Luckily I'm going out tonight so I won't get too stir crazy. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. I have to go get ready now, so until next time crazy kids!

love is hard

2009-04-13T19:24:00.001-04:00

Recently one of my friends was trying to get into a relationship, but it ended up not working out. I myself understand how hard it can be to have a meaningful, long-lasting, and somewhat successful relationship. But the thing is, you have to realize that if the relationship isn't working out, then that means you're not with the right person. I know how difficult it can be to be rejected by someone you have feelings for, and yeah it sucks, but honestly if that person is being a jerk to you, why do you want to be with them? That is also something that's really hard to explain. One day you'll open your eyes though and see the situation how it really is. To my friend who couldn't get his relationship off the ground: you didn't need her anyway. She is silly, immature, and obviously incapable of accepting the fact that someone CAN be JUST FRIENDS with their ex. I know you realize these facts, but it just helps to have someone on your side. I know you'll find someone who cares about you one of these days, so don't get so down on yourself. Despair is not attractive (and neither is being emo). So keep your head held high and give it some time. Love is hard. But in the end, it's totally worth it.

heaven, thy name is IKEA

2009-04-11T10:04:00.001-04:00

Yesterday Chris and I wandered down to Charlotte to go to the most amazing home furnishings store I've ever seen: IKEA. I'm really glad that I don't have any money because if I did we would've loaded Chris's car up with a bunch of stuff! They have so many cute/interesting things that I would love to own. I did buy a small pink lamp that's for mood lighting. It's a little globe with a bulb inside, but the glass is pink and has hibiscus flowers etched onto it. It casts a soft pink glow and looks really pretty in my room. IKEA is huge. It has it's own road off of I-85. Inside, you start upstairs in the furniture showroom, which is beautiful. It has a bunch of different rooms with all the furniture and lighting and accessories labeled. You write down the numbers of the pieces you like and then go into the marketplace. Inside the marketplace are the small things like fixtures, kitchen accessories, bedding, lighting, etc. Then you go into the self-serve furniture place which looks like a huge Lowe's Home Improvement. Basically you grab the furniture you like for yourself and then you go pay. An interesting thing about IKEA is that they have two places for you to grub down while you visit. The first is the restaurant on the second floor. They have a few dishes like pasta, chicken fingers, and sandwiches. All range in price from about $1.99-$4.99. Downstairs after you check out there's a place to grab wraps or salads and also a place to get hot dogs. Chris and I shared the two hot dogs, chips, and a soda combo and it only put us out $2.50! That's another bonus to this wonderful place: IT'S CHEAP!!! I'm not talking about just the food. In the showroom they had whole rooms in which all the furniture was less than $2,000. It is really beautiful stuff and I'm sure it's well-made. Everything is imported from Sweden and none of it was overpriced. My little lamp was only $6.99 and the bulbs were $2.99 for a 2 pack. My mom was buying a similar bulb for my brother's desk lamp a few weeks ago at Wal-Mart and she had to pay $2.52 for just ONE. Unbelievable. If you ever find yourself in Charlotte, definitely visit IKEA. I know I'll be going back when I have some money, and I'll most certainly register myself there when I get married!

bored

2009-04-09T15:48:00.002-04:00

It's Easter weekend so I'm home quite early. Let's just say that I'm sitting in my room bored. I'm looking around trying to find something, anything to do, but nothing comes to mind. I was supposed to go to the mountains tomorrow with Chris but the weather is going to be crappy. Now we're trying to find something else to do and that's not an easy task. Where can you go for a day that's as beautiful as the waterfalls in the North Carolina mountains? I can't think of one place I'd love to visit. Instead of just sitting here like a bump on a log I think I'm going to clean my room. It needs dusting and straightening so I suppose I could do that.
One a different note, I've got three major summer plans that I'd like to share...
1. Build a butterfly garden- I've always wanted to do this. Butterflies are really pretty and I think our house could use some sprucing up on the floral end.
2. Take the LSAT- Time to apply for law schools is rapidly approaching! June 8th is the day I need to do the LSAT so I can start visiting and shelling out money and time into applications.
3. Get in shape- I love to work out, so there's no reason why I can't eat better too. I really need to try to look my best and also get healthy so I won't have so many problems when I'm older.
Well, that's all I have for today. I guess I'm going to go get the Pledge and start doing a little spring cleaning *gag*.
Until next time, kids!

we are the champions!

2009-04-07T13:02:00.002-04:00

So last night my school won the NCAA Championship! WOW! I wasn't feeling well enough to join the celebration so I watched the game in my room. Once the news came on and showed pictures of Franklin Street littered with people jumping over bonfires I was glad I wasn't out there! But either way it was all fun, and I'm glad that we are #1 and I was at least in Chapel Hill when it happened.
Congrats Tar Heels!

aches & pains

2009-04-06T15:38:00.002-04:00

I'm no stranger to having my body hurt all the time, but this just really takes the cake. Apparently part of this sickness that I'm still trying to get over includes muscle aches. The area around my knees is the worst, and a close second is my lower back. Add my neck, ankles, and shoulders in and you've got the whole package. I can't even walk or stand up for very long so it makes doing any kind of activity unbearable. Example, last night I was bringing my things back up to my dorm room from my car and I swear I almost passed out. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of my body and my muscles couldn't function or something. I felt extremely weak. Then my legs started getting jittery (for lack of a better way to explain the sensation) and I felt like I was outside of my body. I have no idea how to describe this stuff because it's unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I'm really not liking this because tonight is the NCAA Championship Game and I would love to go out and watch it with my friends. I thought I'd be better by tonight, but my condition has not improved since this morning. In fact I'm pretty sure I've gotten worse. I was doing some homework in the basement of my dorm this afternoon and when I got up to come back to my room I could barely make it up the stairs. I have no idea how I'm going to walk to class, let alone make it outside for the game tonight. I'm really sad because this is one of those events that only happens every so often. My question is why do I still have to be sick? I'm starting to think that I may have mono...
Perhaps yet another trip to the doctor is in my near future.
That aside,
LET'S GO HEELS!!!! :D

rainy days

2009-04-02T11:22:00.002-04:00

They aren't good for the emotionally distressed. But alas, it is April, so that means probably about 20 more days of this stuff, interspersed with a few sunny days here and there. April was never my favorite month. I'd have to say that May probably is, just because it's not too hot yet and there are lots of flowers to make me smile. I've always wanted to get married in May, and I hope that will pan out for me one day.
Another thing I hate about rain is that it makes my hair and face look disgusting. My hair is so fine that it frizzes with any chance of humidity, and on rainy days it's just a huge fuzzball. My face on the other hand just feels extremely greasy and I also sweat a lot because of the moisture in the air. When I get out of school I'm going to have to move somewhere outside of the south so I don't have all this humidity pushing down on me all the time.
Also, rain makes me feel extremely unproductive. Today, for example, I don't have class at all so I'm trying to get started on using the day to practice for the LSAT and get my weekend homework done. All I want to do though is watch Sex and the City. I guess I'll have to make sure to push myself really hard to get things done. Perhaps my inability to be productive stems from the fact that I'm not exactly in the best of moods either. The person who I love more than anything has a tendency to break my heart even if we're not together. Breaking up is tough, but I'll get over it. It's only been two weeks right? I can handle it, but the thing that sucks is that when you have a heavy heart it only weighs you down more, making it hard to get focused on anything other than the matter at hand.
In other news, why is it so hot in my dorm room? Our thermostat seems to be messed up. The black line is pointing to 70, which is what we want it to be on, but for some reason the red line is at 75 and pointing at a weird angle. This has got to stop...blah.
Okay, off to get some work done. Hopefully I'll see the sun in a few days...:-\

it's gone

2009-04-02T00:05:00.000-04:00

I can't do this anymore.
I've been okay until now, when I know it's not ever going to work out. All I can do is say I'm sorry for the past and let it die.
Why does love have to be so difficult?
"Take the pain out of love, and love won't exist." -The Academy Is...

top ten list #1

2009-03-31T20:50:00.002-04:00

In lieu of blogging, I'm going to make a top ten list every now and then. This is the first one of the series (hence the title!):

Top Ten Favorite Moments with Chris

10. Peeps Jousting
9. My first ride in his 350Z
8. Visiting the Coke Museum in Atlanta
7. Weekend beach trip last June
6. One Year Anniversary at The Melting Pot
5. Parasailing in Florida
4. Spontaneous car dancing to Kanye West's "Bad News"
3. Trip to Looking Glass Falls
2. Our first kiss on February 29, 2008
1. The first time he held my hand in the car <3

"smoke it like a peace pipe, as they say"

2009-03-29T23:34:00.002-04:00

The title of this blog is what the nurse at the doctor's office told me on Saturday.
Remember how I wrote about me being sick for almost a month? Well the month of me being sick is official today, March 29.
Yesterday, I went to the doctor again for a second opinion. I saw a different doctor this time, thank God. I can't stand my family doctor. That's a story for another post though. Anyways, I was diagnosed with both a sinus infection and a respiratory infection. I walked out of there loaded up with prescriptions. Before they would let me leave, I had to take a peak flow test and when I didn't blow enough air on that test I had to get a breathing treatment. That's where the quote comes from. And while I was sitting there, "smoking my peace pipe," I was thinking about how crappy I've felt in the last month. It's been never ending, and something new each week. Here is a list of the medications I'm currently taking to fight these infections:
1. Inhaler, for my lungs (I'm extremely wheezy/short of breath)
2. Prednisone, for the inflammation in my lungs
3. Amoxicillin (antibiotic, I have to take 3000 mg/day of this stuff!)
4. A prescription eye drop (my eyes are also infected)
5. Mucinex D, for the sinus congestion
6. Saline nasal spray so I can actually breathe
These six medications are in addition to the antibiotic I already take daily for my acne, as well as the birth control pills I'm on. I really hope that I get better soon because one month is a really long time to be sick. Plus, with all that medicine, there's no reason why I shouldn't be feeling better! I'll keep updating on my condition, but now it's time for a little shut eye!
Until next time...

you're haunting me

2009-03-26T11:16:00.003-04:00

I always try to have no regrets. Sometimes that doesn't work out in my favor at all. It's so easy to regret the past and mistakes you have made or things you have done that were less than stellar. It always seems that when you go through a rough breakup you sit and think about all the things that went wrong and how you can fix them. Sometimes this is possible, but most times it is not. So why worry about it? I keep telling myself that things will get better. Emotionally, I've been okay, up until last night when I found out my ex had started talking to his girlfriend prior to me. I guess they were in love, but I don't really know much about their relationship. It just bothers me that he would start talking to her again so soon after we went our separate ways. I guess the thing that bugs me most is that I can't control the situation. I have no say in what goes on in his life anymore. Not that I ever wanted to control every aspect of every thing we did together or make his decisions for him, but I could at least say "I don't like that." If we were dating still, I wouldn't have a problem with him talking to her. I trust him. I know that he'd never do anything to compromise our relationship like that. I suppose I'm bothered because I feel threatened. If we were to work something out, then I would feel like she could get in the way. Or maybe I feel like he'll stop talking to me because he wants her back, then he'll have the dream that I wanted. I wanted to marry him, you know. To live in that big house and have a little family, be happy everyday, and just love him. I don't want someone else to have him like that, but I have to confront these feelings so I can let go. That's what I need, is to let him go.

viruses are gross

2009-03-24T20:33:00.002-04:00

I'm not one to complain about being sick, but damn! I've been sick for almost a month now and it's driving me insane. It all started when Chris got some sort of nasty viral infection, then passed it on to me (accidentally of course). We were both really sick and miserable and pathetic looking while driving down to Florida. You should've seen us, taking our Robitussin every 4 hours, endlessly sucking on cough drops, and blowing our noses with the huge box of tissues we bought before we left.
When we left Florida, Chris got way worse and I was on the mend. He started taking antibiotics, which were ineffective for awhile, then miraculously he got better. I, on the other hand, got sick again, just like he did! I went to the doctor and all I got was some lousy cough medicine (lol). Now we're both suffering from scratchy, sore throats, and mine kind of burns a little. I really don't think this junk is ever going to go away, but I guess that's what viruses do to you. Here's hoping we both get better soon! It sucks to be sick, especially with allergies right around the corner. It's a vicious cycle.

reality check

2009-03-23T18:55:00.002-04:00

I've used this term in life before...a lot. But only recently have I actually experienced one for myself. Actually, I've had quite a few of these pleasant little glimpses into who I really am (note the sarcasm). So to give you a little background on this entry, my boyfriend and I are breaking up for good this time. We've tried and tried to make it work and the fact is, we just don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues and a smooth, argument-free relationship isn't possible at this point in our lives. Yes, I love him, but I have to move on, or at least take a break from guys in general for a little while. All of this can be hard to handle, but we're mutually splitting so that makes the situation so much easier for me. There haven't been any late-night tears or lost sleep because I made an important decision: I'd rather have him in life as a friend than not at all. He knows this and has been very generous to me and my emotions for the past couple of days. For that, I thank him. He's such a sweet guy, which makes me even happier to have been with him for the year that he decided to put up with me.

So now, on to the reality checks.
#1: Saturday at breakfast, my dad says "The better you treat people, the more they screw you over." Now, it is important to understand that overall my dad is a pretty cynical guy. He said this comment in reference to an event unrelated to my break up. But as he said that, I realized that my boyfriend has called me out on this before. It really hit me hard, and that set off the chain reaction of more and more reality checks coming my way.

#2: I'm not always right. I have professed to realizing this about myself before, but never to this degree. I don't really have an example to go along with this, but just know that I have a deeper understanding of this fact now.

#3: People have different ways of doing things. I definitely have mentioned this here before too, but now I've also got a better grasp on this truth. Example: Chris likes to sleep in on the weekends, as most people do. My definition of sleeping in is waking up between 9:30 and 10:00 (rarely do I sleep past 9:30, though). That's because since I was 16 I've been getting up early to go to my jobs on Saturday and Sunday. Therefore, sleeping in to me is what some people consider early for them. Chris loves to catch up on his sleep until 12 in the afternoon. I've criticized him for this many times because I'm too selfish to let him rest. I'm jealous of his bed, to be honest. That may sound silly, but I want to spend time with him, all the while sacrificing his sleep which is vital to his lifestyle. Just because I do something one way does not mean that other people should have to do them the same way.

Looking at myself this way is really an eye-opening experience. Some of the things aren't so pleasant, but once you start realizing who you really are, you can be more understanding about the way others perceive you. I was wondering why these things never come at any opportune moments, but I guess that's why they're called "reality checks." As Lucy put it, it's a sign of maturity and I should be glad to have them.
I guess I am.
I'm learning what it feels like to have no one to blame but myself.

my dad

2009-02-26T11:23:00.002-05:00

Today my dad is having foot surgery for an injury he sustained back in November. From what I understand, they are going to be taking bone from his ankle, inserting it into the break, and then putting a screw in his foot. That doesn't sound like much fun. I hope that he heals up pretty well though, so he can go back to work. He hasn't worked since the second week in November and that's really hurting my family's finances, which were already strained to begin with. So if you read this, please just keep him in your prayers. He needs a full, speedy recovery so that he can start living his life again. He's been cooped up in our house since he hasn't been at work because he's not allowed to put any weight on his foot. He's had to get around on crutches and I'm sure that's annoying too. Just remember him today.

Thanks!

economic protection

2009-02-25T12:16:00.003-05:00

With the economy continuing it's downward spiral, sales are going down, businesses are failing, people are losing their jobs. It sucks. But there most be one thing that's prospering despite the crappy value of the dollar. Anyone venture to guess what it is? I was thinking, and my idea is that of all things, condoms are probably experiencing great sales right now. I mean, think about it. Who would want to bring a child into this economy? I'm sure having a baby is something that's not a popular idea at this point in time, so people are taking extra precautions. It's kind of like the reverse Baby Boomer effect...times were good when all of the men came back from World War II and so bunches of babies started to spring up everywhere. Now, times are in the toilet so people are trying to prevent the (I hate to say this...) extra expense of supporting another child. Has anyone confirmed this with the recent birth rates?

I'm not saying this is exactly true, but it's just another thing I was throwing around my head. I do that on occasion in order to block thoughts of other things out.

What do you think???

Oh, and Happy Ash Wednesday. What are you giving up?

kellogg's v. brown

2009-02-24T19:01:00.006-05:00

So, I rarely take to my blog twice a day (I think this is the first time), but I just HAVE to write about this. I've been keeping quiet about it for a few days now, but after reading this article on Perez Hilton, I just had to make the comparison.

Okay, a few weeks ago, this picture of Michael Phelps smoking a bong hit the internet. After everyone was exposed to that, Phelps lost pretty much all of his endorsements, which is extremely understandable. One of the companies Phelps did ads for was Kellogg's, and they dropped him like a hot potato (excuse the cliche)! Now a lot of people (and some I know personally) are boycotting Kellogg's because of this. In my opinion, that's a bunch of crap. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with people smoking weed. If you want to do that, it's your call and it's fine with me. However, what I do have a problem with is people who are supposed to be international role models smoking weed in pictures. If you're going to engage in such behavior, do it at home, behind closed doors, where people can't snap camera phone pictures and sell them to the tabloids. Kellogg's has every right to drop their endorsement if they feel as though Phelps is not representing their company's image. How much do they pay this guy? I'm willing to bet that it's at least five figures. If they don't agree with Phelps taking a huge hit off a bong, they can nullify their contracts and that's that. The same thing goes on the smaller scale. If someone you had working in your house, say a maid, a gardener, a babysitter, whoever it may be, and they were caught smoking weed, wouldn't you fire them? These aren't the kind of people who you would want working for your family, and by association representing you in public. A lot of people are arguing that it's stupid that marijuana is illegal, and that's why they're boycotting Kellogg's. Okay, you're right. It is stupid that marijuana is illegal, but the fact is IT'S STILL ILLEGAL! What Michael Phelps did was an illegal activity. Kellogg's does not want someone who participates in illegal activities representing their company. They terminated his contract. End of story. Also, I wonder how many people realize that Kellogg's sells a lot more than cereal. So here's a list of Kellogg's brands for those of you partaking in the boycott: Keebler, Pop-Tarts, Eggo, Cheez-It, Club, Nutrigrain, Rice Krispies, All-Bran, Special K, Mini-Wheats, Chips Deluxe, Sandies, Morningstar Farms, Famous Amos, and Murray.
I'm sure you've noticed that the list is pretty comprehensive. Good luck going to the grocery store and actually being able to buy something. If you're still eating and purchasing any of these foods when you said you were boycotting Kellogg's brands, I'm going to have to call you out as a big hypocrite. Either put down the Pop-Tart or shut up.

Next topic: Chris Brown beating up Rihanna.

The article I posted about Chris Brown losing all of his radio plays, endorsements, fans, etc. sparked an interest in comparing the two. What Chris Brown did to Rihanna is way more serious than Michael Phelps enjoying some reefer. You can't just physically assault someone like that and get away with it. I've already blogged about that though, so if you're interested in my take on the situation you should go read it. So after my disclaimer on the seriousness of this situation, I'd like to say that both Phelps and Brown are celebrities. They both did something illegal. Both are being punished with dropped endorsements, lost fans, and boycotts. This may be an obvious question, but why are people not getting upset about Chris Brown's lost reputation? Part of my nature is to be controversial, so after you over the initial shock of my question, just think about it. A crime is a crime. Punishment usually follows crime. Both men are being punished. Logically, this follows. Phelps is getting a slap on the wrist compared to what Brown is getting. He's not even being arrested or charged with anything, while other people involved in drug usage that night are! We complain about celebrities getting paid so much for "doing nothing" anyway, so why is it upsetting to a good number of the population that Phelps is being dropped by companies left and right? He no longer represents what they stand for. Whereas, if radio stations kept playing Chris Brown's songs, people would go nuts. DJs and fans don't support a woman-beating bastard such as Brown is, and since this is looked down on in the public eye, people are okay with him losing his fame or whatever you may say is happening to him. All I'm trying to say is that Michael Phelps no longer represents the companies that used to endorse him because of his drug usage. Chris Brown is no longer someone most people want to support because of what he did to his girlfriend. So why is it right to drop Chris Brown but not Michael Phelps? Think about it. To me, that is not a logical argument because, as I stated above, both have misrepresented their sponsors in the public eye. Sure, one crime was way worse than the other, but again, BOTH COMMITTED CRIMES!

Before I publish this, I'd like to re-state that I in no way, shape, or form support Chris Brown laying his hands on Rihanna. What he did was terrible and I, along with many others, will not stand for such behavior.
That said, I leave you something to chew on...

missing you

2009-02-24T17:00:00.002-05:00

After going so long without speaking, I feel as though it will be hard to readjust/weird. Maybe it'll be like the beginning of our relationship, who knows? All that I know is I miss you lots and lots and more and more each day that goes by and I don't hear your voice. I can't even remember what it sounds like, really. And when I look at pictures of you, it's like I'm looking at a stranger. It's all too much for me to comprehend sometimes.
Two weeks doesn't seem that long, but go without speaking and you'll see that it is. You miss so much in each others' lives and it's like you have to relearn everything about them. My memory keeps getting foggier concerning things like his personality, the things he said to me before we stopped talking, the way he looks when he's mad. I'm beginning to forget all the bad, so I hope I won't be disappointed. It's melting away, drying up, hopefully it'll stay that way.
There isn't a second that goes by that I don't think about you and how it'll be in just four days when we talk again. My greatest fear is that I'll tell you how much I've missed you and you'll tell me that you haven't missed me at all. I'm having nightmares about it.
I love you...don't let this love fade away.

busy week

2009-02-23T12:13:00.001-05:00

I have so much due this week that it's not even funny! There are always a few weeks in the semester where things happen to creep up on you and you've completely forgotten about them--or set them off to the side and not thought about them since they were assigned. This week is not going to be fun...and then I have a 7-9 page paper due next Monday, along with another writing assignment, and a presentation next Tuesday. WOW! Can you say STRESS??? I usually try not to let things bother me. I just do them (or don't do them until the last minute!) and let it be done. Stress sucks. It makes your face break out, your stomach ache, and your nerves jitter. Anywho, if I don't post for a few days, you know what's up. I'm buried under a pile of books and papers and won't be coming out for the foreseeable future. Thankfully, Spring Break is right around the corner. Goodbye UNC, hello St. Petersburg, Florida!

iTunes games

2009-02-22T10:31:00.005-05:00

As a change of pace from my normal moody/pensive blogging, here are a few games played with iTunes. Enjoy!
PS: I restarted the shuffle every time I started a new survey, hence the repetition of some songs.

****#1****

Open up your iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarrassing the responses might be.

How many songs total: 400
How many hours or days of music: 1.1 days

Sort by song title
First Song: Aeroplane (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Last Song: The 4th Branch (Immortal Technique)

Sort by time
Shortest Song: Intro (Kanye West) at 19 seconds
Longest Song: Last Call (Kanye West) at 12:41

Sort by album
First album: All That We Needed (Plain White Ts)
Last album: 80s Collection (Frankie Smith)

Top Five Most Played Songs
1. Redemption Song (Bob Marley)
2. One Love (Bob Marley)
3. Sugar, We're Going Down (Fall Out Boy)
4. Over My Head (The Fray)
5. I Belong to Me (Jessica Simpson)

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Paris in Flames (Thursday)

Search the following and state how many songs come up
Death - 4
Life - 12
Love - 11
Hate - 2
You - 41
Sex - 3
________

****#2****

IF YOUR LIFE WERE A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie!

Opening Credits: Mad World (Gary Jules)

Waking Up: One Mic (Nas) [haha Lucy, this is meant to be for you!]

First Day At School: Everything We Had (The Academy Is...)

Falling In Love: Ave Maria (Pavarotti)

Fight Song: Hey There Delilah (Plain White T's) [really?!?! lol]

Prom: Hey Jealousy (Gin Blossoms)

Life’s OK: Promiscuous (Nelly Furtado) [hahahaha]

Mental Breakdown: Smoke Two Joints (Sublime) [well...I guess that one fits]

Driving: Sun Is Shining (Bob Marley) [okay, this one definitely works here!]

Flashback: Miss Murder (AFI)

Getting Back Together: Yellow (Coldplay) [awww...makes me want to cry]

Birth of Child: Your Body is a Wonderland (John Mayer) [would fit better BEFORE the child!]

Wedding: Broken (Seether feat. Amy Lee) [haha, nice]

Final Battle: Real World (Matchbox 20)

Death Scene: Neighbors (The Academy Is...)

Funeral Song: I Don't Love You (My Chemical Romance) [wow...]

End Credits: Every Morning (Sugar Ray) [ballin!!!]
________

****3****

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds.

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Broken (Seether feat. Amy Lee) [this one keeps coming up...]

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
My Humps (Black Eyed Peas) [spot on! lol!]

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
I'd Do Anything (Simple Plan) [freaky.]

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Everything I Am (Kanye West)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Nobody's Home (Avril Lavigne)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Deep Inside of You (Third Eye Blind) [interesting]

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Beautiful (Nick Lachey) [awww...]

WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT?
Low (Flo-Rida) [haha...yep I loves me some Apple Bottom Jeans!]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Slow Motion (Third Eye Blind)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Yellow (Coldplay)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
What's Your Fantasy (Ludacris) [apparently I want to be a stripper because when I did this survey on Facebook another sexy song came up!]

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I Shot the Sheriff (Bob Marley) [haha, kinda]

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Intro (Kanye West) [wow....really inappropriate]

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
One Week (Barenaked Ladies) [hahahaha yep]

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Wrong Idea (Snoop Dogg) [not sure what to make of this one]

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
What I Got (Sublime) [you try to figure it out!]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
On Your Own (Nick Lachey) [well...that's kind of depressing]

WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME?
Graduation Day (Kanye West)
________

****4****

TO TAKE THIS SURVEY, SIMPLY PUT YOUR MUSIC PLAYER ON SHUFFLE -
- AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS WITH THE TITLE OF THE SONG THAT COMES ON -
[it's better if you don't cheat and don't skip any songs.]

What is your name? Or what should your name be?
Doin' Time (Sublime)

How is your life going?
Jesus Walks (Kanye West)

What is your nickname?
Sex and Candy (Marcy Playground) [ohhh yesss]

What is your theme song?
Tha Shiznit (Snoop Dogg) [well, that pretty much describes me :P]

What is your best friend's theme song?
Sleeping In (The Postal Service) [nice song :)]

How is your life going to turn out?
Smoke Two Joints (Sublime) [Gosh, I really hope not!]

Will you get married?
Buffalo Soldier (Bob Marley)

Will you have kids?
Every Time (Britney Spears) [haha, that's reassuring!]

What will your job be?
Slow Down (The Academy Is...) [sweet, I don't have to worry about that for awhile]

Did you/will you finish school?
I Don't Give a Damn (Avril Lavigne) [lmao!]

Who is your best friend?
Deep Inside of You (Third Eye Blind)

Who is or will be your significant other?
Hanging by a Moment (Lifehouse) [aww...love this song]

Who do you like?
I'd Do Anything (Simple Plan)

How will you die?
I Will Buy You A New Life (Everclear) [judging by the band, by drinking too much lol]

How do you feel right now?
One Mic (Nas) [whaaaat?]

What is your favorite song?
The Cause of Death (Immortal Technique) [not my fav, but pretty good]

How could you describe your parents?
At Last (Etta James)

Your best friend[s]?
Swagger Like Us (TI) [haha yep, pretty much ballin]

Your teachers?
The Joker (Steve Miller Band) [haha, they're all a bunch of jokers fo sho]

Your significant other [or crush...]?
Screaming Infidelities (Dashboard Confessional) [omg...I really hope not!]

Yourself?
We Don't Care (Kanye West) [haha yep]

What is your best feature?
Flashing Lights (Kanye West)

What will you be / should you be, profession-wise?
You Don't Know How it Feels (Tom Petty) [lol]

How could you describe this survey?
Too Much to Ask (Avril Lavigne) [hahahaha]

What makes you angry?
Locked Up (Akon) [yep, that would pretty much do it]

What makes you sad?
War All the Time (Thursday) [totally true]

What makes you happy?
The Next Episode (Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg) [haha! YES!]

What makes you dance?
Everywhere But Here (Nick Lachey) [not so much]

What is your favorite color?
Paperthin Hymn (Anberlin)

How would you describe yourself?
It Ends Tonight (All American Rejects) [yikes!]

Who is your worst enemy?
Angel (Sarah McLachlan) [ehhh...no?]

Who do you hate?
Chop Chop (The Academy Is...)

Who do you love?
Wide Open Spaces (Dixie Chicks) [well, we're having a lot of "space" between us now...]

Who do you lust after?
Ghosts (Nick Lachey) [omg...sooo true at times]

Finish the Sentence

I wish: Slow Jamz (Kanye West)

I want to: My Sacrifice (Creed)

I want to kill: Drive (Incubus)

I want to eat: 3 AM (Matchbox 20) [lol...]

My head: Thug Luv (Bone Thugs n Harmony) [yeaaah]

I am: From Yesterday (30 Seconds to Mars) [lol love it]

My best feature is: Jack & Diane (John Cougar Mellencamp)

My eyes are: Irreplaceable (Beyonce) [yep!]

My hair is: Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up (Cypress Hill) [noooo!]

My face is: Invisible (Ashlee Simpson) [aww :(]

You should: Colt 45 (Afroman)

Random

Words of advice: Shhh (Atmosphere) [so true for most people!]

How do others see me?: Walk It Out Remix (DJ Unk) [haha]

How do I see myself?: This Song Brought to You by a Falling Bomb (Thursday) [kinda sad :(]
________

****5****
What Would be Said? Shuffle Survey

Put your iTunes on shuffle, but instead of just putting the name of the song, write the first sentence of the song as a response to the questions.
PS: I skipped the intros on most of these songs and just put the first "real" lines. :)

These were my first words:
Snoooooooop. When the pimps in the crib ma, drop it like it's hot.
"Drop it Like it's Hot" by Snoop Dogg

This is what my mom said when she gave birth to me:
You're there by my side, in every way.
"This I Swear" by Nick Lachey

This is what I say every morning when I wake up:
My eyes are open wide, by the way I made it through the day.
"Second Chance" by Shinedown [appropriate!]

This is what my friends think of me:
Come here girl. What your name is?
"Shake Ya Tailfeather" by Nelly, P.Diddy, and Murphy Lee

These are the first words I spoke to my true love:
When the night has come and the land is dark and the moon is the only light we see.
"Stand by Me" by John Lennon

If someone says this, it makes me mad:
Spread your love and fly.
"Fly" by Sugar Ray

This is my battle cry:
I know what you're doing, I see it all too clear.
"Barely Breathing" by Duncan Sheik

This is my outlook on life:
Tell me do you think it'd be alright if I could just crash here tonight.
"Hey Jealousy" by Gin Blossoms

This is my message to the world:
She said it's cold outside and she hands my my raincoat.
"3 AM" by Matchbox 20

This always cheers me up:
Are you there?
"You Are Not Alone" by Nick Lachey

This is what my last boyfriend/girlfriend said to break up with me:
Snoop D.O. Double G, the way you rip so love-ely
"Snoop D.O. Double G" by Snoop Dogg [lol!]

People think I'm crazy if I say this:
Close your eyes.
"I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men

I said this when I lost my virginity:
Notice me, take my hand.
"Everytime" by Britney Spears

I'd say this to break up with someone:
I would dial the numbers just to listen to your breath.
"Come to my window" by Melissa Etheridge [would be better in the "People would think I'm crazy if... section!]

I said this when I found out I was pregnant/got someone pregnant:
My friends, I'm so depressed.
"My Friends" by Red Hot Chili Peppers [hahahaha, I would totally say that!]

I said this in my wedding vows:
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time.
"What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie [wow, nice title!]

People said this when I got married:
I never said I'd lie in wait forever.
"The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance

This is what I said when I proposed/was proposed to:
I like pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane.
"Aeroplane" by Red Hot Chili Peppers

I said this when I was fired from/quit my job:
God show me the way cuz the devil's trying to break me down.
"Jesus Walks" by Kanye West [lol, stickin it to the man eh?]

My last words:
I've got a cupboard with cans of food, filtered water and pictures of you.
"We Will Become Silhouettes" by The Postal Service [haha, fitting]

What people say at my funeral:
They see me rollin', they hatin', tryin to catch my ridin' dirty.
"Ridin' Dirty" by Chamillionaire [lmao!!!!]

list of grievances

2009-02-21T13:09:00.001-05:00

Yeah okay, I'm angry. I'll admit it. There are seven stages of grief: denial, pain and guilt, anger, loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction, and acceptance. I'm currently in the third stage, although it feels like my moods fluctuate on a daily basis. I've definitely been in the denial, pain, and loneliness stages already. Today I just want to air my list of grievances on this relationship:

1. You always have to be right. No matter what I say, I'm wrong and your response to everything I say is "You're just proving my point." Man up and accept the blame when it's appropriate.

2. Hanging up. That's rude. Just don't do it. Even if you don't want to hear what I have to say, there are other ways to go about ending a conversation instead of hanging up on someone.

3. Respect my opinions as I respect yours. You may not like it, but you have to acknowledge that it's an opinion. Opinions can't be right or wrong.

4. Yelling at me is no way to solve a problem.

5. Also, name calling is immature as well as degrading. You don't speak that way to me. I won't listen to it.

6. Ignoring the issue altogether isn't going to solve anything either. I can give you time to cool down before we talk, but we HAVE to talk about it. If it isn't discussed then it will come back later. There's no use in having ghosts of problems past haunting us.

7. Chill out. Don't be so edgy all the time. Stop waiting for me to say something that could be construed as offensive. Don't try to trap me because that's malicious and manipulative.

I love you so much, and I miss you a lot right now. I'm thinking about you and what I can do to make things better for you, and I hope you're doing the same thing for me. I know there are things I need to work on...my tone of voice, the same thing I accused you of doing in #7 above, my attitude. I'm getting there. Stick with me, it takes time. I'll give you all the time you need. I just want us to be happy again. I know the honeymoon stage is over, but there is no reason why we can't be happy like we were. I'm willing to forget the ugly and only stick with the good, but at the same time I know I have to take the good with the bad. Just please know that I'm doing this for our benefit. It hurts but I'm getting better. Each day gets easier.

Please don't forget me.

this is sickening

2009-02-20T20:38:00.002-05:00

By now, everyone knows about the whole Chris Brown whaling on Rihanna. It's been weeks and finally someone released (leaked?) the picture the cops took after the beating. Here it is:

Bruised Rihanna

This is why I have almost no faith left in men. There are a few exceptions, but for the most part they are sleezy scumbags who think it's okay to do this to a woman! Why is it okay for you to put your hands on another person? I know every boy has heard from their mother or significant woman figure in their lives that they aren't to hit girls. The same goes for everyone...just keep your hands to yourself! Why is that so damn hard? I'm really sick that someone could harm another human being in such a manner.

Maybe back in the day it was more acceptable to hit a woman if she disobeyed you. If dinner wasn't on the table or the laundry wasn't folded correctly. Drunk men everywhere abused their loving wives, or shall I say, doormats. Sorry men, that isn't in our definition anymore. You can't touch us. You will go to jail and worse, our fathers will beat you to a pulp. Our brothers, male friends, and family members will kill you for laying your dirty hands on us in any inappropriate manner. And we will too. We won't take it anymore.

So next time, before you do something, sit your 40 down and gain some self-control. Don't take your hate for your lowlife self out on your innocent girlfriend who is most likely just upset that you're a pig in every sense of the word.

Here's a big F**K YOU! to Chris Brown. I hope you go to jail you asshole.

bridging the gap

2009-02-18T12:15:00.002-05:00

I sometimes find it hard to understand some people...like why they do certain things even though they know it's going to upset other people in their lives. Why do they say such things to people they love? Why do they distance themselves from their friends? Why do they blame people who aren't at fault? It took me a long time to answer these questions about myself. I've grown an extraordinary amount since my high school years. College and a tumultuous relationship have taught me things that I could never have learned on my own, and for that I'm grateful. I was enlightened today when playing around on Facebook. One of my friends had written a note using Urban Dictionary to answer some questions about herself. Silly, I know, but it turned out to be an eye-opener for me. I was thinking about my boyfriend and I...we're currently not on speaking terms due to some things that have happened recently. We're trying to work it out. I just don't understand him sometimes. This note, however silly it may be, helped me to realize that he's just who he is. He does those things not because he's malicious or trying to hurt me or because he doesn't care. He's just that way. There's no changing it. No doubt, some maturation will come with age and more experience, but for the most part he's what he is and he'll always be that way. Anyway, back when I was in sixth grade I loved astrology. I obsessed over my horoscope and my friends and I would always be researching different facts about the zodiac signs. One of the questions on that note on Facebook was about the girl's zodiac sign, which happens to be Gemini, which also happens to be my boyfriend's sign. The definition is as follows:

Gemini is a sign that runs from May 21st to June 20th. Geminis are Creative, artistic, Nice, Intellectual, Individualistic, Outgoing and Compassionate. On the other hand they can also be inconsistent, nervous, nosy and lazy at times.
Gemini's Likes include:

-Talking
-Writing
-Adventure
-Variety in life

Their Dislikes include:

-Boring things
-Labor (such as school)
-Repitition; being in a rut
-Conformity
-Strict People

I see Chris in this description, and though I don't believe that the zodiac is a viable explanation for much of anything anymore, it certainly makes sense. It's funny how one little thing can tie in a past, present, and future so neatly. I mean, reading this definition of a Gemini even now creeps me out a little bit. It's like it was written for him. I'm just glad that the waters have turned clear and that I can begin to understand him a little more. The answer seems so obvious...people just are who they are. Why couldn't I see that before? I'm kind of disappointed in my lack of understanding. Maybe it is a good thing that we're taking this break. I knew it was already, but this affirmed my position and I'm really glad that things seem to be coming together better for me. Hopefully he'll see that within himself too.

Until next time...

before I die

2009-02-17T10:48:00.002-05:00

You know how some people make lists of things to do before they die? Remember the movie The Bucket List? I've always wanted to make one of these. It started when I was a junior in high school and these two girls in my study hall both had huge lists of things they wanted to accomplish before they died. Theirs were pages and pages long and each day they'd go over their lists and cross things off that they had accomplished. I've tried to make a list before but when I sit down and review it, I always lose confidence and say, "That's really stupid," to myself. So far, this is what my list looks like:

1. Ride an elephant
2. Swim with the dolphins
3. Travel to Europe

Yeah, really short huh? I never really know what to put on my list, but those are the top three things that I definitely want to do. I might be doing #3 this summer if I'm accepted/can find the money to go to Paris for study abroad. Any suggestions on what I should put on there? I know it's personal but I'm sure there are a ton of awesome things to do out in the world that I'm not aware of!

Until next time...

rudeness

2009-02-16T21:31:00.001-05:00

This is one of my greatest pet peeves, up there with being late (and if you know me, you know punctuality is necessary). Let me recount a few stories that happened to me just today that show how rude people can be. I'm just about tired of it, and there's no reason why I should have to put up with this anyway. The sad thing about it is, even though you may expose people's rudeness to them, they'll never change it. Anyway...

#1: This one has two parts. The RA on my hall is probably one of the most fake people I've ever met. If she's reading this right now, good. Aside from her usual weird/fake/extremely bubbly (in a bad way) behavior, she's done two things today to offend me. In the past her rudeness has been at bay, but took a head when she didn't wish me a happy birthday, even though she clearly knew it was my birthday AND she saw me in the hall, looked right at me, and said nothing. Alright, past that onto today, for real. The first time she was rude to me occurred this morning around 11:50 when I was exiting Greenlaw Hall. She almost ran into me, looked me in the eye, and didn't say a word of recognition. My smile went unrequited as well. Second time, I was walking to class this afternoon around 4:45 and she passed me on the road, also looking right at me, and said nothing. Why does she have a vendetta against me? I've done nothing to her. She's had something against our room (224) and all three of its occupants since the beginning of the year! She socializes with only a select few girls on the hall and ignores the rest of us. Thanks "Trecia"...that means a whole lot to me.

#2: Today I go down to the Cobb Community Office to inquire about a package for my roommate Emily. She went abroad to Paris this semester and someone sent her a package. Obviously if she's in Paris, she can't pick it up. I went down to see if there was any way that she could get someone to get it for her, seeing as she has two honest, capable roommates and her sister also goes to school here. The response I got was "Well, uh...you could have her send a forwarding address." To Paris? Really? Like Cobb is going to foot the bill to ship that package to Emily in Paris! Before I even asked the question while I was explaining the situation, the girl working the desk started shaking her head. I never asked if *I* could pick up the package. After that fiasco, I asked if misdirected mail was turned into the office. My W-2 was sent to my old address and I thought maybe the people would have turned it into the office. The girl told me there was nothing she could do for me. Couldn't she even look? Wow, thanks M. You see, M. lives a few rooms away from me and she's always got a sour look on her face. Her room is often so loud past quiet hours (and before) that neither me nor Lucy can get any work done. She's the least helpful office assistant I've ever encountered, and a really bad, inconsiderate hallmate.

So the point of this story? Try to be nicer to your fellow people...being rude doesn't get you anywhere and it gives you a bad rep. Interacting with rude people on a daily basis is really unpleasant for most of us. What do they see in being that way? I hope maybe the aforementioned people see this blog and think twice next time someone approaches them for whatever reason.

Until next time...

crappy weekend

2009-02-15T11:04:00.002-05:00

I think I have a lot of these. Here's a run down, just so I can skip to the point.

Friday: I get picked up by my boyfriend, and it was fine. We missed each other. Toward the end of the night we get into an argument (surprise, surprise) and then we're pissed. He drops me off at the restaurant I'm meeting my friend David at, as planned. He gets better.

Saturday: Valentine's Day. I'm not being picked up by my boyfriend until 3:30. He's supposed to be preparing a super delicious meal for us. I scurry around my house trying to find dessert recipes. We're out of eggs. I make a mayonnaise cake with fudge icing and it takes forever. I get ready and he comes to get me. When I arrive back at his house, a pretty table is set up with rose petals and heart shaped candles. I get a lot of candy, a stuffed bear, and two pink roses. Dinner is not even started and I'm starving. I end up making everything but the steaks (I thought he was supposed to cook for me?). I don't mind helping, but the whole reason why he picked me up at 3:30 was so the food could be almost ready by the time I get there. That aside, we eat dinner, which was delicious, and then watch Mean Girls. At 10:00 he wants to take me home (wtf?)! I say okay because he agrees to come to my house at 10:30 the next morning so we can hang out. We get into a huge argument. There are tears. I get dropped off at David's dorm room, and a flurry of phone calls/texts, waterworks of tears, and 2 hours later, I go home and crash in my bed. By this time, my roses are dead, my eyes are swollen, and my feet hurt from the heels I wore. Perfect Valentine's Day turns into Worst Valentine's Day EVER.

Sunday (today): I'm sitting in my bed, miserable, not really wanting to do anything at all except sleep. He's not coming over today. Typical. He's avoiding my phone calls. Typical. I want to discuss our relationship and the obvious end it needs to come to, but he thinks I'm lying. Also typical. There's a woodpecker on the chimney outside of my bedroom window and it's annoying the crap out of me because every time I try to go to sleep, he starts banging into the wood. I'm pissed. Today's going to be awesome...right.

just a regular Thursday night

2009-02-05T23:13:00.002-05:00

Tonight Lucy and I hung out and went to Nantucket for dinner...yummy. My diet didn't survive that one, but I'll get on track again tomorrow! Luckily, appetizers are half off on Thursdays so we both got the chicken tenders, making for a cheap and very good meal. Afterwards, we hit up Parizade for some drinks and fun.

While at the bar I realized that I have so much more fun when I don't have to worry about certain people who are in my life. I'm so relaxed and carefree. I can chat with people I don't know and have a great time. Rodney and Castillo are hilarious. Maybe it was the drinks or the free dessert, but whatever was the cause, I had a great time tonight. Hanging out with my girl Lucy is always so much fun. At the end of the night, I got a kiss from Rodney (lol, scandalous!) and a hug from Castillo. I hope more nights are like this one :).

Tomorrow I head back home to face the beast....not something I really want to do but it has to be done. Is it really time to cut the cord? We'll see. I love him, but sometimes it's better to just let go.

Until next time...

hanging up

2009-02-04T13:07:00.003-05:00

How do I always end up taking the blame for something that isn't my fault? When did I become a doormat? If you hang up on me, I shouldn't have to apologize for your misunderstanding of the explanation I was giving. If you happen to get pissy in the middle of what I'm telling you, it isn't my fault that you misinterpreted the situation. My oratory skills only go so far. My mouth can't make your ears hear what they don't want to hear. But I do deserve the respect that I give you. I don't ever hang up on you, even if I don't like what you're saying. So the moral of the story is, take the blame upon your shoulders for your misunderstanding of everything, because I certainly can't understand for you.

summer in Paris?

2009-02-03T10:08:00.000-05:00

Really quickly before I go finish some case briefs for class...

I might be studying abroad in Paris this summer! How amazing would that be? I'm going to start filling out the application today probably, and trying to round up some professors who would give me an evaluation. It's approximately $7000 to go, but I'll try really hard to find that money. Studying abroad is an opportunity that would look great on my resume and application for law school as well as be a great experience for me. I'll only be gone from May 28-June 27 so it wouldn't be that big of a deal for me to go. I think I would have such a great time and it would definitely be a learning/growing experience for me.

I'll keep you guys posted on what will become of this. Now to go finish my homework!!

twenty-five things

2009-01-27T16:51:00.003-05:00

There's a "note" going around Facebook that asks you to write 25 random facts, habits, talents, etc about yourself and then "tag" 25 people who do the same thing. Basically it's a cool and non-annoying chain thing. I already did mine on Facebook so I decided to bring it here. I really enjoyed doing it so here are some more random facts about myself :)

1. I collect Hello Kitty items: keychains, notebooks, pens, stuffed animals. You name it, I've got it.

2. I don't have just one favorite color. I love pastels and bright colors such as blue, pink, purple, and green.

3. I really can't stand the color orange. I have an orange bath towel and it's really my least favorite one.

4. Normally I would pick something chocolate instead of something sour for candy, but I love Sour Patch Kids.

5. I like to try all of the different flavors of Orbit gum. Recently I've chewed Positively Pomegranate, Strawberry Mint, and Maui Melon Mint.

6. Decorating cakes is one of my favorite hobbies. If I had the time and a bigger kitchen I'd do it as a business.

7. When I was in middle school I played basketball and was on the varsity cheerleading squad.

8. My favorite type of music is alternative rock from the 1990s. I remember sitting on my bedroom floor listening to the radio all day when I was about 10 years old. Those were the days.

9. I love to read for pleasure, but ever since I elected to be an English major I haven't had time to keep up with personal reading.

10. I'm going to start applying to law schools in the fall. So far on my list I have UNC, Elon and UVA. I still need to pick 3 more to apply to.

11. My favorite thing to do for a vacation is to go to the beach. Laying on the sand and listening to the waves crash is my idea of the ultimate relaxation.

12. Corona is my favorite beer, although I just turned 21 so I haven't had the opportunity to try more brands yet.

13. I want to have twins for the sole purpose of killing two birds with one stone. If two kids are what I want, I'd rather have two at once and be done with being pregnant.

14. I've lived in the same dorm all three years I've been in college. My first year I lived in Cobb 217, last year it was 417, and this year it's 224.

15. Apparently I've got a knack for writing. I've had a poem published and I won a Daughters of the American Revolution award for my writing in 8th grade.

16. I'm the shortest person in my immediate family by a significant amount. My mom is 5'9", my dad is 6'0", and my brother is 6'2". I'm 5'5".

17. I am an extreme creature of habit. Example: I always get the #5, 8-piece nugget, value size combo at Chik-Fil-A. I only eat chocolate chip cookies, and when I go to Krispy Kreme I only get a chocolate iced creme filled doughnut. Nothing else.

18. I like to paint my nails, but I only like French manicures and either French style, red, or pink polish on my toes.

19. My hair is gradually changing texture. It's been straight for almost my whole life and now it's starting to become curly.

20. I don't watch much TV, but Seinfeld, Sex and the City, Desperate Housewives, and Top Chef are my favorite shows.

21. I like to procrastinate by going to Neopets and playing games.

22. I have terrible acne. The funny thing is I'm on 4 prescriptions for said problem, which work off and on, and I never had such terrible break outs until I came to college.

23. Dresses and heels are my favorite things to wear.

24. Chanel is my favorite designer, and mark my words: I WILL have a pair of Chanel Sunglasses and the "C" earrings!!!

25. I'm more into a modern, simplistic design and I don't like clutter. It's just annoying.

Hope everyone enjoyed learning a little more about me!
Until next time...

wife

2009-01-22T16:05:00.002-05:00

I think it's part of most every little girl's childhood dream to get married one day. I remember playing dress up with white sheets and old lace curtains, pretending I was a bride. I would put those cheap aluminum rings from the dentist office's toy chest on my finger and get married to my "waffle-y" wedded husband in front of my dolls and teddy bears. Now that the time is coming for me to actually get married, I have huge dreams and aspirations for that day. I have everything set up perfectly in my mind. The only thing that's missing is the husband, and right now there's not really a potential candidate.

In March 2008 I began dating someone who restored my faith in the male sex. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship a little over a year before I started dating Chris. During the year I spent single, my view of men was extremely distorted. I felt like there wasn't a man on earth who could love a woman so fully and only have eyes for her. Something in the male genes just would not let them stay completely faithful to their girlfriend or wife. Society precipitated this perspective for me and I just lost hope completely. Needless to say, when Chris came along, I had a pretty grim outlook on how a relationship would turn out.

Thankfully, he was a breath of fresh air. He wouldn't go behind my back. He was a sensitive, loving, respectful, caring gentleman who opened doors for me, pulled out my chair, helped me into and out of his car, and won the trust and respect of my parents. Early on in our relationship I donned a pair of rose colored glasses that would change my mind on not only men, but the world of love and relationships. Finally, a person came along who could make me happy and treat me well. I was ecstatic.

I won't go into detail here, but our relationship has pretty much deteriorated. I'm not the same person I was almost a year ago. Granted, some of the changes are good, but I've become a person who I can't recognize. That may sound a little cliche, but really, I don't know this person who I've become and it scares me. In the past I never would have taken so much for one person. I've come to know what love really is. It's a sacrifice. It's a compromise. I've learned lessons and matured farther than I ever thought was possible. But on the down side, I've lost who Sarah really is. Sarah is a person who speaks her mind, isn't afraid of what others think, and isn't reduced to tears by stupidity in a heated moment. I've never had a problem with getting something off of my chest before, but now I feel as though Chris gets upset if I'm upset, and usually the situation gets turned back on me. He refuses to accept the blame ever, and I'm always putting it on myself, which is something else I would never have done in the past. I used to be proud, not able to admit when I was wrong, and would never take the blame for anything whatsoever. Writing this, I recognize Chris's immaturity. Those are characteristics of the old me, the one who refused to see herself as anything but right all the time. I can't marry someone like that.

Another thing, what is a wife supposed to be? There are many different definitions of a wife...someone who cleans, cooks, loves, and is seen but not heard. I don't like that one. The one I prefer is someone who loves and is loved, speaks her mind freely, gives and receives equally, and isn't afraid to live how she feels she is supposed to live. Wake up men! This is NOT the 1950s anymore, and I absolutely refuse to be June Cleaver. I WILL NOT spend my days cleaning toilets, dusting the mantle, caring for children, and having dinner on the table for your commanding ass when you walk in the door at 6 in the evening. In this day and age, husbands and wives are supposed to be equals. That's what I want for myself. I want my husband to treat me as his equal, and I will afford him the same respect. I will not let him be superior to me in any way, shape, or form. I'm tired of being under a man (or boy)'s thumb and in a few weeks I'll find the courage to lift myself out from under it.

Until then...
My silent revolution continues.

unhappy birthday

2009-01-21T20:11:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow I turn 21...a very momentous occasion in my opinion. However, my (ex?) boyfriend does not agree. I don't feel as though I should have to EARN my birthday, if you get what I mean. It was given to me and it is the one day a year where it's all about me. I'm special for 24 hours, and normal people know and respect that. He's not spending time with me on my birthday and doesn't even plan on calling to wish me a happy one tomorrow. Thanks? Yeah...don't I feel special? I mean, it's not like he's a Jehova's Witness or something (no offense if you are). Why is it such a problem for him to treat me like I should be treated?
So many questions, so few answers.
I have to go brief some cases now...
Maybe things will be better, but probably not. The boyfriend (emphasis on BOY) I used to adore now makes me sick to my stomach and my eyes start to swell from crying over his antics. I just don't know how much more of this I can take.
In hindsight, this will probably be the straw that broke the camel's back.

a small fee

2009-01-12T12:36:00.002-05:00

So I'm back at school as of yesterday. It's not really weird readjusting to dorm life after a month of being at home. It's just kind of noisy. I've got a lot of housekeeping items to do, and no, I don't mean cleaning the room. I just thought I'd say that I'm back in Chapel Hill before I get to the topic of this blog. Now, onto the feature presentation...

As the title suggests, today I'm writing about money. Last week, I decided to put myself into high gear on getting ready for law school. I have to take the LSAT (Law School Admission Test) in June so I can start applying to schools in the fall. Do you have any idea how much it costs to take this test? If you thought the SAT was bad at $45, prepare to be blown away. It costs $127 to take the LSAT, plus you have to register for a database which creates a profile for you with your scores, letters of recommendation, etc for applying to law schools. I'm not sure how much the database service costs, but after taking the LSAT, it costs $12 per report to send your scores with your applications. Add all of these expenses to the various schools' application fees, and you've got a small fortune.

I went onto the LSAC (Law School Admission Council) website to apply for a fee waiver. Of course, it instantly got denied because my parents' income exceeds the limit for possible waived fees. The numbers may suggest this, but let's take a microscope to my family's financial situation. My mom works two jobs, so she's at work from 8:30 AM until 8:30 PM on a normal day. Sometimes she has to work over. At her second job, she doesn't get paid time off so she has to work there even if she has a vacation at her salaried job. My dad broke his foot in November and has been out of work since, leaving my parents' wallets to be much, much lighter. I honestly don't know how they do it. I pay for all of my bills and I currently don't have a job. I'm trying to work on finding one that I'll be able to do with my school schedule. But, since I'm declared a dependent, all of that doesn't matter. The only thing that goes into the fee waiver application is the numbers on the tax forms. After being denied, I appealed it. I'm still waiting on the decision. I really hope they give me a fee waiver so it won't break me completely to apply to law school.

That's my little rant for today. Hopefully we'll find out pretty soon if I have been chosen to receive a fee waiver. It would really help out. Sometimes numbers on a 1040 can't justify what really goes on off the paper.

car wars

2009-01-07T20:30:00.002-05:00

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile now, but I've been pretty busy so needless to say I'm just now getting to it :). At the beginning of Christmas break, my mom told me that I was going to have to start driving her car, especially when I go back to school. Hers is 10 years younger than mine and doesn't have all of the problems that come with an older car. Now, let me explain: there isn't really anything wrong with my car. It runs great, it's reliable, and the gas mileage is outstanding. I love it to death. Over the past four years, we've bonded a lot. There are only two minor problems. The first is a squealing/jingling sound when I back up. This is most likely due to a leak I have on my axle and I can get that repaired for about $60. The second problem is an issue I've had since I bought the car. It has a leak coming from an unidentifiable place. It most certainly is coming from behind the dash and in order to fix it, I'd have to cough up $1,500 for a mechanic to pull the dash off and repair the leak. The leak hasn't been much more than a minor pain the butt, but recently it's gotten pretty bad. The whole passenger side of my car is sopping wet and smells of mildew. Last weekend I took it over to my boyfriend's house and he used his shop-vac to vacuum around two cups of water out of my carpet. Not too bad. I then went to Wal-Mart and bought a clear rubber mat to go over the carpet and some Febreze for the smell. I didn't put the mat over the carpet because it needed to finish drying some more. I did Febreze it though. Anyway, the mat still isn't down because guess what? It rained before the carpet had a chance to dry out a little more. I haven't been inside my car since then, but I know that it is freaking wet in there since it has rained really hard for the past few days. Also, there is an enormous condensation build up on the inside glass and I can't see into my car. Blah. I really wish I could get this fixed because I love my car and I want to drive it. I don't want to get a respiratory disease from inhaling mildew/mold though, and I want to be able to see when I drive as well. My car has a tendency to fog up pretty badly because of how wet it is inside. So until that's fixed, I have to drive my mom's car to Chapel Hill and she gets stuck with mine :\. I feel really bad about that because she doesn't need to drive my piece of crap to work everyday. True, she only has a five-minute commute versus my hour and fifteen-minute drive, but something about the situation just doesn't gel with me. I wish there was something I could do, but until I get a steady source of income, I can't trade my car in for something else. Until that day comes, I'll have to battle with the leak and hope for the best.

happy new year!

2009-01-01T00:29:00.002-05:00

So it's only been 2009 for about 30 minutes, but I've already got a complaint (yeah, yeah I know). My dad was too busy watching the last 1:10 of the UNC game to turn the channel so my mom and I could see the ball drop in New York City!!! This is somewhat of a tradition for us and it was really anticlimactic to miss the ball. Oh well.

Happy New Year everybody! Here's to hoping that 2009 will be one of the best years yet!

can't sleep

2008-12-28T06:15:00.002-05:00

Can you dehydrate from crying?
I thought if I apologized then everything would work out.
I've had a lot on my mind for the past 3 hours, making for a very rough night. I can't think of anything else but him. Will he ever get out of my mind? It's not looking good. I shouldn't be awake, typing a blog at this hour on a Sunday morning. It isn't right.
We had a good hour-long phone conversation about 30 minutes ago. He's so sweet and caring and understanding, but he just wants to be friends. Is that possible? Will I ever get over this? All I can think about is what comes next? Where will this go? Will I be this miserable forever? Prozac is starting to look awesome right about now. Perhaps I'll see about a prescription.
I know the night is darkest before the dawn...
Now the question is, will the dawn ever come?

hindsight

2008-12-27T22:02:00.003-05:00

Have you ever wished that you could know how exactly things will pan out for you in the future? Sometimes I can't help but to wish I knew what was in store for me.
Take this example:
I allowed myself to become so close to someone that I couldn't imagine life without him. Things got bad, so I took a step back and a few deep breaths and started to restructure my thinking. Today, the end came. My little diorama of happiness was smashed, and my world opened up to a new life that I didn't want to accept. I've been here before, and let me tell you, it's the worst feeling in the world. Loneliness is oppressive, like a wet blanket. Sure, I have friends and family who still care about me, but it's not the same. It isn't like being in love. Relationships come and go, but the ones that truly hurt are those in which a future is possible. I've never loved someone so much, with the entirety of my body and soul, like I loved him. Never. I really thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and that's why my heart can't stop breaking. It seems like the shards of pain are endless. I tried so hard, yet I blame myself for not letting it work. Why did I have to say those things? Why did I do what I did in that situation? If I knew that the end was coming, would I have acted differently? It's all in hindsight, which is definitely 20/20. But I still want to put all of the blame on myself for some reason, even though I know it isn't all my fault. Like I said, it's really different when you think you've found your soul mate.
I'm in a daze and I can't step out. It's destructive for me to be left alone with my thoughts. It seems that everyone else is happy and I'm in a bubble, watching them, shut off from the rest of the world. I'm forced to watch people smile, laugh, hold hands, kiss, say "I love you," and snuggle up together. All I have left is darkness. A void. An endless emptiness that can't be filled.
I know I'll get over it eventually, but it's just so hard. I have to readjust to living life alone. He's not here to hold my hand in the car and pet my hair, or to tell me cute things and give me one of those tight hugs I miss so dearly. Tears are stinging my already sore eyes, yet they won't stop coming. I'm going to look a mess tomorrow, but for once I don't care. I don't care what comes next if he's not here with me. I miss him. I love him. I need him. But he's not mine anymore.
So, does God sit in Heaven in front of his big planner and write "Break Up" on a certain day? Does He sit back and watch people suffer? I've always felt that He had a calendar on which He planned events in peoples' lives. He knew this was coming, and He didn't warn me. No use in being angry with God...He didn't cause this. It's just that sometimes I really wish that I could know everything, but how boring life would be if that were the case. I try to have no regrets, but I'm filled with so many right now.
Will I ever love so deeply again?
Only time will tell.

I'm back!

2008-12-20T08:50:00.003-05:00

So it really has been a long time since I posted! I don't know how that happened. Not that much has been going on lately. Since I left school I've started working over my break, and that's what I'll be doing until I go back to school in January. I'm an intern for Argus Insurance (part of High Point Bank, where I work as a teller during the summer). I take over the switchboard sometimes, but this year I'm mainly scanning files. On Monday and Tuesday, I had to load up all of the customer files from the document vault and bring them into the insurance office. That was a lot of work, and I definitely got a work out from doing it, complete with sweaty hair. I really looked like I had been to the gym, which is not a nice picture. Any who, after I did all of that manual labor, I started to scan the files. I have to go through and pick out all of the pertinent information, then load it into a scanner someone referred to as a "dinosaur" and then upload it to the insurance program so the agents can see the applications, etc online. Then, it's off to the shred bin for the (sometimes) ancient files. It's a pretty chill job. I sit at my desk all day and do my stuff. No one bothers me, and I just get up and go when it's time for lunch or a break, or the end of the day. It's kind of boring at times because the scanner is so slow. On Monday I'm moving to a different desk so I'll have a high speed scanner, at least in the morning. In the afternoon I have no idea where I'll be sitting, so it really is up in the air right now. I hate having to readjust after being shuffled around, but I'm sure it won't be too bad.

I'm off to do my dad's Christmas shopping in a few hours, so wish me luck. Crowds are probably one of my least favorite things ever. I hope I don't get too flustered today.

why, hello there!

2008-12-08T19:02:00.002-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I've been busy studying for exams, going to appointments, and generally chilling/wasting time on Neopets! Thankfully, exams are almost over. I only have two more, unless you count my weather journal and paper revision, then it's three. Oh well, not too much longer and I'll be back at home for a whole month!

I won't get to use the month for relaxing though. I'm working full time from December 15-January 9. I go home on December 12 and go back to class on January 12, so yeah...I won't really have a break but I need the money. I guess it's okay that I won't have a lot of time to rest, but at least I won't have to worry about going majorly broke. Always look for a positive, that's what I tell myself.

So I got my results from my blood work last week, and apparently my insulin is high. This could be due to polycystic ovarian syndrome, or it could be a problem with my thyroid. In any case, I have to go to an endocrinologist to have him analyze my labs and tell me how I'm going to be treated. I don't know when that appointment is, but I'll definitely post about it afterward.

Just thought I'd post a quick update. Now it's back to wasting time online! Tomorrow I will do my work, promise!

waiting...

2008-12-01T15:54:00.002-05:00

I've never been a really patient person and waiting is something I absolutely hate. Whether it be in line at the grocery store or sitting on my couch until a friend arrives to pick me up, I absolutely detest it. I was eating dinner this weekend and the coaster under my cup said "Hurry up and wait." This describes my life when it comes to certain people who are in it. I'm constantly in a rush to get ready and look my best, or just to be on time. I pride myself in being an extremely timely person, and if I'm late it's usually not more than five minutes. This is why I hate being at the hands of others when it comes to arriving on time. I don't trust some people to get me where I need to be at the correct time, so if I have to rely on myself I'm much better at coordinating my plans. This is what I prefer. I guess you could call me a "Type A" person.

So you ask, where is this all coming from?
I'm still waiting on that call from my doctor about the blood work. This isn't an extremely pressing issue, but I'd still like to know what they found. The results are only a tiny bit of the inspiration for this blog, though.

Take this weekend, possibly the crappiest one I've had in awhile. I go through the same routine every time I'm home. I tell my boyfriend to be over at my house at a specific time, so I wake up about an hour before hand to get ready. It only takes me about 35-40 minutes to get showered, made up, coiffed, and dressed so I have about twenty minutes of wait time. He's usually really good about being on time but this weekend was a disaster. On Saturday he showed up forty five minutes late. On Sunday, he didn't show up at all. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed. As I've hinted at earlier in this entry, lateness is one of my biggest pet peeves. I used to give someone ten minutes of being late before I actually considered them to be late (I guess you could call this a "buffer period"), but after constant abuse of this generous system I decided to call it off. Both my ex and my current boyfriend have repeatedly decided that since they weren't technically late until ten minutes after the planned time that they wouldn't show up on time. Anyways, it makes the situation better if I get a call beforehand saying how late they are going to be. Chris is really bad about this now when he used to be very diligent about letting me know when he was going to arrive.

Griping aside, I just think it's rude to be late and not notify the person you are meeting up with. True, you may have all day to carouse around town but if we agree on a meeting time then please be there. I hate waiting. I hate being late myself and when I rush to be on time for someone else it's just common courtesy for them to show me the same respect by being on time or at least letting me know their ETA.

And by the way, my impatience has improved with time. I'm much more patient now than I was when I was younger...there used to be a time when I couldn't even sit still for more than five minutes and got extremely irritable when I couldn't do something RIGHT NOW!!!! ;)

Happy Waiting.

rise above this

2008-11-27T00:13:00.002-05:00

I have always loved Seether's song "Rise Above This" because it has a really nice sound but at the same time it's got a great message. It's about overcoming obstacles in your life and remaining strong. Shaun Morgan (lead singer) dedicated it to his brother Eugene because he committed suicide as a result of depression. The whole video is really touching and sweet and at the end it has the Suicide Hotline number so people who are battling with this horrible pain can get some support.

I highly recommend the video, and the song is one of Seether's more alternative rock selections instead of the heavier things they've done in the past. Anyway, here's the link if you're interested:
Rise Above This Video

Seeing Seether perform this song live in Charlotte on October 6, 2008 was one of the greatest moments of my life. Now that I've had that experience under my belt, I'm able to appreciate the song a whole lot more. But today, it took a whole different meaning for me. I was driving back from my doctor's appointment and it came on the radio:

I'll mend myself before it gets me
I'm falling down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this

These lyrics really touched me seeing as today I found out that I might have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I knew this could be a possibility, but my previous doctor had never mentioned it. Thankfully, she left and I switched to another doctor who is way more proactive (not to mention caring and charismatic). He wanted to find the root of my problem, so he decided to do blood work and find out if I really do have PCOS. If I do, I'll have to be on a strict diet, birth control pills, and a diabetes medication. I'll lose about 2-4 pounds a month, but I'll be getting this disease under control.

Anyways back to the song. It really touched me because I felt like I connected with the lyrics. I'm not going to let this get to me. I'm going to get it under control. No, it's not as serious as cancer but it's still a problem that I have to deal with. It's me who's in control. I'm going to rise above my fear and not going to let this get to me. I was at a really low point today when I had to get the blood work done because for one, I'm scared of needles. I think the deeper issue was my worry about what was going on with my body and what I am going to have to do in the future. So anyway, I got to thinking and all I can think about is how I'm going to be okay and that it's something treatable. The doctor even assured me that I could get pregnant in the future (not something I'm even thinking about right now), and that took a huge weight off of my shoulders because I've always heard that women with PCOS either can't get pregnant or they have a lot of trouble conceiving. Either way, the doctor told me that I would be okay with this medication and I trust him, I'm in good hands.

To the DJ on 106.5, thank you so much for playing Rise Above This at the right time. I needed it much more than anyone could understand. It helped to pull me out of my melancholy and served as a reminder that I can do this, and in the end it's going to be okay.

domestication

2008-11-24T18:54:00.002-05:00

Earlier I was washing my dishes and I was thinking about how domesticated I've become. I know it's pretty typical for women to have to learn how to keep up the house, but it makes me wonder why the guys out there don't have to do more things around the house. I know some guys know how to do the basics, such as dishes and sweeping, occasionally vacuuming too. But seriously, they have to live as bachelors or go to college at some point, so why do their mothers at an early age not urge them to learn chores? I'm talking about laundry, dusting, mopping, bathroom detail, etc. I learned how to do all of these things fairly early, and my brother had to help but he always got the easier tasks like taking out the garbage or sorting the recycling. Why? Because my mom felt as though he couldn't clean to her standards and that he "couldn't do it right." Eventually she taught him how to clean the bathroom or turn on the washer/dryer, but that wasn't until years after I had been doing these things pretty regularly. It's interesting how girls are expected to learn how to do these things but boys aren't until much later (if ever). I realize I'm making a huge generalization here but I'm just working off of experience. Are we in "Future Wives Training" from the first time we pick up a broom?

I don't mind doing domestic duties; in fact, I actually enjoy them when the mood strikes me. I know I'll never be one of those mothers who wears jeans and a T-shirt and constantly smells of spoiled milk, peanut butter, and diapers, but I'm looking forward to being able to take care of my house and my babies. I really want to keep a clean house and proper children. If I have a boy I might even train him how to do some of the "girl" chores around the house, but as much as I've complained about my brother not knowing how to do these things, I think my mom was partially right about him not being able to do it to her standards. For example, my current boyfriend tries so hard to wash the dishes to my standards but he is terribly slow at it. I'm glad he's trying but if I let him take charge we'd be at the sink for two hours (no lie). Maybe it's something in boys that makes them naturally better at mowing the lawn or taking the trash out, who knows? All I know is that it's nice to have some help around the house. Boys, take note! A girl loves a man who knows how to clean (or is at least willing to help).

break

2008-11-23T17:25:00.003-05:00

I am SO ready for a break. I can't stress this enough. School gets to a body sometimes, even if you don't do nearly as much work as you did at the beginning of the semester. Sometimes with the end so close it seems like it'll never come. Right now it's Sunday night and I have to wait until Tuesday at 1:45 before I'm done with class. Then I get to go through the mess of getting my car, packing it up, and driving home on traffic-jammed I-40. I'm predicting it will probably take about an hour and a half to get home...hopefully the traffic won't be too bad though.

I also hate how teachers love to assign lots of papers, tests, and projects at the end of the semester. December 3 is my last day of class, and before then I have two papers due, one of which I'm currently working on (2/8 pages! yes!). I'm not nearly as stressed out as some people are, but with finals creeping up I think I could start getting that way. Also, I have to call about a job tomorrow so I hope I have one when I arrive home for Christmas break. I really need that money! I'll be working from December 15 until January 2, which is all of Christmas break except for one week before I return to start the spring semester. Let's hope this all pans out in the end.

Okay, enough of a break! I HAVE GOT to finish this paper!!! I won't let it get the best of me.

Ciao!

lonely Saturday night

2008-11-22T21:19:00.003-05:00

It's funny how you can be having the time of your life and suddenly think of a really terrible situation. I'm not saying that this has happened to me recently, but lately I've just been thinking about things. Earlier this year I went through a brief period of high anxiety about death and/or dying. It's not so much my death that I'm worried about, but the deaths of those who I love. On my way back from dinner tonight, I was just laughing and all of a sudden a thought crept into my head "Death is so terrible. I mean, why does it have to exist?" Chris said to me, "What would the point of life be if there was no death?" I guess he's right, but it's such a painful time for all and I don't know why anyone should be expected to go through it. I haven't been extraordinarily sad about someone dying in a long time, but I've seen both of my parents go through it and it scares me. What are you supposed to say to someone who is grieving over a loved one? There aren't any right things to say. Nothing that you can say will make them feel any better about the situation, but you can't just leave them alone all the time either. It's a delicate balance. Is it normal for someone my age to constantly think about the inevitable death that everyone must face? Sometimes I feel like I just can't live and enjoy life anymore because this darkness is always overshadowing it. Would it be better if we were ignorant to our ultimate fate? Ignorance is bliss, after all. But seriously, I don't think anyone I know thinks about death as much as I do. It's a constant worry of mine and I just don't think it's normal. Especially since it gets in the way of me having fun sometimes. I don't know...how much of this is appropriate for me to reveal on the internet? Luckily (or unluckily) enough, I have an eight page paper due on Monday that I need to work on.

Hope everyone's having a great night.

PS- I didn't make it to Bandidos this weekend, perhaps another time :)

el gigante

2008-11-21T13:11:00.004-05:00

I'd like to take a moment to make a shameless plug:

Read The Biscuit

Go to this blog, especially if you're joining in from the Chapel Hill area. It's all about food in Chapel Hill and it's well written and interesting. I got this link from the owner of the blog, who just happens to be one of my Nature Writing classmates! It's awesome.

Basically all I did yesterday afternoon was to page through the blog. Upon doing so, I found a couple of posts mentioning the conquering of a "six pound burrito." Come to find out, this legendary burrito is available at a Mexican restaurant on Franklin Street called Bandidos. It's in a sketchy-looking alley where The Ramshead Rathskeller used to be, but location aside I've heard that it's really good. Over the weekend I might try to convince Chris to eat El Gigante!! I think he could do it, seeing as he is a human food vacuum. He'd have it down with no problem. The only thing is, I don't happen to have a bottle of Beano in the room, lol!

So, you may ask, what is in this six pound burrito? After watching a video about the fate of a group of guys trying to conquer El Gigante, I found out that it is "filled with the works: black beans, Spanish rice, onions, tomatoes, cheese, salsa verde, steak & chicken fajitas with grilled onions and bell peppers. Topped with salsa roja, more cheese, lettuce, tomato, sour cream, and guacamole." That sounds like a straight up gut ringer! If we do indeed venture to Bandidos, I'll make sure to post about it. Thanks Biscuit for the inspiration!

it's cold!

2008-11-19T15:33:00.002-05:00

Aren't you proud that I resisted the urge to write the title in perhaps one of the most annoying cliches ever? You know, the dreaded, "Baby, it's cold outside!" Yeah, me too!

I'm really not sure what to talk about today...not much has gone on. The only thing that immediately comes to mind is how cold it is outside. I'm not complaining because I love winter and cold weather, even though it forces you to bundle up to the max and causes dry hands and chapped lips. I think I'm able to better appreciate the world's beauty when it's cold. I'm not bummed out because I'm so hot that all I want to do is jump into a pool or hang out in the AC. To the contrary, I feel like I see better in the cold. I don't mean my vision jumps from less than perfect to 20/20 because of the weather. What I mean is that when I'm outside I notice how pretty it is. The sky is a crisper blue, the leaves on the ground seem vibrant in their dying colors of reds, yellows, and oranges, and the crunch of pine cones and the scratch of leaves and pine needles on the brick sidewalks make music. Have you ever noticed the smell of dead leaves? It's not unappetizing in the least. It's the smell of fall; that crisp, unmistakable smell you get when you step into a chilly, overcast day in the middle of October. Autumn is always a sensual orchestra which tantalizes all five senses and makes one feel warm deep inside, even if the air blowing against your face isn't so nice.

Winter on the other hand is my favorite season. Cold air smells so nice and I love snuggling up to my boyfriend on a chilly evening. Coats are also one of my favorite things to wear, along with scarves and long sleeves. I can't wear these things at any other time of the year. Also, Christmas is in the winter, and that's my favorite holiday. My birthday falls in January and Valentine's Day comes in February. These days highlight the season with which I am in love. You can't forget snow either. I haven't seen much snow in my lifetime, but I start to get excited when I see the tiny white flakes falling from the gray sky. In fact, it snowed for a little here yesterday but I didn't get to see it. According one of my roommates, it only lasted for five minutes. Oh well, hopefully it'll be a favorable winter for snow this season. I can't wait for it to get here!

With that said, I should go labor over my eight-page Shakespeare paper. I really don't want to be working on it over the weekend so...here's to you, Willy.

long survey

2008-11-18T16:07:00.001-05:00

Lucy has been begging me to do this survey, so here it is. I started at 2:11 PM and finished at 4:06 PM. Pretty much anything you would want to know about me is on here...

What time is it? 2:11 PM
Name: Sarah Murray
Nicknames: Sarah-Belle, but only my family can call me that
Birthday: January 22, 1988
Zodiac: Aquarius
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Shoe Size: 10
Height: 5’5”
Eye color: Blue/green
Hair color: Naturally, it’s strawberry blonde but I recently dyed it Chestnut
School Mascot/Colors: Rameses…or a big foot (Tar Heels)/Carolina blue and white
Grade: College Junior
Pets: Norm, my greyhound and Cuddles, my hamster
Siblings: a brother, Thomas
What languages do you speak? English, and fragments of Spanish and French
Where were you born? High Point, NC
Where do you want to go to college? Already here! I go to UNC
What do you want to be when you grow up? A lawyer
What was the worst day of your life? The day I ran over a curb and ripped off my bumper
What has been the best day of your life? Finding out I was accepted to UNC

[CURRENT]

taste: tortilla chips
clothes: a blue Henley and jeans
hair: down, windblown
annoyance: lack of tasty lunch food in the room
longing: for Christmas break to get here
desktop background: pink with white polka dots
worry: money

[FAVORITE]

movie: pretty much anything starring Al Pacino
song: Yellow by Coldplay
band/group: Thursday
clothes store: Old Navy…probably.
article of clothing: shoes!
relative: my mom, dad, and brother

sports: basketball and occasionally football
vacation spot: beach!
ice cream flavor: chocolate
fruit: strawberries, honeydew, cantaloupe, watermelon
candy: Reese’s miniatures
car: BMWs, or Chris’s blue Z
class: English 355: English Novel 1870-WWII
holiday: Christmas
place to be: at home
day of the week: Saturday
color: really depends, but I love pink, purple, blue, and green
season: Winter
kind of tree: crepe myrtle
magazine: Cosmo!
book: Gossip Girl
word: cellar door (Donnie Darko)
food: probably stuffed shells (a variant on lasagna)
animals: dog!
girls name: Ashley, Molly, Emma
guys name: Charlie, Atticus, Zachary

[IN THE PAST 48HRS, HAVE YOU...]

danced? Last night in my chair to some Missy Elliott
had a serious talk? yes
hugged someone? yes
fought with a friend? no
cried? no
laughed? yes
made someone laugh? yes
bought something? no
cut your hair? no
felt stupid? Not really
talked to someone? yes
missed someone? yes
gotten sick? no
sang? yes
said 'i love you'? yes
wanted to tell someone you liked them? He already knows
met someone new? no
moved on? Nothing to move on from
yelled at someone? no
dreamed about someone you can't be with? no

[HAVE YOU EVER...]

Had a hangover? Kind of

Done drugs? Just the Herb…but that’s not a drug.
eaten an entire box of oreos? nearly
been dumped? Yep
had someone be unfaithful to you? Unfortunately
watched Punky Brewster? no
hiked a mountain? Not exactly hiked, but walked on one
stayed home on saturday night, just because? yes
been in love? yes
seen the white house?
Yes seen the Eiffel Tower? Not yet
tried smoking? yep
had alcohol? yes
smoked marijuana? Yes
played Monopoly? Yeeees….
seen Titanic? Yes
kissed someone? mmhmm
French kissed someone? yes
tried a weight loss program? No but I’ve been on a diet
jumped on a trampoline? Yes, I miss it
visited another country? No
colored in a coloring book (and had fun)? Yes
had a bubble bath? yes
been on a plane? yes
been on a boat? yes
been on a train? yes
been in a car accident? Not one when I was driving
ridden an elephant? It’s on my list of things to do before I die
been to New York? I LOVE NY!
been to Florida? Yes…Miami!
been to California? Most amazing trip ever!!! San Francisco!
been to Hawaii? No, but hopefully for my honeymoon
been to Mexico? No
been to China? no
made a web page? Yep, back in the day I was really good at it
played with Barbies? Yeah, they were my favorite pastime for years
stayed up all night? A few times
shoved stuff under your bed to make your room look clean? You know it!
broken a bone? Not exactly…almost fractured the growth plate in my ankle playing basketball
called a psychic or sex hotline? Haha no way!
watched Jerry Springer? Embarrassingly, yes.

gotten in trouble for talking in class? Only twice in my life :-[
been afraid of the dark? Probably

been in the hospital (not visiting)? Only when I was a baby
had stitches? Yep, in my gums after my gum grafting surgery…ick.
dumped someone and regretted it? nope
went out with more than one person at a time? yes
lied? Who hasn’t?
broken the law? Yes
been arrested? No
fallen asleep in class? I’ve gotten pretty damn close
used food for something other than to eat? O:) yeeees…
met a celebrity? I’ve been really close to a lot of them, but never “met” them
ever loved someone so much it made you cry? yes
hated yourself? yes
been brokenhearted? yes
broken someone's heart? yes
said "I love you"? of course
gotten in a fight with your pet(s)? I can’t recall a time when that’s ever happened
dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day? Never
given anyone a bath? My brother and my cousin when they were babies
bungee jumped? No!
made yourself throw up? no
skinny dipped? no
made yourself cry to get out of trouble? No
pictured your crush naked? Of course
actually seen your crush naked? Hehe :)
fallen for your best friend? One time
been rejected? yes
rejected someone? yes
used someone? yes
done something you regret? No regrets.

[DO YOU...]

cry? rarely
like to give hugs? usually
like to walk in the rain? Ewww…no.
sleep with or without clothes on? With (clothes being pajamas)
prefer black or blue pens? blue
dress up on Halloween? I was a princess!
have a job? Not currently
like to travel? Yes and I wish I could do it more often
like someone? A whole lot
sleep on your side, tummy or back? Side and tummy…never back.
think you're attractive? sometimes
want to marry? yes
want kids? Ehhh…I think so. But if so, only one.
have a goldfish? no
ever have the falling dream? Yeah and I always wake up with a start
have stuffed animals? Oh yeah
go on vacation? I like to try once per summer and sometimes on breaks
have a crush on someone? Yes, and he’s my boyfriend =)
believe in an afterlife? Yes
have a "type" of person you always go for? Not at all.
want someone you don't have? Nope, I have everything I need
like being around people? sometimes
believe in God? yes
go to church? Not at the moment
play sports? No
ever sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone to IM you? No way
wish you were a member of the opposite sex? Not in a million years
wish you were younger: Sometimes

[ARE YOU...]

understanding: most of the time
open-minded: yes
arrogant: no
insecure: sometimes
interesting: I try to be
hungry: not right now
smart: in English
moody: extremely
hardworking: for the most part
organized: yes
healthy: I don’t have any diseases but I don’t eat healthy
bored easily: yes
responsible: yes
obsessed: haha sometimes
angry: 3 days out of the 7
sad: sometimes
disappointed: that’s a feeling I don’t usually get
hyper: no
trusting: no
talkative: with close friends/family. It takes me a long time to warm up to new people
timely or always late: timely
for world peace: if that can be accomplished
a health freak?: hell no!
lonely right now: no
a night or a morning person? Night for sure
ticklish? yes
ever afraid you'll never get married: Nope

[WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT...]

gun control: we have a right to bear arms, but that doesn’t mean that anyone should be able to get a gun
abortion: I would never have one, but it’s not up to me what someone else wants to do with their body
Bill Clinton: adulterer
smoking: not for me
eating disorders: dangerous
rape: disgusting and deadly
south park: Hate it
summer: it’s way too hot, but I love to swim
tattoos: they can be pretty cool
piercings: I have a few.
make-up: love it…if you know how to use it without looking like a clown/ho-bag
drinking: it’s fun but you have to be careful with it

[THIS OR THAT]

pierced nose or lip? Lip
serious or funny?: funny
single or taken?: taken
simple or complicated?: simple
sweet or silly?: sweet
tall or short?: tall
law or anarchy?: law
mtv or vh1?: mTV
7th heaven or dawsons creek?: 7^th Heaven
sugar or salt?: sugar
silver or gold?: silver
tongue or belly button ring?: belly button
chocolate or flowers?: chocolate
angels or miracles?: angels
color or black-and-white photos?: black-and-white
sunrise or sunset?: sunset
m&ms or skittles?: m&ms
rap or rock?: Rap to dance to, rock to sing to
stay up late or sleep in?: stay up late
tv or radio?: TV
hot or cold: cold
sun or moon?: moon
diamond or ruby: diamond
left or right?: right
10 acquaintances or 1 best friend?: 1 best friend
vanilla or chocolate?: chocolate
cat or dog?: dog
half-empty or half-full?: half-full
mustard or ketchup?: ketchup
newspaper or magazine?: magazine
spring or fall?: fall
give or receive?: give
rain or snow?: snow
lace or satin?: satin
happy or sad?: happy
corduroy or plaid?: plaid
wonder or amazement?: amazement
sneakers or sandals?: sneakers (Converse!)
McDonald’s or Burger King?: McDonald’s
blondes or brunettes?: either
Mexican or Italian food? Italian
lights on or off?: off at night, on during the day
duct tape or scotch tape?: scotch
candy or soda?: candy
Pepsi or Coke? Either
Nike or Adidas?: Adidas
northern or southern?: southern
conservative or liberal? Both = moderate

[GIRL KNOWLEDGE]

Do you know exactly where the blush goes? The apples of the cheeks
Would you say you know how to put on make up? Yes
Do you know how to French braid hair? I know what it’s suppose to look like
Do you have a specific color of cover up or foundation you wear for your skin? I don’t wear foundation/cover up
Do you wash your face at least once a day? Yes
Do you use an eyelash curler? no
How many colors of eye shadow do you own? 8 but I only use three
Do you use water proof mascara? No, it’s too hard to get off
How much do you pay for make up? Probably about $10 every 3 months
Does toothpaste really help acne? Never tried it
How many times a day do you apply lip gloss/stick? I don’t wear lipstick or gloss

[THE PERFECT GUY]

Hair color: brown and curly
Eye color: blue/green
Height: 6’3”
Six pack: doesn’t matter
Long hair or short: shorter
Glasses? On occasion
Piercings? NO
Eyebrows? Clean
Buff or skinny? average
Teeth? White and straight
Funny or serious? Funny, but has to be serious when the time’s right
Party-hopper or more stay-at-home? Stay at home
Should he be able to bake or cook? Definitely cook, I’ve got the baking down!
Does he have a best friend? Yes
Is it okay for him to have a lot of female friends? No
Out-going or shy? Out-going
Sarcastic or sincere? Sincere, can be sarcastic in a joking way
Does he love his mother? Absolutely
Should he watch chick-flicks? Sometimes, but I usually hate chick flicks so it’s not a big deal
Would he be a smoker? No
How about a drinker? On occasion
And swearing? Not so much
Would he play with your hair? Sometimes
Would he have more than one girlfriend at a time? Uhhh…no.
Would he pay for you when you're on a date? Yes but not 100% of the time
Does he kiss on the first date? He did J
Where would you go for dinner? Probably Red Robin lol
Would he buy you flowers? He has J
Would he lay under the stars with you and spout random philosophies? Laying under the stars, sure.
Would he write poetry about you? Probably not
Would he hang out with you and YOUR friends? He does
How about you hanging out with him and HIS friends? Sure
Would he walk you up to the door at the end of the evening? Every night
Would you hold hands? Yes
Does he play soccer? No
Baseball? No
Football? No
Basketball? No
Water polo? No
Golf or something equally boring? No
Does he surf? No
Skateboard? No
Snowboard? Maybe if he learned

Can he sing? Some songs
Play the guitar? I think he said he could
Play piano? No
Play the drums? No
Can he keep his room clean? We’re working on that
Is he an artist of sorts? With computers J
Does he write his own music? I guess he could if he wanted to
Does he have pets? We have a hamster
Does he use the word dude? Haha, sometimes
How about tight? I’ve never heard him say that
Would he watch the sun rise and set with you? Yes
What kind of car does he drive? A blue Nissan 350Z and also a silver BMW 328i
How old is he? My age…but a little younger

[TURN ONS/OFFS IN A GUY]

rides a skateboard: on
dresses like a surfer: off
dresses in all black: on
plays a musical instrument: on
sings songs: on
is shorter than you: off
is taller than you: on
has chapped lips: off
has green eyes: on
has brown eyes: on
has blue eyes: on
has hazel eyes: on
drinks alcohol: on (if moderately)
smokes cigarettes: off
smokes pot: it’s whatever
has brown hair: on
has black hair: on
has blonde hair: on
has dirty blonde hair: on
works out: on
smiles a lot: on
smiles when you walk into the room: on
calls you just to say hi: on
is a deep thinker: on
compliments you: on
has facial hair: OFF!
has freckles: on
is skinny: on
is bigger than you: on
wears eyeliner: off
tongue piercing: off
eyebrow piercing: off
tattoos: off
lip piercing: off
loyal: on
laid back: on .
rich: on
is tan: on (if it’s natural)
wears cologne: on (but NO Axe!…haha Lucy)
wears a hat: on
believes in love at first sight: on
believes in real love: on

[NUMBER]

of times i have had my heart broken: countless
of hearts i have broken: maybe 2?
of continents on which i have lived: 1
of tight friends: 5-6
of CDs I own: Maybe 15-20?
of scars on body: 2
of rings before you answer the phone: usually 2

[FIRSTS]

best friend: Annie
screen name: wildaquariangrl
self purchased album: Britney Spears: Baby, One More Time
funeral: paternal grandmother when I was 6
credit card: not yet
enemy: He shall go unnamed…
road trip: NC to NY when I was 3

[LASTS]

cigarette: 2006 maybe
car ride: yesterday morning
library book checked out: Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis, summer ‘07
movie seen: Quarantine (in theatres) in October, Scent of a Woman on TV this weekend
beverage drank: Coke
food consumed: pudding, tortilla chips, and 3 Reese’s minatures
phone call: Mom last night
time showered: this morning at 9
shoes worn: black Chucks
item bought: a Christmas window cling
CD listened to: Finch “What it is to Burn” on the way to Atlanta over the summer
annoyance: class
time wanting to die: what???
time scolded: probably sometime last weekend
CD you bought? Something by Modest Mouse for my brother
song you sang? “Hide” by Creed in the car
person you hugged? Chris
thing you laughed at? Lucy’s phone call
person you danced with: Chris

[SENTENCE COMPLETION]

In the morning I am: groggy
All I need is: Chris
Love: is a good thing
Horror movies: can be good sometimes
The worst feeling in the world is: anger

[RANDOM]

What do you usually think about before you go to bed? Homework
What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning: Do I have to get up?
Who makes you smile?: everyone
Who gives you a funny feeling when you see them?: no one
First grade teacher's name? Sister Helen
Song stuck in your head? Pass That Dutch by Missy Elliott
If you could play an instrument, it would be: violin
If you could change anything about yourself it would be: my procrastination
What's in your CD player?: don’t have one
What color socks are you wearing? White
What's under your bed? Lucy’s bed (it’s bunked)
What time did you wake up today? 9
What time do you usually wake up? Lately it’s been around 8:45-9
If you had an extra set of eyes where would you put them? Haha…somewhere on the back side of my body
Out of all of your friends, who has the coolest room?: Chris…it’s so big and private
What kind of shampoo do you use? Tresemme Color Thrive
What are you listening to right now? Random noises in the room
Where do you want to get married? Our Lady of Grace Catholic Church, Greensboro, NC
How many buddies are online right now? I’m not signed on
Random lyric: “Let them hos fight, pull the weave out. If a nigga act up pull the Desert Es out. When I pull the piece out niggas like ‘peace ouuuuuut.’”

[SHORT ANSWER]

Name four bad habits you have:
+ procrastination
+ cursing
+ getting angry too quickly
+ being mean

Name four things surrounding your computer:
+ Playboy neon lamp
+ pictures
+ vitamins
+ Germ-X

Name four things you wish you had:
+ more money
+ a miniature dachshund
+ a flexible job
+ a better body

name four scents you love:
+ my freshly shampooed hair
+ fabric softener
+ waffles
+ a clean house

name four things you are thinking about right now:
+ 8 page Shakespeare paper
+ weekend plans
+ snow
+ dinner

name four things that you have done today:
+ went to class
+ this survey (which has taken forever)
+ got upset with someone
+ played on Neopets

name the last four things you have bought:
+ dinner for Chris on Friday
+ gas
+ oil for my car
+ window cling

name four drinks you regularly drink:
+ sweet tea
+ Coke
+ Fuze
+ cranberry juice

Eight places I've visited:
+ San Francisco, CA
+ New York, NY
+ Washington, DC
+ Miami, FL
+ Atlanta, GA
+ Myrtle Beach, SC
+ Bekeley, WV
+ Wilmington, NC

Seven things to win my heart:
+ sense of humor
+ caring
+ sweet
+ smart
+ good hygiene
+ trust
+ understanding

Six things I believe in:
+ God
+ love
+ hope
+ peace
+ human strength
+ miracles

Five things I'm afraid of:
+ spiders
+ roller coasters
+ sharks
+ death
+ being alone

Four favorite items in my bedroom :
+ bed
+ Hello Kitties
+ angels
+ DVD player

Three things I do everyday :
+ Brush my teeth
+ check Facebook
+ take my vitamins

Two things I'm trying not to do right now:
+ stress out
+ homework

One person I want to see right *now*:
+ Chris J

[THE END]

introducing...

2008-11-17T15:06:00.003-05:00

Cuddles the hamster! Yes, that's right, I'm now the proud owner of a male long-haired hamster. He is absolutely cute! As you can see, he has white and gray fur. I've never had a hamster that looked like Cuddles before.

Cuddles isn't just mine though. Chris and I went
up to Petco in Kernersville yesterday and adopted him. We decided that a pet is what we need to make our "family" complete (haha). I say that in the most joking way possible. Chris has never had a hamster before, but I've had plenty of them. They're really low maintenance and cute, perfect cuddly animals to start off with. With my most recent exboyfriend whom I dated for nearly four years I had a calico bunny named (so original) "Bunny." Her situation didn't work out too well so I won't get into it, but I know Chris is way more adept at taking care of animals and he actually wants to do it, which is one of the main differences between him and my ex.

So far I haven't had a lot of time to spend with Cuddles because I live in two places at once; that is to say that I have two addresses, each within an hour of each other. I had to return to my Chapel Hill residence this morning. Anyway, I haven't seen him do much other than make his bed in the corner of his "house" and run a little bit on his wheel. Apparently he loves to nibble on people's fingers though because I got nipped twice yesterday and he got Chris's mom too. My previous hamsters, Gris and Doodle, liked to nibble on my fingers too, but I knew that they were just playing. I hope that's the way Cuddles operates too. I don't want any bloody fingers!

That should be all for now. I'm sure there will be more Cuddles posts in the future. Homework is calling my name from a distance!

morning glory

2008-11-15T16:12:00.004-05:00

For lack of ambition and thought today, I decided to post one of my writings for all to read. I wrote this piece for my nature writing class that I'm taking this semester. It is accompanied by a picture taken by my boyfriend's mom :)

...

Five wide, white petals join and open towards the sun. They resemble the horn of an old-fashioned Victrola. Creased petals guide eyes down into the center, where a brilliant splash of purple awaits. The morning sun breathes life into these simple, delicate flowers, which are appropriately named morning glories. Some consider them to be weeds which grow unwanted among their prized azaleas or rose bushes. Maybe they fear that the vines may strangle the other flowers. Morning glories can commonly be seen along roadsides and hiking trails, growing within thick mounds of ivy. During the afternoon, the broad horn of petals folds along the creases and closes, leaving the flower to appear asleep. Even in its dormant state, the flower delicately curls at the opening, awaiting the soft rays of the early morning sun. Once the morning glory answers the beckoning of the sun, it will unfold slowly as if waking up from a deep slumber and once again reach with its petals towards its source of life.

The colorful center of the flowers begins when the petals converge. It appears as if the purple rises deep and strong from the center and bursts forth, trying to color the very tips of the petals. The pristine white wins though, forcing the purple to fade from a deep shade to a magenta, and finally to a slight pink. The pattern of fading ends with a feathered effect, suggesting that a painter spread the color upwards with his paintbrush. The stigmas burst forth from their pool of purple and stand tall, awaiting pollination. Morning glories may seem like a menace to gardeners with their vines and seeming urge to dominate, yet they are simple and elegant. The way that they turn their faces towards the sun makes them appear graceful. Something about these flowers suggests beauty in simplicity, and reminds us that even nature needs its beauty sleep.

© Sarah Elizabeth Murray, 2008

Photography © Lisa Cain, 2008

the budget

2008-11-11T14:38:00.002-05:00

Doesn't the title sound like an episode of Seinfeld? Sometimes I feel like my life could be on a TV show, but I'll save that for another entry. This one is strictly for highlighting my financial woes.

As (almost) any college student could tell you, it sucks to be broke. Up until this year I had a work-study job but now I don't...long story, not that interesting. Basically, this leaves me with almost no money for anything fun. I'm reminded of this as I sit here eating my Pop 'n Chicken...a microwave Michelina's meal with small pieces of chicken and mashed potatoes in the shape of a smiley face. What's to be happy about when you're a lump of potatoes about to be ingested? I guess it's more for little kids but hey, it was cheap! So, you ask, with no job, how am I able to go to the grocery store? Over the summer I work full time in a relatively well-paying position as a teller. This summer I saved up pretty much all of the money that I earned and am budgeting myself. Each month I move a certain amount of money from my savings account into my checking account. This money isn't a lot compared to what having a biweekly paying job would bring in. Basically it's just enough to pay my bills. If I didn't have a boyfriend I wouldn't have anything. That's really sad...but it's the way things have to be for now.

Speaking of budgets, my boyfriend has also put me on one. I'm allotted a certain amount of money from him a month for our dinner dates, etc. He owns his own company but I guess he isn't getting any business right now...and hasn't since last year. I feel bad for spending his money but at the same time I have a need for a life. Like I already said, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have anything at all. He's a very generous person and I love him for it, but I absolutely suck at budgeting! For instance, it's only the second week in November and I'm already half way through my budget for the month. I just know I'm going to go over, especially since I've been coming home every weekend this month when usually I stay in Chapel Hill most of the time. I have no idea what's going to happen...

I know many of you are asking, "Why doesn't she just get a job?" Well the answer to that is simple. I'm already stressed enough with my school work and sometimes I barely have enough time to do it all. I know I could be better with my time but still, I feel like I need time to relax as well as to do my work. Anyways, if I got a job that would take up all of my free time and eventually cut into my work time. I would love to have a work-study job, but a job off campus is so inconvenient due to transportation problems and time requirements. I just hope I can work during Christmas break. If not, I'm definitely going to have a lot of trouble coming my way.

Hope everyone is having a better time with their checkbooks than I am!

brunette!

2008-11-10T15:33:00.003-05:00

This weekend when I went home I did something really drastic to my hair...ehhh...not in a bad way though! I've always been a blonde, though my hair has been varying shades (all natural). I decided it was time to change it up a little so I went to Supercuts in Kernersville and got my hair beauty-fied. The first thing I did was to get my eyebrows waxed again, and then my stylist (Kayla) dyed my hair a color called "Chestnut." It's only two shades darker than my natural color so it isn't that big of a change, which is good for preventing freak-outs. Then she cut my hair in layers and gave me a side bang that hangs over my face from the left side. After that it was all styled and such, which is both good and bad. Good in that I looked like a foxy mama coming out of the salon, but bad because I could never recreate it! I can only hope that maybe one day when I have lots of time on my hands I can have the patience to dry my hair with my trusty round brush and it will come out like it did yesterday. I walked in wanting something different, and boy did I get it! Kayla got a really big tip for all of her hard work and let me tell you, she is awesome with color (and everything else)! So if you're ever in K-Vegas and want a haircut, I highly recommend her.

On a different note, I counted at least seven ladybugs in one of my classrooms today. Others were also commenting that they had seen a gratuitous amount of the red beetles elsewhere across campus. What is the deal?!? Maybe I'll figure it out and get back to ya'll.

See you later!

d.t.p. (disturbing the peace)

2008-11-06T19:18:00.003-05:00

Remember how in my first post I said that this blog was mainly a kvetching board? Today's entry will be a full fledged kvetch, so if you're interested in my complaints read on...

First of all, I know some people don't know what a kvetch is. I'll define it as the school newspaper, The Daily Tarheel, defines it:
kvetch (v): [Yiddish] to complain

On Fridays, the DTH publishes a section called the "Kvetching Board" where students send in their anonymous complaints. They're usually pretty funny, but some aren't that great. A few weeks ago my roommate and BFF Lucy ran across one that made me almost fall out of my chair laughing (literally!). Here it is, reprinted in full:

"Thank you, Cobb Community, for being stricter than a Catholic school. The RAs should just start wearing habits when they hand out noise violations at 10:30 on a Saturday night."

Here's the background story for why I found that so funny...

One weekend me, Lucy, and our other roommate Emily were watching one of Quentin Taratino's finest films, Pulp Fiction. Anyone who has seen the film knows that it is pretty long, so we were just finishing it around 2:00 AM on a Saturday morning. Literally as soon as we turned the TV off, someone came knocking on our door. We didn't know what to expect. Maybe it was a neighbor asking us to turn our TV down, which would be a completely acceptable request. I know the walls are thin and pretty much anything can be easily heard if you live next door. Let me preface something at this point: The TV WAS NOT loud enough to be heard out in the hallway, which would have been ridiculous. Even though the walls are thin, it still takes a lot of noise to be heard in the hallway. So anyway, Emily opens the door and it happens to be the RA on Duty, asking us to "please turn your music down." Like I said before, we had turn the TV off before she knocked. We complied and didn't think anything of it until the following Tuesday when the RA on our hall came and gave us an envelope. I opened it and inside was a long letter stating that we had received a noise violation!!! This letter was completely unexpected and definitely an unwelcome intruder. I thought that noise violations were only to be given out if we did not comply with the RA on Duty's wishes. For example, if she had to tell us more than once to turn it down, a noise violation would be acceptable in my opinion. Apparently this isn't the case this year. Noise violations in Cobb run more rampant than bunnies in the spring. Seriously.

Here is the next example of unfairness on behalf of Cobb:
Lucy had a few guests over one weekend when I went home. There were only two girls visiting and it was a little late on a Friday night when they returned to our room. Lucy told me that she and her two friends were talking at a normal level, not yelling or being excessively loud, when not one but TWO RAs on Duty come a knocking at our door (around 12:15 AM). Once again, we were given a noise violation, except this one didn't have an accompanying write-up. I find this completely gratuitous. Now I understand that "Quiet Hours" start at 9:00 PM, but seriously, if we're talking at normal volumes and not disturbing anyone it shouldn't be a problem. Cobb RAs have totally turned into Nazis this year, and for no apparent reason.

Once again, I would like to point out that the two times we were asked to quiet down were on the weekend. Completely ridiculous! Who is studying on a Friday or Saturday night/morning? Pretty much no one. If it was during exam time I would completely understand. What baffles me is that there is a lot of noise on our hall on weeknights and I don't hear RAs knocking on doors then. If you're going to be a stickler for the rules, at least be consistent with it and give out those letters on weekdays when they actually matter.

People on the hall continue to receive noise violations, but so far our room hasn't had any other than those two. I'm glad to be noise violation-free, but at the same time I still wonder why we even had any to begin with. I know about being a curteous neighbor and I wouldn't do anything that I felt would annoy any of my hallmates (which can't be said for some of the girls who live on this hall). I'll never know why the powers that be decided to put us residents in a chokehold this year, but at least it has become a running joke in our room. We always say "Oh, you better watch out! The volume is above 10!!!" when we watch a movie or something on the weekends. I guess it's better to make light out of a situation that you don't completely understand rather than stressing about it.

Sorry for the long entry, but sometimes there's just something a girl's got to get off of her chest (even if it is old news)!
Until next time!

ladybugs

2008-11-05T15:26:00.000-05:00

I'd like to start this entry by congratulating our new president elect, Barack Obama. I seriously hope he does us right.

Moving along...

I've seen a lot of ladybugs near my dorm today. I really don't know what's going on being as I used my trusty Wikipedia and it seems that they disappear during the winter. I know it isn't winter yet, but I still think it's extremely odd to see so many of them flying around. I love ladybugs. They're really pretty and they've always been my favorite insect. I didn't know until today that they were a type of beetle. Call me crazy, but I just never even thought about it! You really do learn something new every day.

This weekend I'm going to get a semi-makeover. My hair is getting really unruly so I'm cutting it. Not too short, but short enough. I'm also thinking about getting color and going brunette. I definitely need a change of pace. That's a decision I'm going to have to think really hard about though. I've always enjoyed my natural strawberry blond. What if it doesn't come back? What if I don't like being brunette? We'll see how it pans out.

Shakespeare and nature critiques are calling so I have to cut this short. Hope you enjoy the rest of your evening!

happy election day!

2008-11-04T21:28:00.000-05:00

It only comes once every four years, and it's not Leap Day. It's the day when we voice our opinions and elect a new president for our country. As I explained last time, I am a student at UNC Chapel Hill, also known as "The Most Liberal Place in North Carolina." I've seen a lot of Obama t-shirts and bumper stickers that read "1.20.09: Bush's Last Day." These sightings don't surprise me at all, and actually I'd be scared and wonder if hell froze over if I didn't see them. But me, I'm not so liberal. I'm pretty moderate for the most part. As I try to explain to people often, I'm financially conservative and socially liberal. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for gay rights and a woman's right to choose an abortion, but I feel like this year the social issues can wait. Has anyone seen the state of our economy? Granted I'm not extremely worried about the recession because I've taken a Civics & Economics class and am well aware that the economy runs in a cycle. Remember a few years ago when we were on the verge of a recession and now it's happened? Case in point. I know that in order for a boom cycle, a bust cycle must follow or preceed. Inflation is bad and people are losing their jobs. The banks are in a big mess because of the subprime lending crisis and the stock market continues to plumet. While these facts are scary, I do have hope (not to be overly Obama-esque) for the future of our country. The day will come when the stock market will rise, new jobs will be created, inflation will go down, and the dollar's worth will grow back to its previous standing (if not better). Our economic situation prompted me to vote for John McCain, and I will stand by my decision no matter what someone wants to throw at me. I have no doubt that both candidates are highly qualified for the position, but McCain seems like the better choice for what I believe in. I feel like he can take control of our economy and help it along so that our suffering isn't so bad. In my opinion, McCain seems to have a better understanding of economics and taxes than Obama.

That aside, I truly hope everyone got out and voted either early or today. Thank you for braving the long lines if you encountered them. In today's day and age it is extremely important for everyone to exercise their right to vote. This wouldn't be a democracy if we didn't have any say in the matter. Whoever wins, I know that this presidential term will be a new thing for our country and I'm really interested in seeing what happens.

Fox News is on mute right now so I can occassionally check out the returns. I can't wait to see who we chose for our new president!
Here's to both men...may the best one win!

bonjour!

2008-11-03T13:27:00.000-05:00

So I already have a blog at MySpace, and I'm pretty sure that I'm getting one on a "real" website later this month. This is a temporary blog. Sometimes a girl just needs to get her thoughts on paper, or in the case, on the web. At first the idea of blogging was a little creepy to me..."wow, someone can read my thoughts..." well, not exactly. I have to let them in. So I am. Welcome to the inside circle, although it may not be that interesting or the most desirable place to be.

A little about me:

I'm 20 years old (soon to be 21) and a junior in college (UNC Chapel Hill). I'm working on a Bachelor of Arts degree in English with a minor in Creative Writing (hence the blog). After finishing my BA, I want to go on to law school to get my JD degree. Hopefully I'll either be a divorce lawyer, a corporate attorney, or a criminal prosecutor. I haven't decided as of yet. I have a wonderful boyfriend who dotes on me more than he should. He puts up with me...what can I say? I love him for it. We've been dating for almost eight months.

My two favorite things are dogs and babies. I hope to have a little of both in the future. My mom inadvertantly promised me a miniature dachshund when I graduate from college so I've already picked out his name: Tyson. To go along with Tyson, a teacup pomeranian would be cute and since they resemble miniature teddy bears, his name would be Teddy. So there you have it, the name of my blog comes from my future pets. Cute? Maybe.

I have an expensive taste for the finer things in life (ask the boyfriend). Unfortunately, money doesn't grow on trees as I thought it did when I was younger. North Carolina did not provide me with work-study money this year so I had to work extra hard over the summer and save up everything. This puts a huge damper on my desire to own a Coach handbag, a Burberry scarf, Chanel sunglasses, and other costly accessories. Being unemployed bites. That said, my favorite store is DSW (Designer Shoe Warehouse) and I'm always browsing in there for my next great purchase. I guess when I have my own house it'll have to have one of those gigantic closets like Carrie has in Sex and the City. Otherwise I don't know where all of my things are going to fit.

I think that's enough about me for now. I'll be sure to try to keep this thing updated frequently, but I'm not promising everyday. Maybe from time to time I'll post a few of my short pieces of writing, but mostly this will just be a kvetching board...perhaps I'll steal some of those from The Daily Tarheel.

Until next time.
Au revoir!