Lately I have been quite dissatisfied with my post-grad life. I never imagined that life after college would be so difficult. I also realize that waiting to go to graduate school was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. Why? Because I feel like I'm wasting time. I couldn't wait to get out of school and take a break to decide what I want to do with my life. Now I realize that I had it pretty good while I was in school. Life was much simpler.

Here's what is wrong:
I am having money issues.

I recently got two loan statements declaring that my grace period has ended and informing me of my payment schedule. All together my loans are almost $300 per month. In March I will have to start paying on another school loan and that payment will be $40 per month. I need to apply for income-based repayment so I'll have some money in my pocket and it won't all be going to keeping my credit score high. I need a new car! With those payments I won't be able to afford a new one for the next ten years.

Tonight I gathered a bunch of information for applying to law school. The total fees I will incur during that process come to just short of $500. I need to accrue that money by February 15. Along with that, I need to find two people willing to write some outstanding letters of recommendation for me. I also need to somewhat prepare for the LSAT. I know that I absolutely cannot wait another year to go back to school. I need to start a career and ASAP! I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck already.

My job is another thing that I'm having issues with. I love the company I work for and the people I work with. However, I dread going to work most days because call center work is just not for me. I enjoy doing customer service, but talking on the phone all day wears me down. I always have a huge headache at the end of the day and my ears feel numb and sore from the headset I have to wear. If I could do something other than take phone calls all day I'd be happy. For now though, I just have to deal with it. I will probably start applying for other jobs soon, though. I just hate to think I'll be back in the job hunting process because it is so tiring and frustrating, but it must be done.

In happier news, my anniversary with Daniel is on Wednesday. I can't believe it's been a year already. I've never been happier. I know things have been rocky at times but we always move past the difficulties and at the end of the day we know we love each other. I recently came to the conclusion that he makes me feel normal. This is the closest to normal that I've felt in a VERY long time. And on that note, I will conclude this entry.

as the end draws near...

Maybe I'm just overreacting, which wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me, but I feel like my relationship is coming to an end.

The truth is, I'm tired. I'm really, really tired of everything. The fights, the early morning/late night calls when he knows I have to go to work the next morning, the constant disrespect and disregard for my culture, family, geographical location, etc. I love him to death, but how far can I go on if I'm truly tired?

This is the first time I've seen an end coming and I know what I need to do. A break may work, but then again a permanent break will probably be better. The thing about this ending is that it's a sad one. In the past my relationships have ended on a harsher, angrier note. There was resentment and name-calling and a number of other ugly things. This one is different. I still have the same feelings for him as I did when we first met. I can't help him anymore because he simply won't let me. He says I don't know him, but how can I know him if he won't let me in?

I think Facebook should have an "In a Failing Relationship" option. We already let our business be known all over the internet so why not reveal the true status of our most private moments? So unless this is fixed (and it definitely takes two WILLING individuals to do so), I may have to change mine to "Single" soon.

That's all for now...

without further ado...

I'd like to introduce

GRUMPY!

I know I've mentioned him here once or twice but never devoted an entry just to him. As most of you know, I've wanted a miniature dachshund for years. I finally had my dream come true on May 2 of this year. My parents got Grumpy for me as a graduation gift. I adopted him from Doxie Acre Dachshund Rescue out of Germanton, NC, and I couldn't be happier.

This little dog is the light of my life. He only weighs 11 pounds, but he brings ten times that much love to me everyday. At first I wasn't sure that we would bond because he seemed to love my brother a lot. The first day I had him he was just becoming used to his new environment, so he cried and whined for his foster dad to come back. Grumpy was sad for a few hours, but soon found solace in my brother's arms. Unfortunately I had to go back to school that night for a final exam the next morning, so Grumpy and Thomas bonded while I was gone. Later the next day, mom called me and told me that I better come home or I wasn't going to have a dog! I rushed home and held and played with Grumpy until eventually we were inseparable. The hard part came just two days later when I had to go back to school to turn in my last final and clean up my apartment, oh yeah, and GRADUATE! So even though the day I'd been waiting for since 2006 was finally upon me, all I could think about was my little Grumpster, who was sitting at home missing me. On May 9, after a special graduation, all I could think about was getting home to my little doggie. I'm so glad that we bonded so well. He follows me around the house constantly and sits on a chair by the window watching for me to get home. I love Grumpy so much and I can't imagine a better dog. He's very playful but also shy around other people at first. He loves to roll on his back and have his belly rubbed and snuggle in piles of blankets and pillows on the days we change sheets. This little dog honestly makes me feel a love I've never felt before and I'm just so happy to have him in my life! He's the perfect companion for me, so waiting so long to get him was well worth it.

let me go

Lately I haven't been able to sleep. This is a problem I had last summer and up until the fall of last year when I started taking medication for it. Seeing as I'm uninsured I can't continue to take my Lunesta and therefore I'm hurting. Things were good for awhile, but now that I'm completely unsure about my work situation I'm stressed and anxious and broke. That's probably why I can't sleep. But also, a certain someone who I've mentioned here before keeps coming back into my dreams. These dreams jar me awake and I can't get back to a restful state. I wake up almost every hour. Why do you have to bother me so much? Why can't I just let YOU go? Or maybe it's you who can't let ME go. I don't know. Either way, I really need to find some peace or I will be running on empty again and I hate that feeling.

In other news, I had a job interview in Chapel Hill yesterday with Harrington Bank. I have a lot of experience relative to that position so I'm crossing my fingers, eyes, and toes in hopes of getting it. If I do I will be moving back to Chapel Hill and getting an apartment with Daniel and Grumpy (my miniature dachshund who I've left out of this blog). I can't wait to start my life but I'm scared of what the future holds because of financial reasons. I don't know why I can't seem to save a dime but I've got to get better about keeping track of my earnings. Hopefully I will learn how to better manage my money and start saving for law school expenses. Just something to ponder.

Until next time...

feeling low

I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything, watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
-Linkin Park, "By Myself"

So today has been one hectic day for my emotions. The verse above definitely describes how I feel right now, right down to the very core of my being. I know I can't help all the things that have gone wrong but they still bother me. First thing's first: my job. I've worked this summer job for four summers now and I thought I was going to get on the permanent staff since there were openings. I found out yesterday that I won't be allowed to join High Point Bank, a place where I love to work, due to a conflict of interest involving my mother's position with the bank. Honestly, I expected this so it didn't come as much of a shock. It could have been a lot worse. However, at the same time I was in the process of getting an apartment and starting to finally live the life I've wanted to live for a long time. I want to be independent and live on my own outside of my parents' house. This is a basic want felt by most college graduates and I thought I was going to get it fulfilled. Along with having housing covered I would have been getting benefits. On midnight of my graduation day my insurance was canceled because I would no longer be a full time student. This leads me into my next point.

I've been sick for the past three weeks with first medication withdrawals and now some sort of allergy attack/sinus infection that turned into a nasty stomach virus a few days ago. I decided to come off of my depression medication because I felt like things were finally looking up enough so that I could handle them. Stepping down Effexor is like taking a meth addict off of the drug without a methadone clinic. My head was spinning, I had no balance, orientation, or equilibrium to speak of. I had to miss 2 and a half days of work because I was in no condition to be there. After I came off of those withdrawals I felt physically better but could tell immediately there was a difference in my mood. I am recognizing the same symptoms of my depression: sleeplessness, irritability, loss of interest, loss of appetite, lethargy, and bad mood swings. Due to the fact that I have no insurance I can no longer take my medication and so I have to find a way to deal with these feelings on a daily basis. The day I felt better from my withdrawals I had an awful sore throat that turned into me not being able to breathe and subsequently cost me another half a day of work. Earlier this week, after thinking I was over the sinus infection, I woke up with severe nausea that didn't go away and a bout of stomach and digestion problems which I will not go into. That finally ended yesterday, so now I'm back to the stuffy sinuses. Hopefully I didn't have anything more severe than a sinus infection (like strep throat). I never get sick until I don't have insurance! Then it's like a flood of ailments all rushing in at once.

Finally, I feel like I've failed. A LOT. Sure, I've graduated college. But what does my degree say? Bachelor of Arts: English. Today I was scanning the University Career Services job database only to find absolutely nothing that I could do with my degree. For now I'm pretty much stuck in either retail or banking because that's what I have work experience in. I'd rather not go back to retail. That would be a huge waste of four years of college. I am currently regretting my decision to not continue my education and apply to law school like I should have. I thought taking a year off would give me time to build savings and relax from the stress of college, but I was wrong. I'm way more stressed out now than I was at the end of my final semester. I feel like my days at the bank are numbered since I only have until mid-August to find a job, and that's putting a lot of pressure on me. I need money to take the LSAT, apply to law school, and find a place to live. Not to mention the fact that I have a boyfriend who currently has no job, no car, and no way to support himself, let alone me. I'm not used to being the main provider in a relationship and it's really weighing me down. Things have to change, and soon. Otherwise I'm going to sink quickly and spiral into the depression I worked so hard to pull myself out of.

I hate that this has to be such a depressing blog entry but I don't know what else to say. Also, today is the birthday of my former best friend, Lucy. I don't really want to get into what happened to us but let's just say that we had a really bad falling out early in the school year. I wish things could have been different, but really, not having her in my life for the past few months has been a good change for me. My outlook on things is different and I can breathe and speak my mind without thinking twice about it or having to come up with an excuse about why I feel a certain way. Basically I can just be myself, no strings attached. It feels good but at the same time I was really sad to lose someone who had been so close to me for almost four years. All of these things add up to be a horrible mood dampener so I don't know when I'm going to pull myself out of this funk but I certainly hope it's soon. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and if anyone's out there who can relate please share how you got through your rough times. If there's ever been a time when I needed a lot of support this is it.

Thanks everyone.

I'm back

So I haven't written in quite some time. Life seems to catch up to you in that way. Right now I'm relaxing a little before I eat breakfast and head to work. Yep, that's right, work! I am officially a college graduate and have a job, which is hard to come by these days. Luckily my summer internship has been very good to me and I will hopefully become a permanent member of the High Point Bank staff soon.
I guess that's enough for catching up so I will go on to mention something that has been bothering me lately.
Around March I started having these dreams where a certain someone would always be in the same area I was. This someone and I do not get along and seeing them around me has caused me anxiety for the last few months. Anyway, seeing them in my dream was not a good thing because we would always get into fights and then I would proceed to beat the crap out of him/her/it. People who know me know that I'm not a violent person at all so the thought of having a physical confrontation with someone who used to be close to me is really disturbing. A few nights ago I had another dream where this person invaded and people were comparing us. Of course this dream did not go well either. I don't know what to do. Is this underlying anxiety about a lost friend? Probably. I would feel a whole lot better if I could stop dreaming about them. The sad part is, consciously I'm not aware of my anxieties but apparently my subconscious is still reeling because these dreams don't come out of nowhere. It's just so sad that things have to happen this way, but usually they're for the better. I just wish my mind would stop haunting me!
Time's up now so I have to finish getting ready to go to work. I will try to be better about writing. I've missed this.