feeling low

I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything, watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
-Linkin Park, "By Myself"

So today has been one hectic day for my emotions. The verse above definitely describes how I feel right now, right down to the very core of my being. I know I can't help all the things that have gone wrong but they still bother me. First thing's first: my job. I've worked this summer job for four summers now and I thought I was going to get on the permanent staff since there were openings. I found out yesterday that I won't be allowed to join High Point Bank, a place where I love to work, due to a conflict of interest involving my mother's position with the bank. Honestly, I expected this so it didn't come as much of a shock. It could have been a lot worse. However, at the same time I was in the process of getting an apartment and starting to finally live the life I've wanted to live for a long time. I want to be independent and live on my own outside of my parents' house. This is a basic want felt by most college graduates and I thought I was going to get it fulfilled. Along with having housing covered I would have been getting benefits. On midnight of my graduation day my insurance was canceled because I would no longer be a full time student. This leads me into my next point.

I've been sick for the past three weeks with first medication withdrawals and now some sort of allergy attack/sinus infection that turned into a nasty stomach virus a few days ago. I decided to come off of my depression medication because I felt like things were finally looking up enough so that I could handle them. Stepping down Effexor is like taking a meth addict off of the drug without a methadone clinic. My head was spinning, I had no balance, orientation, or equilibrium to speak of. I had to miss 2 and a half days of work because I was in no condition to be there. After I came off of those withdrawals I felt physically better but could tell immediately there was a difference in my mood. I am recognizing the same symptoms of my depression: sleeplessness, irritability, loss of interest, loss of appetite, lethargy, and bad mood swings. Due to the fact that I have no insurance I can no longer take my medication and so I have to find a way to deal with these feelings on a daily basis. The day I felt better from my withdrawals I had an awful sore throat that turned into me not being able to breathe and subsequently cost me another half a day of work. Earlier this week, after thinking I was over the sinus infection, I woke up with severe nausea that didn't go away and a bout of stomach and digestion problems which I will not go into. That finally ended yesterday, so now I'm back to the stuffy sinuses. Hopefully I didn't have anything more severe than a sinus infection (like strep throat). I never get sick until I don't have insurance! Then it's like a flood of ailments all rushing in at once.

Finally, I feel like I've failed. A LOT. Sure, I've graduated college. But what does my degree say? Bachelor of Arts: English. Today I was scanning the University Career Services job database only to find absolutely nothing that I could do with my degree. For now I'm pretty much stuck in either retail or banking because that's what I have work experience in. I'd rather not go back to retail. That would be a huge waste of four years of college. I am currently regretting my decision to not continue my education and apply to law school like I should have. I thought taking a year off would give me time to build savings and relax from the stress of college, but I was wrong. I'm way more stressed out now than I was at the end of my final semester. I feel like my days at the bank are numbered since I only have until mid-August to find a job, and that's putting a lot of pressure on me. I need money to take the LSAT, apply to law school, and find a place to live. Not to mention the fact that I have a boyfriend who currently has no job, no car, and no way to support himself, let alone me. I'm not used to being the main provider in a relationship and it's really weighing me down. Things have to change, and soon. Otherwise I'm going to sink quickly and spiral into the depression I worked so hard to pull myself out of.

I hate that this has to be such a depressing blog entry but I don't know what else to say. Also, today is the birthday of my former best friend, Lucy. I don't really want to get into what happened to us but let's just say that we had a really bad falling out early in the school year. I wish things could have been different, but really, not having her in my life for the past few months has been a good change for me. My outlook on things is different and I can breathe and speak my mind without thinking twice about it or having to come up with an excuse about why I feel a certain way. Basically I can just be myself, no strings attached. It feels good but at the same time I was really sad to lose someone who had been so close to me for almost four years. All of these things add up to be a horrible mood dampener so I don't know when I'm going to pull myself out of this funk but I certainly hope it's soon. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and if anyone's out there who can relate please share how you got through your rough times. If there's ever been a time when I needed a lot of support this is it.

Thanks everyone.