hello again

I know, I know...it's been forever. I just feel the urge to write today.

I just did the most difficult thing that I've ever had to do up until this point in my life. My boyfriend Daniel just moved back to Connecticut and I took him home. It was a nice vacation (it was excellent to have my first "vacation" since I started working for RL back in September 2010), but I'm home now and really sad.

I don't know how to make the empty feeling go away. I know Daniel and I have had a long distance relationship for the past year now (he lived an hour away), but for some reason this feels extremely different. I have this overwhelming anxiety because I don't know when I will see him again. I have wisdom tooth extraction next month and hopefully he will be able to come for that, but it's a slim chance. If I don't see him in July I probably won't see him until January. That is forever away and it scares me. I know we are strong and we will make it through this but I really miss him already. I want to be able to see him two times a week on my days off, but it's really impossible to take a trip to Connecticut to do that. It's hitting me really hard that we are apart now.

The good thing is that this has given me an opportunity to accomplish something amazing. It may not seem like a huge deal, but I just drove almost 12 hours by myself. I left Connecticut at around 10:30 am and made it home at 8:50 pm. I drove across the Tappan Zee Bridge and didn't have a panic attack, pulled off the highway in Pennsylvania for gas and didn't get lost, and used a rest area without incident. I've never driven that far alone before and I feel so proud of myself for getting through it. Now I keep telling myself that all I have to do is make it through the months without seeing Daniel and I will be fine. We have plans for me to move up North, hopefully by this time next year. That seems like a lot of time but when I think about how much money I need to save I get a little freaked out and overwhelmed. Not to mention I have to make arrangements for my adorable babies (my dogs, Grumpy and Daisy). I can't leave them behind and it is nearly impossible to find an apartment or rental home in CT that accepts dogs. Why a place would allow cats but not dogs is a mystery to me. I'm not a cat fan in the first place, but honestly they have a tendency to "spray" all over the place (I guess this equates to marking their territory). Also, the indoor cats cause odor problems with the litter box if the owner doesn't clean it out regularly. Sure, dogs have accidents, but I'm a responsible mommy and make sure that all messes are cleaned immediately. I guess it's just too much of a risk to allow a dog and have an irresponsible owner let the place go to crap. It just stinks that it will be that much harder to find a place with Daniel.

Another thing I have anxiety about is leaving home. I love Daniel and I very much want to live with him, but 12 hours away from the place I've lived all my life is daunting. I have to leave my family and the few friends I have behind. Also, I've never been up north during the winter (and we rarely have any horrible snow in NC), so I have no idea how to drive in the snow/ice/whatever else. Also, I'm sure it's really cold up there from about late October to probably early March (again, I'm not sure). I love cold weather and would welcome a change from sweltering, humid summers, but am I really ready for below 0 temps? Probably not. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes.

If anyone has any suggestions about how to survive a long distance relationship, please comment. I need all the help I can get! I have to admit that I don't feel as horrible now as I did when I was trying to prepare myself for this day; but at the same time I still feel really empty inside. I'm hoping that this feeling will fade with time, and hopefully I'm blessed with a short waiting time for beginning my life with Daniel. We both know we want to work towards marriage but it just seems so out of reach at the moment. I hope this will get better!!!

I've rambled on enough, so I will end now. Hopefully I'll get around to writing here more often (I feel like I say that every time I sporadically come here), but we shall see. On a side note, I'm REALLY happy to have tomorrow off. Sundays are made for lying around the house, not working! :) Until next time everyone...