I'm back

So I haven't written in quite some time. Life seems to catch up to you in that way. Right now I'm relaxing a little before I eat breakfast and head to work. Yep, that's right, work! I am officially a college graduate and have a job, which is hard to come by these days. Luckily my summer internship has been very good to me and I will hopefully become a permanent member of the High Point Bank staff soon.
I guess that's enough for catching up so I will go on to mention something that has been bothering me lately.
Around March I started having these dreams where a certain someone would always be in the same area I was. This someone and I do not get along and seeing them around me has caused me anxiety for the last few months. Anyway, seeing them in my dream was not a good thing because we would always get into fights and then I would proceed to beat the crap out of him/her/it. People who know me know that I'm not a violent person at all so the thought of having a physical confrontation with someone who used to be close to me is really disturbing. A few nights ago I had another dream where this person invaded and people were comparing us. Of course this dream did not go well either. I don't know what to do. Is this underlying anxiety about a lost friend? Probably. I would feel a whole lot better if I could stop dreaming about them. The sad part is, consciously I'm not aware of my anxieties but apparently my subconscious is still reeling because these dreams don't come out of nowhere. It's just so sad that things have to happen this way, but usually they're for the better. I just wish my mind would stop haunting me!
Time's up now so I have to finish getting ready to go to work. I will try to be better about writing. I've missed this.

fate

I always hear a lot of people talking about their fates, but I never really considered mine until last week. It's crazy how life brings people together, rips them apart, pushes them away, etc. Last week, I started dating Daniel. He is exactly the man I need and have been looking for for so long. The crazy thing about this whole thing is, we work together. He noticed me from my first day on the job and though I noticed we were getting closer (ie: talking more), I never imagined that a relationship would come of it. Over the Thanksgiving holiday we started talking online and eventually on the phone. We met up, hung out outside of work, and decided that we wanted to be together. This is all so sudden for me, especially since I just finished therapy for what was a terrible relationship that damaged me in ways I never thought possible. Oddly enough, I'm happy. Moving on is easier than I ever thought it would be. Getting rid of toxic people in my life has proved to be something that has been trying, yet extremely worthwhile. Chris and I are still friends, although we don't talk nearly as much as we used to. David and I no longer speak. Lucy and I are on the outs, probably permanently. But all of that is okay. At first, I was very unhappy with life and going through huge bouts of depression that just leveled me. In the short time we've been together, Daniel has managed to erase all my doubts about ever finding a real, honest, GOOD, man. Of all the people I've dated, he's the only man. A man is not someone who is tough 24/7, but someone who knows how to take care of their family, their obligations, and themselves. Daniel's had a hard life, but it's made him stronger and I appreciate everything that's happened that's made us come together. I think we both go together perfectly because we need each other to fulfill our needs. Not once in my life have I met someone so wonderful. He treats me with respect and is constantly telling his friends about me. He does little things for me like holds my umbrella, opens doors, pulls out my chair, or helps me with my coat. Even though we've only been together for a week I know that I love him. My heart tells me so. And this is so different from any kind of love I've ever felt before. After Chris ripped my heart to pieces I never thought I'd find what I thought was love again. Thank you, fate, for bringing me on the path that lead me to Daniel. Even though I hated being hurt by someone who I loved, it was all worth it. Everything is worth this. For the first time in a very long time, I'm happy. I feel secure, safe, and loved. That's all I've ever wanted in someone and now I've found it.
And PS: Daniel feels the exact same way =D

bus drivers

Sometimes I think I project my anxieties onto others. I have been thinking about this recently because due to my move I've been having to spend a lot of time on buses. I wonder how the bus driver feels when people get on the bus and don't acknowledge his existence. He is giving them a free ride to their destination, so why not say hello, good morning, or thank you upon exiting? The thing that bothers me most is when I'm in a hurry and people keep pressing the tape to request a stop. I'd get so annoyed if I had to drive the bus and listen to that little ding followed by an overly happy female voice announcing "Stop Requested." I guess you could get used to it and not really care, but sometimes when I'm on the bus for a particularly long ride it feels like my chest gets tighter with every ding. I wonder if that's how the bus driver feels. I just have a problem with driving in general. Anytime someone tailgates me for five minutes, then speeds past me I feel really nervous/anxious. I wonder why they can't just go around. If I had to drive a huge bus full of noisy, rude students on their cell phones all day I'd probably go nuts (even more so than I already am). So I guess this is a huge thank you to all bus drivers. It's a job I know I definitely couldn't do and I'm glad that someone out there can. It'd be a tough thing for me since apparently just riding on the bus causes me stress.

rain

No, not the weather. The song. Not the one by Candlebox but the one by Breaking Benjamin. Before I write about it I want to say that I am not the biggest Breaking Benjamin fan. I loved their album Saturate and then I felt like in every other subsequent album they "sold out" by totally changing their sound to fit what was popular back in that day. I think some of their new stuff sounds similar to their older songs but anyway...

I am listening to Rain on the album We Are Not Alone. It is such a pretty song and it brings back a lot of fond memories and nostalgia for me. I don't know why but usually when I get into these moods and listen to songs like this I cry and my heart pounds and anxiety builds up in my chest. Even though my eyes are burning just a little, I'm really happy. I think the memories that this song evokes are those of my relationship with Chris, how happy I was with him and just the simple feeling of comfort when he reached for my hand in the car or rubbed my back just a little when he needed to touch me. Just sweet little gestures like that and the way they made me feel are what this song reminds me of. I'm not sad at all, just feeling very mellow and content and somewhat on top of the world. Even though we aren't together anymore I can sit back and realize what a wonderful guy I had and how good it made me feel. It isn't all the time that a guy as great as he is comes along. Even though we had a lot of ups and downs (most of which you've read about here on this blog) I still consider our relationship to be a learning experience and overall I am very happy that I was able to live it, the good and the bad, even for just a little bit. I wouldn't take back one thing that I went through with him even though a lot of it hurt. Love is a crazy thing sometimes.

Without further ado, the lyrics and the song:



Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,

I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion of
A heart to wrap around
so I can find my way around

Safe to say from here,
You're getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,
is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

hello again

I know I've been away from here for so long, but I just felt like I didn't have anything to say. This morning I woke up feeling energized so I told myself I was going to get on here and write something. Good thing there's a topic I want to discuss! As usual, it's relationships, but this time it's not one of mine. Actually, it's complicated because it is a relationship I had previously but now I'm not involved. I suppose I should explain (warning, this could get rather lengthy)...

My freshman year in high school I met David. We started dating in February 2003 and things got off to a rocky start because people thought that he broke up with his girlfriend (who was a close friend of mine) to date me. I never thought that was the case, but years later David told me that he did break up with her to date me. Anyway, we dated until my freshman year in college when I broke up with him in December 2006. We almost dated for 4 years so as you can imagine, it was a long relationship filled with plenty of ups and downs. After we broke up we remained good friends who still cared for one another and it felt weird for both of us when we wouldn't speak or hang out a lot. Life went on and I was there for him through some trying times and he was definitely there for me when I was going crazy from my most recent failed relationship. All in all, I thought we were going to be friends forever. I was wrong.

Without going into the whole story, which could take you hours and hours to read and for me to type out, David can be a really sucky friend. The two instances I have in mind are these:
1. He started talking to this girl named Brenna (who is the spitting image of me...no, seriously). One day I was really sick and had to go to the doctor and we had lunch plans. I let him know that I might be a little late for lunch because the doctor was being slow. Anyway, once I got out of there and I let David know we could head to lunch he opted to go hang out with Brenna. Obviously this broke my heart and since I wasn't feeling well already I just got really emotional. This was our first huge fight over something like this.
2. After Brenna didn't work out David starting talking to a girl at his school named Lucy (which is oddly my roommate/bff's name). This girl is 19, 18 when he started talking to her, and he is 24. For obvious reasons her parents don't like the idea of them dating, and besides that, she already has a boyfriend! David and Lucy like to hook up behind her current boyfriend's back and she's always saying to David "Oh, I'm going to break up with him soon, I promise. I can't lose you," etc. You know, the usual crap.

So now that you have an idea of what's going on, I'll finally get around to writing the post I've got in my head. Doesn't the situation with Lucy sound so familiar? We see it in movies and television shows all the time. The naive mistress continues to sleep with the married man, hoping that some day he will leave his wife. She keeps hanging on until finally the man kicks her to the curb and tells her that he will never leave his wife, especially not for her. In this situation it's reversed, of course. I think David and Lucy have been talking for quite a bit now (I'll guess since February, but it could be longer). Ever since then she's been saying "Oh, I'm going to break up with Michael. I want to be with you, I don't want to marry him," etc. Well has she gotten around to doing it? You guessed it: NO! In the meantime she has been getting really jealous of the friendship that David and I share. Apparently she felt as though I still wanted David and that I'm really attracted to him. I can honestly say with fervor that none of those things are true. On many occasions I tried to tell her that I am still in the process of healing from my break up with Chris and I definitely DO NOT want to date David EVER AGAIN. Why can't exes be friends? I think it's nice if that works for you and there shouldn't be any animosity from the new girlfriend/boyfriend. And, if there is, they're not worth it anyway. Especially since that's the first sign that there's no trust in the relationship which means that ultimately it will fail. This is one big reason why things between David and Brenna didn't work out. She didn't like me because David kept showing her the negative side of me (which I'm sure he beefed up quite a bit) and so that caused a lot of tension. Miraculously, David grew some balls and told her that if she didn't like me then they couldn't date because we were good friends and it was always going to be that way. That situation is definitely nowhere close to the current one.

A few weeks ago David and I got in a fight about Lucy and now we don't speak. Apparently within a week's time "we've drifted apart" and "our friendship doesn't mean anything to [him] anymore." That's fine with me because I'm sick of the ups and downs of being a "friend" to him. I say "friend" because I'm only that close when it's convenient. Since he's all hot and bothered for Lucy I can't be in the way and so therefore, our friendship is conveniently over for him. I'm sick of that crap so I'm dealing with it, and seriously I don't feel any pain over losing him as a friend. That's so strange for me to say because usually I'd be all to pieces over something like that. I guess I have finally realized that I don't need people like that in my life and I can move on and be happy. It's such a relief to not have to worry about things going wrong or when the next time I'll be ditched in favor of an immature, cheating sophomore.

A final point I'd like to add is that if she hasn't broken up with him, she's never going to. She apparently ended their relationship a few weekends ago but then immediately got back together with him because she felt like she "made a huge mistake." Okay, if David hasn't picked up on the clues yet, that's a major one. If she feels that way about being with Michael then I'm sorry, it's not going to change. She wants the best of both worlds: a boyfriend when she's at school and a boyfriend who she's really comfortable with when she's at home. Real life isn't like that honey. You have to choose because you can't play the field forever. If you continue to go through life participating in this stupid game you are going to lose, trust me. I've seen much more in life than you have and I can tell you these things are certain. You are setting yourself up for failure and hurting not only yourself but your current boyfriend and David. Is all this really worth it? Last night I texted David and asked if he had moved on yet. He said no and that he wasn't going to because he didn't want to. I said that was stupid because it's obvious at this point that she's never going to seriously date him. A few hours later I got a text saying "Lucy says bite me," to which I replied "Whatever." I'm a senior in college, going to graduate in May, and I'm busy doing homework and looking for a job. I really don't have time for immature BS like these two are pulling. So on that final note, let me just say that I'm glad to be out of the situation for good. People in college, especially David (at his age) should not act like that. But perhaps that's why they're perfect for each other in that really dysfunctional way: they're both really immature.

I'm out. Hope you've enjoyed my latest rant. I'll try to keep them coming.
PEACE.

winds of change

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
-Bob Dylan

I really like the song who's lyrics I posted above. It's called "To Make You Feel My Love" and it's been covered a lot (Garth Brooks, Adele). Anyway I was just thinking that I'm starting to change the way I think about things. I can sit back and regret what I've done in the past or I can change the way I do them in the future. I'd like to think (as I've said before) that I have no regrets, but that would be a lie. I do regret things...A LOT. However, I want to change that. I want to be able to live my life minus regrets from now on because the past is the past and the future is only what we make of it. I am in a bad place right now, but I can start to see the tiny glimmer of hope that's going to get me out of it. That hope is how I experience new relationships in the future. I know what I've done wrong in the past and I understand my mistakes, so in order to have better experiences in the future I know what I have to change and what can remain the same. I may not be able to make amends for wrongs committed previously but I can try and prevent them from happening again. All I really want is to be happy, first alone and with myself, and later with someone who can make my wildest dreams come true. I want someone to care about me and treat me well, but also realize that I'm not perfect and embrace my flaws, and in return I will do the same. Love is a powerful thing, but before you can truly love someone else you have to love yourself first. I am working on that. It's been a long time since I've been hopeful like this and can actually see myself moving forward instead of being stuck in a rut. I like this feeling. Here's to the change developing in me. I hope as time goes by things only get better...

sleepless in high point

Sorry for the ridiculously cliche title but it was necessary (haha). This is the first time I've written in so long because I haven't really had anything to say. I've been going through some really difficult times lately and I just haven't felt like blogging I guess. Have you ever been completely unable to sleep, even though you are really tired? Welcome to the way I've been coping for about a week now. I'm so sleepy and when I go to bed I can't get comfortable. I roll around all night long and finally end up sleeping okay just a few hours before I have to wake up for work. I have no idea what's causing this, but a good guess would be some anxiety, either subconscious or staring me right in the face. Up until yesterday I would say that it was subconscious for the most part. Once again I'm going through a hard time with Chris. I want so desperately to be friends with him but at the same time I can't find a way to let go/move on. No amount of medication or therapy or grieving is going to help me. I have to decide what to do for myself and when to do it and then actually carry through with it. I've already starting slipping. Yesterday I made the decision that we needed time apart. I feel myself starting to say "Oh, well I was just angry." I know I should be happy that I've done something good for myself but instead all I'm getting is the most intense explosion of anxiety I've ever experienced in my life. Thankfully I go back to my family doctor on Thursday and he will probably up my dosage of the anti-anxiety medicine. Hopefully then I'll get some relief. Until then, I am sleeplessly yours.