sleepless in high point

Sorry for the ridiculously cliche title but it was necessary (haha). This is the first time I've written in so long because I haven't really had anything to say. I've been going through some really difficult times lately and I just haven't felt like blogging I guess. Have you ever been completely unable to sleep, even though you are really tired? Welcome to the way I've been coping for about a week now. I'm so sleepy and when I go to bed I can't get comfortable. I roll around all night long and finally end up sleeping okay just a few hours before I have to wake up for work. I have no idea what's causing this, but a good guess would be some anxiety, either subconscious or staring me right in the face. Up until yesterday I would say that it was subconscious for the most part. Once again I'm going through a hard time with Chris. I want so desperately to be friends with him but at the same time I can't find a way to let go/move on. No amount of medication or therapy or grieving is going to help me. I have to decide what to do for myself and when to do it and then actually carry through with it. I've already starting slipping. Yesterday I made the decision that we needed time apart. I feel myself starting to say "Oh, well I was just angry." I know I should be happy that I've done something good for myself but instead all I'm getting is the most intense explosion of anxiety I've ever experienced in my life. Thankfully I go back to my family doctor on Thursday and he will probably up my dosage of the anti-anxiety medicine. Hopefully then I'll get some relief. Until then, I am sleeplessly yours.

recovery room

I haven't posted in quite some time! My lack of blogging and other internet activities such as getting on Facebook or checking email is due to my gallbladder surgery. I did that last Thursday, May 28. I'm finally starting to feel better. Let me tell you, this surgery was not very difficult but it was no piece of cake either. It took place at 7:30 AM so I was glad I didn't have to wait all day and risk getting really nervous about it. I was in the recovery room by 8:45 AM. I got lots of pain medication and the anesthesia was killer. The one thing that was the hardest to get over other than the anesthesia was the gas they use to blow up your abdomen. They have to do that so they can see inside to remove the gallbladder. It's a laproscopic procedure, meaning that the doctor uses a tiny camera to see inside and remove the gallbladder. Fun stuff. So the gas is really hard to get over because you can't pass it. The tissues in your body have to reabsorb it, and in order to do that you have to get up and move around. I wasn't able to do that until about 6:30 PM the day of my surgery. After I got over the gas I was okay. The only one of my four small incisions that hurt or gave me any problems at all was the 1/2 inch one above my belly button. It looks the nastiest, it's the biggest, and that's the one my gallbladder was removed through. Aside from the incision stinging, there was a lingering pain in my right side where my gallbladder was missing and in my right shoulder. Apparently the air supply to the shoulder is along the same line as the diaphram and that gets all messed up when they do this specific operation. So my shoulder has been killing me and the pain in my side isn't great either. However, today is the first day I haven't woken up absolutely unable to move without crying out. I go back to work on Monday and I'm a little nervous, but ready. I don't know how my dad has managed to sit around the house for 7 months due to his foot. I'm already bored and I've only been here a week! I just thought I'd update on my surgery and say I'm doing okay. I have to finish getting ready. We're going to Sam's Club to get stuff for my brother's graduation cookout this weekend.
Until next time...

horizontal

...or vertical.
Those are the only two positions that I'm comfortable in right now. I absolutely cannot sit down for a long period of time (more than a few minutes). I almost started crying while I was driving home for lunch because I was in so much pain. I rescheduled my consultation with the surgeon to next Tuesday with a different person, someone my family has worked with in the past and not some no-name doctor no one has heard of before. Somehow next Tuesday seems like a really long time away. I don't have any pain medication, but I had some Vicodin left over from when I had my gum surgery and I took one of those last night. It DID NOT help. If that gives you any indication of what kind of pain I'm in right now, you understand how much this sucks. If Vicodin can't fix it, what can?
So what I want to know is what exactly qualifies as an "emergency"? I would LOVE to get this thing taken care of ASAP and not have to wait so long. Tuesday's only the consultation, not even the surgery. I just hope someone has mercy on me and either gives me some really awesome pain medication or that my surgery will be next Wednesday. The only thing that sucks is that Chris's birthday is next Saturday and I would love to be able to enjoy that with him, but I can't do that if I'm in the hospital or still recovering from surgery. Oh well, I will just have to cross that bridge when I get to it. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Until next time...

gallstones

I had my ultrasound this morning and it turns out that I have gallstones. This means that I will have to have my gallbladder removed. I have a consultation with the surgeon next Thursday and then I'll schedule the surgery. Ultrasounds are really weird, by the way. I had always heard that the gel was cold, but the stuff used on me was warm. It was also kind of tingly. The little sensor thing that they move around on you is hard and uncomfortable, especially when it pushes on the thing that hurts (that would be my right side). Also you have to hold your breath for a few seconds which isn't really fun either because it's difficult to hold your breath while they're pushing on you. Overall it's a relatively painless procedure, but it's definitely strange. The sound the sensor makes feels really funny too. It kind of vibrates inside your body. I wonder what it's like to get one while pregnant? I suppose I'll find out in a few years. So for now I'm waiting and the pain in my side is dying down a little but not enough for me to be comfortable. I've found it's worse while I'm sitting. Well, I'm off to eat some (non-fattening) dinner and head out to the gym.
Until next time...

a pain in my side

This isn't a metaphor for something annoying, it's the real deal. Since 3AM I've had a sharp pain beneath my rib cage on my right side. You know what that means? Gallbladder issues. Fun stuff. Let me start with a little history. Last summer I would wake up in the middle of the night with really bad heartburn that made me feel like I was having a heart attack. After the pain in my chest would subside, an extremely painful stomach ache would follow, keeping me awake longer. There is no comfortable position to be in with this kind of stomach ache. You can't sit down, stand up, lay down, or do any combination of these positions because nothing helps. Eventually the cocktail of OTC medications (and sometimes one of my mom's prescription pills) would kick in and save me, letting me sleep. The pain ALWAYS went away within a few hours. In October though, I had one of these attacks at school. The heartburn was unbearable, but it finally passed, leaving me with a stomach ache that lasted all day. I couldn't go to class and I just slept until 3 in the afternoon when I finally felt okay. I was extremely nauseous and couldn't really move. I just laid down and tried to sleep. Since then I hadn't had an attack until last weekend. The heartburn was extremely bad as usual, but for some reason the pain lingered in my stomach. When it finally went away I felt strange for the rest of the day. These experiences culminated yesterday (Saturday) at about 7:30 PM. Chris and I went to enjoy a dinner at Rockola in Greensboro. After my extremely fattening dinner I noticed my stomach felt strange, but I just put it off as gas. It didn't go away and when I got home I took two Gas-X to relieve the pain and went to bed. At around 3 AM I wake up with the same dull but terrible aching in my stomach, this time the heartburn did not accompany the stomach pain. The more I moved, the worse it got. I took a ton of medicine and an hour later it still hadn't improved so I took some more. I was in and out of a sleeping state because I was in so much pain. I wriggled around on the bed and moaned because I couldn't do anything else. I told my mom and she said I needed to go to the emergency room. I called Chris and he came over to take me, but when we got there it was packed. The pain in my side had not gone away so I went to an urgent care center. I knew something was up with my gallbladder because my mom and aunt both had the same problems previously. I told the doctor my symptoms and he drew blood to check for an infection. No infection, but I have to get an ultrasound on my gallbladder in the morning. Until then I'm on an anti-inflammatory and something for the intense nausea I have. The pain in my side still persists, and it comes in waves of being really sharp and painful to dulling down. I have never had pain last this long in this area, and medicine has always worked up until today. The prescriptions I'm on make me extremely drowsy so I keep fighting to stay awake to type. I will probably have to have surgery to remove my gallbladder immediately so please pray for me. I've never had a procedure done like this before. The only surgery I've ever had was back in October on my gums so I'm really nervous. I can't even go to work in the morning since I'm having that ultrasound. We shall see, and I will definitely keep you guys posted. Please pray that things work out in the best way possible and that I can actually get some pain-free sleep tonight.