hindsight

Have you ever wished that you could know how exactly things will pan out for you in the future? Sometimes I can't help but to wish I knew what was in store for me.
Take this example:
I allowed myself to become so close to someone that I couldn't imagine life without him. Things got bad, so I took a step back and a few deep breaths and started to restructure my thinking. Today, the end came. My little diorama of happiness was smashed, and my world opened up to a new life that I didn't want to accept. I've been here before, and let me tell you, it's the worst feeling in the world. Loneliness is oppressive, like a wet blanket. Sure, I have friends and family who still care about me, but it's not the same. It isn't like being in love. Relationships come and go, but the ones that truly hurt are those in which a future is possible. I've never loved someone so much, with the entirety of my body and soul, like I loved him. Never. I really thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and that's why my heart can't stop breaking. It seems like the shards of pain are endless. I tried so hard, yet I blame myself for not letting it work. Why did I have to say those things? Why did I do what I did in that situation? If I knew that the end was coming, would I have acted differently? It's all in hindsight, which is definitely 20/20. But I still want to put all of the blame on myself for some reason, even though I know it isn't all my fault. Like I said, it's really different when you think you've found your soul mate.
I'm in a daze and I can't step out. It's destructive for me to be left alone with my thoughts. It seems that everyone else is happy and I'm in a bubble, watching them, shut off from the rest of the world. I'm forced to watch people smile, laugh, hold hands, kiss, say "I love you," and snuggle up together. All I have left is darkness. A void. An endless emptiness that can't be filled.
I know I'll get over it eventually, but it's just so hard. I have to readjust to living life alone. He's not here to hold my hand in the car and pet my hair, or to tell me cute things and give me one of those tight hugs I miss so dearly. Tears are stinging my already sore eyes, yet they won't stop coming. I'm going to look a mess tomorrow, but for once I don't care. I don't care what comes next if he's not here with me. I miss him. I love him. I need him. But he's not mine anymore.
So, does God sit in Heaven in front of his big planner and write "Break Up" on a certain day? Does He sit back and watch people suffer? I've always felt that He had a calendar on which He planned events in peoples' lives. He knew this was coming, and He didn't warn me. No use in being angry with God...He didn't cause this. It's just that sometimes I really wish that I could know everything, but how boring life would be if that were the case. I try to have no regrets, but I'm filled with so many right now.
Will I ever love so deeply again?
Only time will tell.