Lately I have been quite dissatisfied with my post-grad life. I never imagined that life after college would be so difficult. I also realize that waiting to go to graduate school was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. Why? Because I feel like I'm wasting time. I couldn't wait to get out of school and take a break to decide what I want to do with my life. Now I realize that I had it pretty good while I was in school. Life was much simpler.

Here's what is wrong:
I am having money issues.

I recently got two loan statements declaring that my grace period has ended and informing me of my payment schedule. All together my loans are almost $300 per month. In March I will have to start paying on another school loan and that payment will be $40 per month. I need to apply for income-based repayment so I'll have some money in my pocket and it won't all be going to keeping my credit score high. I need a new car! With those payments I won't be able to afford a new one for the next ten years.

Tonight I gathered a bunch of information for applying to law school. The total fees I will incur during that process come to just short of $500. I need to accrue that money by February 15. Along with that, I need to find two people willing to write some outstanding letters of recommendation for me. I also need to somewhat prepare for the LSAT. I know that I absolutely cannot wait another year to go back to school. I need to start a career and ASAP! I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck already.

My job is another thing that I'm having issues with. I love the company I work for and the people I work with. However, I dread going to work most days because call center work is just not for me. I enjoy doing customer service, but talking on the phone all day wears me down. I always have a huge headache at the end of the day and my ears feel numb and sore from the headset I have to wear. If I could do something other than take phone calls all day I'd be happy. For now though, I just have to deal with it. I will probably start applying for other jobs soon, though. I just hate to think I'll be back in the job hunting process because it is so tiring and frustrating, but it must be done.

In happier news, my anniversary with Daniel is on Wednesday. I can't believe it's been a year already. I've never been happier. I know things have been rocky at times but we always move past the difficulties and at the end of the day we know we love each other. I recently came to the conclusion that he makes me feel normal. This is the closest to normal that I've felt in a VERY long time. And on that note, I will conclude this entry.

let me go

Lately I haven't been able to sleep. This is a problem I had last summer and up until the fall of last year when I started taking medication for it. Seeing as I'm uninsured I can't continue to take my Lunesta and therefore I'm hurting. Things were good for awhile, but now that I'm completely unsure about my work situation I'm stressed and anxious and broke. That's probably why I can't sleep. But also, a certain someone who I've mentioned here before keeps coming back into my dreams. These dreams jar me awake and I can't get back to a restful state. I wake up almost every hour. Why do you have to bother me so much? Why can't I just let YOU go? Or maybe it's you who can't let ME go. I don't know. Either way, I really need to find some peace or I will be running on empty again and I hate that feeling.

In other news, I had a job interview in Chapel Hill yesterday with Harrington Bank. I have a lot of experience relative to that position so I'm crossing my fingers, eyes, and toes in hopes of getting it. If I do I will be moving back to Chapel Hill and getting an apartment with Daniel and Grumpy (my miniature dachshund who I've left out of this blog). I can't wait to start my life but I'm scared of what the future holds because of financial reasons. I don't know why I can't seem to save a dime but I've got to get better about keeping track of my earnings. Hopefully I will learn how to better manage my money and start saving for law school expenses. Just something to ponder.

Until next time...

I'm back

So I haven't written in quite some time. Life seems to catch up to you in that way. Right now I'm relaxing a little before I eat breakfast and head to work. Yep, that's right, work! I am officially a college graduate and have a job, which is hard to come by these days. Luckily my summer internship has been very good to me and I will hopefully become a permanent member of the High Point Bank staff soon.
I guess that's enough for catching up so I will go on to mention something that has been bothering me lately.
Around March I started having these dreams where a certain someone would always be in the same area I was. This someone and I do not get along and seeing them around me has caused me anxiety for the last few months. Anyway, seeing them in my dream was not a good thing because we would always get into fights and then I would proceed to beat the crap out of him/her/it. People who know me know that I'm not a violent person at all so the thought of having a physical confrontation with someone who used to be close to me is really disturbing. A few nights ago I had another dream where this person invaded and people were comparing us. Of course this dream did not go well either. I don't know what to do. Is this underlying anxiety about a lost friend? Probably. I would feel a whole lot better if I could stop dreaming about them. The sad part is, consciously I'm not aware of my anxieties but apparently my subconscious is still reeling because these dreams don't come out of nowhere. It's just so sad that things have to happen this way, but usually they're for the better. I just wish my mind would stop haunting me!
Time's up now so I have to finish getting ready to go to work. I will try to be better about writing. I've missed this.

bus drivers

Sometimes I think I project my anxieties onto others. I have been thinking about this recently because due to my move I've been having to spend a lot of time on buses. I wonder how the bus driver feels when people get on the bus and don't acknowledge his existence. He is giving them a free ride to their destination, so why not say hello, good morning, or thank you upon exiting? The thing that bothers me most is when I'm in a hurry and people keep pressing the tape to request a stop. I'd get so annoyed if I had to drive the bus and listen to that little ding followed by an overly happy female voice announcing "Stop Requested." I guess you could get used to it and not really care, but sometimes when I'm on the bus for a particularly long ride it feels like my chest gets tighter with every ding. I wonder if that's how the bus driver feels. I just have a problem with driving in general. Anytime someone tailgates me for five minutes, then speeds past me I feel really nervous/anxious. I wonder why they can't just go around. If I had to drive a huge bus full of noisy, rude students on their cell phones all day I'd probably go nuts (even more so than I already am). So I guess this is a huge thank you to all bus drivers. It's a job I know I definitely couldn't do and I'm glad that someone out there can. It'd be a tough thing for me since apparently just riding on the bus causes me stress.