wife

I think it's part of most every little girl's childhood dream to get married one day. I remember playing dress up with white sheets and old lace curtains, pretending I was a bride. I would put those cheap aluminum rings from the dentist office's toy chest on my finger and get married to my "waffle-y" wedded husband in front of my dolls and teddy bears. Now that the time is coming for me to actually get married, I have huge dreams and aspirations for that day. I have everything set up perfectly in my mind. The only thing that's missing is the husband, and right now there's not really a potential candidate.

In March 2008 I began dating someone who restored my faith in the male sex. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship a little over a year before I started dating Chris. During the year I spent single, my view of men was extremely distorted. I felt like there wasn't a man on earth who could love a woman so fully and only have eyes for her. Something in the male genes just would not let them stay completely faithful to their girlfriend or wife. Society precipitated this perspective for me and I just lost hope completely. Needless to say, when Chris came along, I had a pretty grim outlook on how a relationship would turn out.

Thankfully, he was a breath of fresh air. He wouldn't go behind my back. He was a sensitive, loving, respectful, caring gentleman who opened doors for me, pulled out my chair, helped me into and out of his car, and won the trust and respect of my parents. Early on in our relationship I donned a pair of rose colored glasses that would change my mind on not only men, but the world of love and relationships. Finally, a person came along who could make me happy and treat me well. I was ecstatic.

I won't go into detail here, but our relationship has pretty much deteriorated. I'm not the same person I was almost a year ago. Granted, some of the changes are good, but I've become a person who I can't recognize. That may sound a little cliche, but really, I don't know this person who I've become and it scares me. In the past I never would have taken so much for one person. I've come to know what love really is. It's a sacrifice. It's a compromise. I've learned lessons and matured farther than I ever thought was possible. But on the down side, I've lost who Sarah really is. Sarah is a person who speaks her mind, isn't afraid of what others think, and isn't reduced to tears by stupidity in a heated moment. I've never had a problem with getting something off of my chest before, but now I feel as though Chris gets upset if I'm upset, and usually the situation gets turned back on me. He refuses to accept the blame ever, and I'm always putting it on myself, which is something else I would never have done in the past. I used to be proud, not able to admit when I was wrong, and would never take the blame for anything whatsoever. Writing this, I recognize Chris's immaturity. Those are characteristics of the old me, the one who refused to see herself as anything but right all the time. I can't marry someone like that.

Another thing, what is a wife supposed to be? There are many different definitions of a wife...someone who cleans, cooks, loves, and is seen but not heard. I don't like that one. The one I prefer is someone who loves and is loved, speaks her mind freely, gives and receives equally, and isn't afraid to live how she feels she is supposed to live. Wake up men! This is NOT the 1950s anymore, and I absolutely refuse to be June Cleaver. I WILL NOT spend my days cleaning toilets, dusting the mantle, caring for children, and having dinner on the table for your commanding ass when you walk in the door at 6 in the evening. In this day and age, husbands and wives are supposed to be equals. That's what I want for myself. I want my husband to treat me as his equal, and I will afford him the same respect. I will not let him be superior to me in any way, shape, or form. I'm tired of being under a man (or boy)'s thumb and in a few weeks I'll find the courage to lift myself out from under it.

Until then...
My silent revolution continues.