can't sleep

Can you dehydrate from crying?
I thought if I apologized then everything would work out.
I've had a lot on my mind for the past 3 hours, making for a very rough night. I can't think of anything else but him. Will he ever get out of my mind? It's not looking good. I shouldn't be awake, typing a blog at this hour on a Sunday morning. It isn't right.
We had a good hour-long phone conversation about 30 minutes ago. He's so sweet and caring and understanding, but he just wants to be friends. Is that possible? Will I ever get over this? All I can think about is what comes next? Where will this go? Will I be this miserable forever? Prozac is starting to look awesome right about now. Perhaps I'll see about a prescription.
I know the night is darkest before the dawn...
Now the question is, will the dawn ever come?

hindsight

Have you ever wished that you could know how exactly things will pan out for you in the future? Sometimes I can't help but to wish I knew what was in store for me.
Take this example:
I allowed myself to become so close to someone that I couldn't imagine life without him. Things got bad, so I took a step back and a few deep breaths and started to restructure my thinking. Today, the end came. My little diorama of happiness was smashed, and my world opened up to a new life that I didn't want to accept. I've been here before, and let me tell you, it's the worst feeling in the world. Loneliness is oppressive, like a wet blanket. Sure, I have friends and family who still care about me, but it's not the same. It isn't like being in love. Relationships come and go, but the ones that truly hurt are those in which a future is possible. I've never loved someone so much, with the entirety of my body and soul, like I loved him. Never. I really thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and that's why my heart can't stop breaking. It seems like the shards of pain are endless. I tried so hard, yet I blame myself for not letting it work. Why did I have to say those things? Why did I do what I did in that situation? If I knew that the end was coming, would I have acted differently? It's all in hindsight, which is definitely 20/20. But I still want to put all of the blame on myself for some reason, even though I know it isn't all my fault. Like I said, it's really different when you think you've found your soul mate.
I'm in a daze and I can't step out. It's destructive for me to be left alone with my thoughts. It seems that everyone else is happy and I'm in a bubble, watching them, shut off from the rest of the world. I'm forced to watch people smile, laugh, hold hands, kiss, say "I love you," and snuggle up together. All I have left is darkness. A void. An endless emptiness that can't be filled.
I know I'll get over it eventually, but it's just so hard. I have to readjust to living life alone. He's not here to hold my hand in the car and pet my hair, or to tell me cute things and give me one of those tight hugs I miss so dearly. Tears are stinging my already sore eyes, yet they won't stop coming. I'm going to look a mess tomorrow, but for once I don't care. I don't care what comes next if he's not here with me. I miss him. I love him. I need him. But he's not mine anymore.
So, does God sit in Heaven in front of his big planner and write "Break Up" on a certain day? Does He sit back and watch people suffer? I've always felt that He had a calendar on which He planned events in peoples' lives. He knew this was coming, and He didn't warn me. No use in being angry with God...He didn't cause this. It's just that sometimes I really wish that I could know everything, but how boring life would be if that were the case. I try to have no regrets, but I'm filled with so many right now.
Will I ever love so deeply again?
Only time will tell.

I'm back!

So it really has been a long time since I posted! I don't know how that happened. Not that much has been going on lately. Since I left school I've started working over my break, and that's what I'll be doing until I go back to school in January. I'm an intern for Argus Insurance (part of High Point Bank, where I work as a teller during the summer). I take over the switchboard sometimes, but this year I'm mainly scanning files. On Monday and Tuesday, I had to load up all of the customer files from the document vault and bring them into the insurance office. That was a lot of work, and I definitely got a work out from doing it, complete with sweaty hair. I really looked like I had been to the gym, which is not a nice picture. Any who, after I did all of that manual labor, I started to scan the files. I have to go through and pick out all of the pertinent information, then load it into a scanner someone referred to as a "dinosaur" and then upload it to the insurance program so the agents can see the applications, etc online. Then, it's off to the shred bin for the (sometimes) ancient files. It's a pretty chill job. I sit at my desk all day and do my stuff. No one bothers me, and I just get up and go when it's time for lunch or a break, or the end of the day. It's kind of boring at times because the scanner is so slow. On Monday I'm moving to a different desk so I'll have a high speed scanner, at least in the morning. In the afternoon I have no idea where I'll be sitting, so it really is up in the air right now. I hate having to readjust after being shuffled around, but I'm sure it won't be too bad.

I'm off to do my dad's Christmas shopping in a few hours, so wish me luck. Crowds are probably one of my least favorite things ever. I hope I don't get too flustered today.

why, hello there!

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I've been busy studying for exams, going to appointments, and generally chilling/wasting time on Neopets! Thankfully, exams are almost over. I only have two more, unless you count my weather journal and paper revision, then it's three. Oh well, not too much longer and I'll be back at home for a whole month!

I won't get to use the month for relaxing though. I'm working full time from December 15-January 9. I go home on December 12 and go back to class on January 12, so yeah...I won't really have a break but I need the money. I guess it's okay that I won't have a lot of time to rest, but at least I won't have to worry about going majorly broke. Always look for a positive, that's what I tell myself.

So I got my results from my blood work last week, and apparently my insulin is high. This could be due to polycystic ovarian syndrome, or it could be a problem with my thyroid. In any case, I have to go to an endocrinologist to have him analyze my labs and tell me how I'm going to be treated. I don't know when that appointment is, but I'll definitely post about it afterward.

Just thought I'd post a quick update. Now it's back to wasting time online! Tomorrow I will do my work, promise!

waiting...

I've never been a really patient person and waiting is something I absolutely hate. Whether it be in line at the grocery store or sitting on my couch until a friend arrives to pick me up, I absolutely detest it. I was eating dinner this weekend and the coaster under my cup said "Hurry up and wait." This describes my life when it comes to certain people who are in it. I'm constantly in a rush to get ready and look my best, or just to be on time. I pride myself in being an extremely timely person, and if I'm late it's usually not more than five minutes. This is why I hate being at the hands of others when it comes to arriving on time. I don't trust some people to get me where I need to be at the correct time, so if I have to rely on myself I'm much better at coordinating my plans. This is what I prefer. I guess you could call me a "Type A" person.

So you ask, where is this all coming from?
I'm still waiting on that call from my doctor about the blood work. This isn't an extremely pressing issue, but I'd still like to know what they found. The results are only a tiny bit of the inspiration for this blog, though.

Take this weekend, possibly the crappiest one I've had in awhile. I go through the same routine every time I'm home. I tell my boyfriend to be over at my house at a specific time, so I wake up about an hour before hand to get ready. It only takes me about 35-40 minutes to get showered, made up, coiffed, and dressed so I have about twenty minutes of wait time. He's usually really good about being on time but this weekend was a disaster. On Saturday he showed up forty five minutes late. On Sunday, he didn't show up at all. Needless to say, I was pretty pissed. As I've hinted at earlier in this entry, lateness is one of my biggest pet peeves. I used to give someone ten minutes of being late before I actually considered them to be late (I guess you could call this a "buffer period"), but after constant abuse of this generous system I decided to call it off. Both my ex and my current boyfriend have repeatedly decided that since they weren't technically late until ten minutes after the planned time that they wouldn't show up on time. Anyways, it makes the situation better if I get a call beforehand saying how late they are going to be. Chris is really bad about this now when he used to be very diligent about letting me know when he was going to arrive.

Griping aside, I just think it's rude to be late and not notify the person you are meeting up with. True, you may have all day to carouse around town but if we agree on a meeting time then please be there. I hate waiting. I hate being late myself and when I rush to be on time for someone else it's just common courtesy for them to show me the same respect by being on time or at least letting me know their ETA.

And by the way, my impatience has improved with time. I'm much more patient now than I was when I was younger...there used to be a time when I couldn't even sit still for more than five minutes and got extremely irritable when I couldn't do something RIGHT NOW!!!! ;)

Happy Waiting.

rise above this

I have always loved Seether's song "Rise Above This" because it has a really nice sound but at the same time it's got a great message. It's about overcoming obstacles in your life and remaining strong. Shaun Morgan (lead singer) dedicated it to his brother Eugene because he committed suicide as a result of depression. The whole video is really touching and sweet and at the end it has the Suicide Hotline number so people who are battling with this horrible pain can get some support.

I highly recommend the video, and the song is one of Seether's more alternative rock selections instead of the heavier things they've done in the past. Anyway, here's the link if you're interested:
Rise Above This Video

Seeing Seether perform this song live in Charlotte on October 6, 2008 was one of the greatest moments of my life. Now that I've had that experience under my belt, I'm able to appreciate the song a whole lot more. But today, it took a whole different meaning for me. I was driving back from my doctor's appointment and it came on the radio:

I'll mend myself before it gets me
I'm falling down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this

These lyrics really touched me seeing as today I found out that I might have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I knew this could be a possibility, but my previous doctor had never mentioned it. Thankfully, she left and I switched to another doctor who is way more proactive (not to mention caring and charismatic). He wanted to find the root of my problem, so he decided to do blood work and find out if I really do have PCOS. If I do, I'll have to be on a strict diet, birth control pills, and a diabetes medication. I'll lose about 2-4 pounds a month, but I'll be getting this disease under control.

Anyways back to the song. It really touched me because I felt like I connected with the lyrics. I'm not going to let this get to me. I'm going to get it under control. No, it's not as serious as cancer but it's still a problem that I have to deal with. It's me who's in control. I'm going to rise above my fear and not going to let this get to me. I was at a really low point today when I had to get the blood work done because for one, I'm scared of needles. I think the deeper issue was my worry about what was going on with my body and what I am going to have to do in the future. So anyway, I got to thinking and all I can think about is how I'm going to be okay and that it's something treatable. The doctor even assured me that I could get pregnant in the future (not something I'm even thinking about right now), and that took a huge weight off of my shoulders because I've always heard that women with PCOS either can't get pregnant or they have a lot of trouble conceiving. Either way, the doctor told me that I would be okay with this medication and I trust him, I'm in good hands.

To the DJ on 106.5, thank you so much for playing Rise Above This at the right time. I needed it much more than anyone could understand. It helped to pull me out of my melancholy and served as a reminder that I can do this, and in the end it's going to be okay.

domestication

Earlier I was washing my dishes and I was thinking about how domesticated I've become. I know it's pretty typical for women to have to learn how to keep up the house, but it makes me wonder why the guys out there don't have to do more things around the house. I know some guys know how to do the basics, such as dishes and sweeping, occasionally vacuuming too. But seriously, they have to live as bachelors or go to college at some point, so why do their mothers at an early age not urge them to learn chores? I'm talking about laundry, dusting, mopping, bathroom detail, etc. I learned how to do all of these things fairly early, and my brother had to help but he always got the easier tasks like taking out the garbage or sorting the recycling. Why? Because my mom felt as though he couldn't clean to her standards and that he "couldn't do it right." Eventually she taught him how to clean the bathroom or turn on the washer/dryer, but that wasn't until years after I had been doing these things pretty regularly. It's interesting how girls are expected to learn how to do these things but boys aren't until much later (if ever). I realize I'm making a huge generalization here but I'm just working off of experience. Are we in "Future Wives Training" from the first time we pick up a broom?

I don't mind doing domestic duties; in fact, I actually enjoy them when the mood strikes me. I know I'll never be one of those mothers who wears jeans and a T-shirt and constantly smells of spoiled milk, peanut butter, and diapers, but I'm looking forward to being able to take care of my house and my babies. I really want to keep a clean house and proper children. If I have a boy I might even train him how to do some of the "girl" chores around the house, but as much as I've complained about my brother not knowing how to do these things, I think my mom was partially right about him not being able to do it to her standards. For example, my current boyfriend tries so hard to wash the dishes to my standards but he is terribly slow at it. I'm glad he's trying but if I let him take charge we'd be at the sink for two hours (no lie). Maybe it's something in boys that makes them naturally better at mowing the lawn or taking the trash out, who knows? All I know is that it's nice to have some help around the house. Boys, take note! A girl loves a man who knows how to clean (or is at least willing to help).