Fifty Shades of Grey: A Book Review

(Note: This review contains *SPOILERS*! If you haven't read the books and are interested in reading them, you may want to read this review after you've finished the series)

Recently, I was sent the .pdf copies of the Fifty Shades series (Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed) by a co-worker. Almost all of the neighbors in my pod at work have been reading these mysterious books. I asked the co-worker who emailed the .pdfs to me what the book was about. She couldn't provide a plot, but told me there was "a lot of knocking boots" in the books. For some reason, she and the others who were reading the books just couldn't put them down. I left the email unopened for a few weeks, not really knowing if I had time to get into these books. My apprehension about taking the time to read them also came from this E-card I saw posted on Facebook:



But, last Thursday, I was out sick from work. I was bored and couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to start reading Fifty Shades of Grey. The book starts off with a scene featuring our main character, Anastasia Steele. She has big blue eyes (described as being almost too big for her face), unruly chestnut hair and is skinny. The first few pages of the book showed promise, as Anastasia, or Ana as she is referred by most characters, has to interview Mr. Christian Grey, the CEO of Grey Enterprises Holdings for her university's student newspaper. Ana's roommate, Katherine Kavanaugh (Kate) is the person who set up the interview with Mr. Grey, but is unfortunately sick with the flu, so she is sending Ana instead.

Our first glimpse of Christian Grey is stunning. He is described as young, tall and has a mop of gorgeous copper colored hair. During the interview, he is intriguing. He seems to be laughing at Ana for her lack of grace (she fell into his office) and preparedness for the interview (she had no time to do background research before meeting Mr. Grey). Frankly, he seems like a jerk, but I couldn't help picking up on some weird sexual tension vibe between the two characters, especially at the end of the interview when Christian walks Ana to the elevator and they briefly touch.

The sexual tension vibe continues for the first part of the book, until finally readers get some relief at our first erotic scene. Christian is a self-described "Dom" and looking for a new submissive, or "Sub." He wants Ana to be that sub, but she must sign a contract agreeing to let Christian have complete control of her life (he dictates what clothes she wears, when she visits the beauty salon, what she can eat and she must comply to do anything that he desires). Ana is not sure of this agreement, mainly because she has never had a boyfriend or a sexual relationship. In fact, she's a virgin. Upon hearing this, Christian is angry, but agrees to "make love" to Ana in order to train her for their future sexual endeavors (Note: Christian has already told Ana that he's not a "hearts and flowers" type and the following sexual encounter is hardly "making love").

It's after this first erotic scene that I started noticing the book's flaws. It's been two years since I graduated from UNC with a BA in English and minored in Creative Writing, and I still can't read a book purely for pleasure without scrutinizing it, or wishing I could edit it. I immediately realized that E.L. James likes to repeat the same phrases and words throughout the book (my brain is screaming at her to pick up a thesaurus!), which, in my opinion, shows a writer's weakness. However, I concede that this book is not supposed to be a classic work of fiction.  The .pdfs also contained a lot of typos, which may have been corrected in the printed books, but seeing as these files are a published book the typos should've been corrected before distribution.

Also, I feel as though the characters are flat. We seem to know just enough about Ana, and throughout the series we get to know a lot more about Christian. He is without a doubt the most fleshed-out character in the series. I just wish James had taken the time to round Ana out. We know Ana is obsessed with classic British novels, which feature flowery accounts of love and romance (think Pride &Prejudice), and that she has never been interested in dating anyone. I find it hard to believe that Ana would willingly give up hope of having a normal, loving relationship to enter into this sexual contract with Mr. Grey. Without any information behind her motive to do so, the whole premise of their impending relationship is compromised. I just don't buy into it. We need to know why Ana wants to do this with Mr. Grey-- it can't just be that she is enticed by the wicked unknown.

(Attention: Spoilers!)
As the series moves along, Ana and Christian do start a normal, "vanilla" relationship. Eventually they are married and have children. I'm glad James decided not to write more after Fifty Shades Freed because I look at this last book as closure (she's also a terrible writer...). Christian and Ana have been through A LOT of drama in their relationship, from Ana being completely overwhelmed by the punishment aspect of BDSM and leaving Christan, to helicopter sabotage, being stalked by a crazy ex-submissive, and kidnappings and attempted murder. By the end of Freed, it seems as though Christian has worked out all of his issues and that he and Ana have a complete, trusting, whole relationship where neither is worried that the other will just walk out. This is something that frustrated me throughout the series. Once Christian and Ana are together, Christian constantly worries that Ana will leave. I know why he is worried, but the unwavering reminder that he is insecure in this relationship bothers me. Ana also has her doubts. She wonders if Christian is satisfied with her sexually. She worries that she can't be all that he needs her to be because he used his BDSM lifestyle to cope with issues from his early childhood. I'm happy that she finally resolves these issues with him, because honestly she started to seem like a very insecure woman. That drove me nuts! Although I feel her character could be more fleshed-out, one thing we definitely do know about Ana is that she is strong. Her continual self-doubt about her relationship with Christian started to make her seem like a worried, self-conscious little girl and was highly irritating.

Another issue I have with these books is the interjection from Ana's "Sub-Conscious" and "Inner Goddess." These parts of Ana could be their own characters. Her Sub-Conscious helps instigate the nagging self-doubt that she is not good enough for Christian.  She also reminds Ana that she's a ho for accepting gifts and clothes from Christian when they are still trying to work out their Dom/Sub relationship(?).  I think "sugar baby" would be a more appropriate term than "whore" for this type of arrangement.

 Ana's Inner Goddess comes to life when there is the slightest prospect of indulging in sex with Christian, or when Ana does something self-affirming (like when she tells a woman to keep her hands off her husband). These sub-characters do provide a little bit of insight into Ana, but they are highly distracting (although a bit entertaining).  We can definitely do without both of them. If James reworked the novels, she could leave these characters out but still provide us with the effect they have (mainly giving us more insight into Ana's character).

Overall, the Fifty Shades novels are not exceptionally well-written; however, they are intriguing. Once I got over the less than spectacular technical aspects of these books, I did enjoy reading them. I finished the entire series by Monday night (so about 4.5 days to read all 3 books). I know this is supposed to be "erotic lit," but I liked getting to know Christian and Ana through the outings they had (especially their honeymoon) instead of through the erotic portions of these books (although those scenes were definitely hot). I do feel as though the plot needs to be hashed out more, because for most of Fifty Shades of Grey I didn't think the book had a point. It just seemed like sex scene after sex scene. I'm happy that as the series progressed we got to see more of Christian and Ana having a relationship outside of the bedroom, and the plot developed further with enticing drama and action scenes. I'm not sure if we'll be seeing a Fifty Shades movie, because it would most definitely need an X-rating.

If you want to skip the entire review, my opinion of Fifty Shades is summed up perfectly here:

hello again

I know, I know...it's been forever. I just feel the urge to write today.

I just did the most difficult thing that I've ever had to do up until this point in my life. My boyfriend Daniel just moved back to Connecticut and I took him home. It was a nice vacation (it was excellent to have my first "vacation" since I started working for RL back in September 2010), but I'm home now and really sad.

I don't know how to make the empty feeling go away. I know Daniel and I have had a long distance relationship for the past year now (he lived an hour away), but for some reason this feels extremely different. I have this overwhelming anxiety because I don't know when I will see him again. I have wisdom tooth extraction next month and hopefully he will be able to come for that, but it's a slim chance. If I don't see him in July I probably won't see him until January. That is forever away and it scares me. I know we are strong and we will make it through this but I really miss him already. I want to be able to see him two times a week on my days off, but it's really impossible to take a trip to Connecticut to do that. It's hitting me really hard that we are apart now.

The good thing is that this has given me an opportunity to accomplish something amazing. It may not seem like a huge deal, but I just drove almost 12 hours by myself. I left Connecticut at around 10:30 am and made it home at 8:50 pm. I drove across the Tappan Zee Bridge and didn't have a panic attack, pulled off the highway in Pennsylvania for gas and didn't get lost, and used a rest area without incident. I've never driven that far alone before and I feel so proud of myself for getting through it. Now I keep telling myself that all I have to do is make it through the months without seeing Daniel and I will be fine. We have plans for me to move up North, hopefully by this time next year. That seems like a lot of time but when I think about how much money I need to save I get a little freaked out and overwhelmed. Not to mention I have to make arrangements for my adorable babies (my dogs, Grumpy and Daisy). I can't leave them behind and it is nearly impossible to find an apartment or rental home in CT that accepts dogs. Why a place would allow cats but not dogs is a mystery to me. I'm not a cat fan in the first place, but honestly they have a tendency to "spray" all over the place (I guess this equates to marking their territory). Also, the indoor cats cause odor problems with the litter box if the owner doesn't clean it out regularly. Sure, dogs have accidents, but I'm a responsible mommy and make sure that all messes are cleaned immediately. I guess it's just too much of a risk to allow a dog and have an irresponsible owner let the place go to crap. It just stinks that it will be that much harder to find a place with Daniel.

Another thing I have anxiety about is leaving home. I love Daniel and I very much want to live with him, but 12 hours away from the place I've lived all my life is daunting. I have to leave my family and the few friends I have behind. Also, I've never been up north during the winter (and we rarely have any horrible snow in NC), so I have no idea how to drive in the snow/ice/whatever else. Also, I'm sure it's really cold up there from about late October to probably early March (again, I'm not sure). I love cold weather and would welcome a change from sweltering, humid summers, but am I really ready for below 0 temps? Probably not. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes.

If anyone has any suggestions about how to survive a long distance relationship, please comment. I need all the help I can get! I have to admit that I don't feel as horrible now as I did when I was trying to prepare myself for this day; but at the same time I still feel really empty inside. I'm hoping that this feeling will fade with time, and hopefully I'm blessed with a short waiting time for beginning my life with Daniel. We both know we want to work towards marriage but it just seems so out of reach at the moment. I hope this will get better!!!

I've rambled on enough, so I will end now. Hopefully I'll get around to writing here more often (I feel like I say that every time I sporadically come here), but we shall see. On a side note, I'm REALLY happy to have tomorrow off. Sundays are made for lying around the house, not working! :) Until next time everyone...

Lately I have been quite dissatisfied with my post-grad life. I never imagined that life after college would be so difficult. I also realize that waiting to go to graduate school was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. Why? Because I feel like I'm wasting time. I couldn't wait to get out of school and take a break to decide what I want to do with my life. Now I realize that I had it pretty good while I was in school. Life was much simpler.

Here's what is wrong:
I am having money issues.

I recently got two loan statements declaring that my grace period has ended and informing me of my payment schedule. All together my loans are almost $300 per month. In March I will have to start paying on another school loan and that payment will be $40 per month. I need to apply for income-based repayment so I'll have some money in my pocket and it won't all be going to keeping my credit score high. I need a new car! With those payments I won't be able to afford a new one for the next ten years.

Tonight I gathered a bunch of information for applying to law school. The total fees I will incur during that process come to just short of $500. I need to accrue that money by February 15. Along with that, I need to find two people willing to write some outstanding letters of recommendation for me. I also need to somewhat prepare for the LSAT. I know that I absolutely cannot wait another year to go back to school. I need to start a career and ASAP! I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck already.

My job is another thing that I'm having issues with. I love the company I work for and the people I work with. However, I dread going to work most days because call center work is just not for me. I enjoy doing customer service, but talking on the phone all day wears me down. I always have a huge headache at the end of the day and my ears feel numb and sore from the headset I have to wear. If I could do something other than take phone calls all day I'd be happy. For now though, I just have to deal with it. I will probably start applying for other jobs soon, though. I just hate to think I'll be back in the job hunting process because it is so tiring and frustrating, but it must be done.

In happier news, my anniversary with Daniel is on Wednesday. I can't believe it's been a year already. I've never been happier. I know things have been rocky at times but we always move past the difficulties and at the end of the day we know we love each other. I recently came to the conclusion that he makes me feel normal. This is the closest to normal that I've felt in a VERY long time. And on that note, I will conclude this entry.

as the end draws near...

Maybe I'm just overreacting, which wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me, but I feel like my relationship is coming to an end.

The truth is, I'm tired. I'm really, really tired of everything. The fights, the early morning/late night calls when he knows I have to go to work the next morning, the constant disrespect and disregard for my culture, family, geographical location, etc. I love him to death, but how far can I go on if I'm truly tired?

This is the first time I've seen an end coming and I know what I need to do. A break may work, but then again a permanent break will probably be better. The thing about this ending is that it's a sad one. In the past my relationships have ended on a harsher, angrier note. There was resentment and name-calling and a number of other ugly things. This one is different. I still have the same feelings for him as I did when we first met. I can't help him anymore because he simply won't let me. He says I don't know him, but how can I know him if he won't let me in?

I think Facebook should have an "In a Failing Relationship" option. We already let our business be known all over the internet so why not reveal the true status of our most private moments? So unless this is fixed (and it definitely takes two WILLING individuals to do so), I may have to change mine to "Single" soon.

That's all for now...

without further ado...

I'd like to introduce

GRUMPY!

I know I've mentioned him here once or twice but never devoted an entry just to him. As most of you know, I've wanted a miniature dachshund for years. I finally had my dream come true on May 2 of this year. My parents got Grumpy for me as a graduation gift. I adopted him from Doxie Acre Dachshund Rescue out of Germanton, NC, and I couldn't be happier.

This little dog is the light of my life. He only weighs 11 pounds, but he brings ten times that much love to me everyday. At first I wasn't sure that we would bond because he seemed to love my brother a lot. The first day I had him he was just becoming used to his new environment, so he cried and whined for his foster dad to come back. Grumpy was sad for a few hours, but soon found solace in my brother's arms. Unfortunately I had to go back to school that night for a final exam the next morning, so Grumpy and Thomas bonded while I was gone. Later the next day, mom called me and told me that I better come home or I wasn't going to have a dog! I rushed home and held and played with Grumpy until eventually we were inseparable. The hard part came just two days later when I had to go back to school to turn in my last final and clean up my apartment, oh yeah, and GRADUATE! So even though the day I'd been waiting for since 2006 was finally upon me, all I could think about was my little Grumpster, who was sitting at home missing me. On May 9, after a special graduation, all I could think about was getting home to my little doggie. I'm so glad that we bonded so well. He follows me around the house constantly and sits on a chair by the window watching for me to get home. I love Grumpy so much and I can't imagine a better dog. He's very playful but also shy around other people at first. He loves to roll on his back and have his belly rubbed and snuggle in piles of blankets and pillows on the days we change sheets. This little dog honestly makes me feel a love I've never felt before and I'm just so happy to have him in my life! He's the perfect companion for me, so waiting so long to get him was well worth it.

let me go

Lately I haven't been able to sleep. This is a problem I had last summer and up until the fall of last year when I started taking medication for it. Seeing as I'm uninsured I can't continue to take my Lunesta and therefore I'm hurting. Things were good for awhile, but now that I'm completely unsure about my work situation I'm stressed and anxious and broke. That's probably why I can't sleep. But also, a certain someone who I've mentioned here before keeps coming back into my dreams. These dreams jar me awake and I can't get back to a restful state. I wake up almost every hour. Why do you have to bother me so much? Why can't I just let YOU go? Or maybe it's you who can't let ME go. I don't know. Either way, I really need to find some peace or I will be running on empty again and I hate that feeling.

In other news, I had a job interview in Chapel Hill yesterday with Harrington Bank. I have a lot of experience relative to that position so I'm crossing my fingers, eyes, and toes in hopes of getting it. If I do I will be moving back to Chapel Hill and getting an apartment with Daniel and Grumpy (my miniature dachshund who I've left out of this blog). I can't wait to start my life but I'm scared of what the future holds because of financial reasons. I don't know why I can't seem to save a dime but I've got to get better about keeping track of my earnings. Hopefully I will learn how to better manage my money and start saving for law school expenses. Just something to ponder.

Until next time...

feeling low

I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything, watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
-Linkin Park, "By Myself"

So today has been one hectic day for my emotions. The verse above definitely describes how I feel right now, right down to the very core of my being. I know I can't help all the things that have gone wrong but they still bother me. First thing's first: my job. I've worked this summer job for four summers now and I thought I was going to get on the permanent staff since there were openings. I found out yesterday that I won't be allowed to join High Point Bank, a place where I love to work, due to a conflict of interest involving my mother's position with the bank. Honestly, I expected this so it didn't come as much of a shock. It could have been a lot worse. However, at the same time I was in the process of getting an apartment and starting to finally live the life I've wanted to live for a long time. I want to be independent and live on my own outside of my parents' house. This is a basic want felt by most college graduates and I thought I was going to get it fulfilled. Along with having housing covered I would have been getting benefits. On midnight of my graduation day my insurance was canceled because I would no longer be a full time student. This leads me into my next point.

I've been sick for the past three weeks with first medication withdrawals and now some sort of allergy attack/sinus infection that turned into a nasty stomach virus a few days ago. I decided to come off of my depression medication because I felt like things were finally looking up enough so that I could handle them. Stepping down Effexor is like taking a meth addict off of the drug without a methadone clinic. My head was spinning, I had no balance, orientation, or equilibrium to speak of. I had to miss 2 and a half days of work because I was in no condition to be there. After I came off of those withdrawals I felt physically better but could tell immediately there was a difference in my mood. I am recognizing the same symptoms of my depression: sleeplessness, irritability, loss of interest, loss of appetite, lethargy, and bad mood swings. Due to the fact that I have no insurance I can no longer take my medication and so I have to find a way to deal with these feelings on a daily basis. The day I felt better from my withdrawals I had an awful sore throat that turned into me not being able to breathe and subsequently cost me another half a day of work. Earlier this week, after thinking I was over the sinus infection, I woke up with severe nausea that didn't go away and a bout of stomach and digestion problems which I will not go into. That finally ended yesterday, so now I'm back to the stuffy sinuses. Hopefully I didn't have anything more severe than a sinus infection (like strep throat). I never get sick until I don't have insurance! Then it's like a flood of ailments all rushing in at once.

Finally, I feel like I've failed. A LOT. Sure, I've graduated college. But what does my degree say? Bachelor of Arts: English. Today I was scanning the University Career Services job database only to find absolutely nothing that I could do with my degree. For now I'm pretty much stuck in either retail or banking because that's what I have work experience in. I'd rather not go back to retail. That would be a huge waste of four years of college. I am currently regretting my decision to not continue my education and apply to law school like I should have. I thought taking a year off would give me time to build savings and relax from the stress of college, but I was wrong. I'm way more stressed out now than I was at the end of my final semester. I feel like my days at the bank are numbered since I only have until mid-August to find a job, and that's putting a lot of pressure on me. I need money to take the LSAT, apply to law school, and find a place to live. Not to mention the fact that I have a boyfriend who currently has no job, no car, and no way to support himself, let alone me. I'm not used to being the main provider in a relationship and it's really weighing me down. Things have to change, and soon. Otherwise I'm going to sink quickly and spiral into the depression I worked so hard to pull myself out of.

I hate that this has to be such a depressing blog entry but I don't know what else to say. Also, today is the birthday of my former best friend, Lucy. I don't really want to get into what happened to us but let's just say that we had a really bad falling out early in the school year. I wish things could have been different, but really, not having her in my life for the past few months has been a good change for me. My outlook on things is different and I can breathe and speak my mind without thinking twice about it or having to come up with an excuse about why I feel a certain way. Basically I can just be myself, no strings attached. It feels good but at the same time I was really sad to lose someone who had been so close to me for almost four years. All of these things add up to be a horrible mood dampener so I don't know when I'm going to pull myself out of this funk but I certainly hope it's soon. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers and if anyone's out there who can relate please share how you got through your rough times. If there's ever been a time when I needed a lot of support this is it.

Thanks everyone.

I'm back

So I haven't written in quite some time. Life seems to catch up to you in that way. Right now I'm relaxing a little before I eat breakfast and head to work. Yep, that's right, work! I am officially a college graduate and have a job, which is hard to come by these days. Luckily my summer internship has been very good to me and I will hopefully become a permanent member of the High Point Bank staff soon.
I guess that's enough for catching up so I will go on to mention something that has been bothering me lately.
Around March I started having these dreams where a certain someone would always be in the same area I was. This someone and I do not get along and seeing them around me has caused me anxiety for the last few months. Anyway, seeing them in my dream was not a good thing because we would always get into fights and then I would proceed to beat the crap out of him/her/it. People who know me know that I'm not a violent person at all so the thought of having a physical confrontation with someone who used to be close to me is really disturbing. A few nights ago I had another dream where this person invaded and people were comparing us. Of course this dream did not go well either. I don't know what to do. Is this underlying anxiety about a lost friend? Probably. I would feel a whole lot better if I could stop dreaming about them. The sad part is, consciously I'm not aware of my anxieties but apparently my subconscious is still reeling because these dreams don't come out of nowhere. It's just so sad that things have to happen this way, but usually they're for the better. I just wish my mind would stop haunting me!
Time's up now so I have to finish getting ready to go to work. I will try to be better about writing. I've missed this.

fate

I always hear a lot of people talking about their fates, but I never really considered mine until last week. It's crazy how life brings people together, rips them apart, pushes them away, etc. Last week, I started dating Daniel. He is exactly the man I need and have been looking for for so long. The crazy thing about this whole thing is, we work together. He noticed me from my first day on the job and though I noticed we were getting closer (ie: talking more), I never imagined that a relationship would come of it. Over the Thanksgiving holiday we started talking online and eventually on the phone. We met up, hung out outside of work, and decided that we wanted to be together. This is all so sudden for me, especially since I just finished therapy for what was a terrible relationship that damaged me in ways I never thought possible. Oddly enough, I'm happy. Moving on is easier than I ever thought it would be. Getting rid of toxic people in my life has proved to be something that has been trying, yet extremely worthwhile. Chris and I are still friends, although we don't talk nearly as much as we used to. David and I no longer speak. Lucy and I are on the outs, probably permanently. But all of that is okay. At first, I was very unhappy with life and going through huge bouts of depression that just leveled me. In the short time we've been together, Daniel has managed to erase all my doubts about ever finding a real, honest, GOOD, man. Of all the people I've dated, he's the only man. A man is not someone who is tough 24/7, but someone who knows how to take care of their family, their obligations, and themselves. Daniel's had a hard life, but it's made him stronger and I appreciate everything that's happened that's made us come together. I think we both go together perfectly because we need each other to fulfill our needs. Not once in my life have I met someone so wonderful. He treats me with respect and is constantly telling his friends about me. He does little things for me like holds my umbrella, opens doors, pulls out my chair, or helps me with my coat. Even though we've only been together for a week I know that I love him. My heart tells me so. And this is so different from any kind of love I've ever felt before. After Chris ripped my heart to pieces I never thought I'd find what I thought was love again. Thank you, fate, for bringing me on the path that lead me to Daniel. Even though I hated being hurt by someone who I loved, it was all worth it. Everything is worth this. For the first time in a very long time, I'm happy. I feel secure, safe, and loved. That's all I've ever wanted in someone and now I've found it.
And PS: Daniel feels the exact same way =D

bus drivers

Sometimes I think I project my anxieties onto others. I have been thinking about this recently because due to my move I've been having to spend a lot of time on buses. I wonder how the bus driver feels when people get on the bus and don't acknowledge his existence. He is giving them a free ride to their destination, so why not say hello, good morning, or thank you upon exiting? The thing that bothers me most is when I'm in a hurry and people keep pressing the tape to request a stop. I'd get so annoyed if I had to drive the bus and listen to that little ding followed by an overly happy female voice announcing "Stop Requested." I guess you could get used to it and not really care, but sometimes when I'm on the bus for a particularly long ride it feels like my chest gets tighter with every ding. I wonder if that's how the bus driver feels. I just have a problem with driving in general. Anytime someone tailgates me for five minutes, then speeds past me I feel really nervous/anxious. I wonder why they can't just go around. If I had to drive a huge bus full of noisy, rude students on their cell phones all day I'd probably go nuts (even more so than I already am). So I guess this is a huge thank you to all bus drivers. It's a job I know I definitely couldn't do and I'm glad that someone out there can. It'd be a tough thing for me since apparently just riding on the bus causes me stress.

rain

No, not the weather. The song. Not the one by Candlebox but the one by Breaking Benjamin. Before I write about it I want to say that I am not the biggest Breaking Benjamin fan. I loved their album Saturate and then I felt like in every other subsequent album they "sold out" by totally changing their sound to fit what was popular back in that day. I think some of their new stuff sounds similar to their older songs but anyway...

I am listening to Rain on the album We Are Not Alone. It is such a pretty song and it brings back a lot of fond memories and nostalgia for me. I don't know why but usually when I get into these moods and listen to songs like this I cry and my heart pounds and anxiety builds up in my chest. Even though my eyes are burning just a little, I'm really happy. I think the memories that this song evokes are those of my relationship with Chris, how happy I was with him and just the simple feeling of comfort when he reached for my hand in the car or rubbed my back just a little when he needed to touch me. Just sweet little gestures like that and the way they made me feel are what this song reminds me of. I'm not sad at all, just feeling very mellow and content and somewhat on top of the world. Even though we aren't together anymore I can sit back and realize what a wonderful guy I had and how good it made me feel. It isn't all the time that a guy as great as he is comes along. Even though we had a lot of ups and downs (most of which you've read about here on this blog) I still consider our relationship to be a learning experience and overall I am very happy that I was able to live it, the good and the bad, even for just a little bit. I wouldn't take back one thing that I went through with him even though a lot of it hurt. Love is a crazy thing sometimes.

Without further ado, the lyrics and the song:



Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,

I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion of
A heart to wrap around
so I can find my way around

Safe to say from here,
You're getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,
is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

hello again

I know I've been away from here for so long, but I just felt like I didn't have anything to say. This morning I woke up feeling energized so I told myself I was going to get on here and write something. Good thing there's a topic I want to discuss! As usual, it's relationships, but this time it's not one of mine. Actually, it's complicated because it is a relationship I had previously but now I'm not involved. I suppose I should explain (warning, this could get rather lengthy)...

My freshman year in high school I met David. We started dating in February 2003 and things got off to a rocky start because people thought that he broke up with his girlfriend (who was a close friend of mine) to date me. I never thought that was the case, but years later David told me that he did break up with her to date me. Anyway, we dated until my freshman year in college when I broke up with him in December 2006. We almost dated for 4 years so as you can imagine, it was a long relationship filled with plenty of ups and downs. After we broke up we remained good friends who still cared for one another and it felt weird for both of us when we wouldn't speak or hang out a lot. Life went on and I was there for him through some trying times and he was definitely there for me when I was going crazy from my most recent failed relationship. All in all, I thought we were going to be friends forever. I was wrong.

Without going into the whole story, which could take you hours and hours to read and for me to type out, David can be a really sucky friend. The two instances I have in mind are these:
1. He started talking to this girl named Brenna (who is the spitting image of me...no, seriously). One day I was really sick and had to go to the doctor and we had lunch plans. I let him know that I might be a little late for lunch because the doctor was being slow. Anyway, once I got out of there and I let David know we could head to lunch he opted to go hang out with Brenna. Obviously this broke my heart and since I wasn't feeling well already I just got really emotional. This was our first huge fight over something like this.
2. After Brenna didn't work out David starting talking to a girl at his school named Lucy (which is oddly my roommate/bff's name). This girl is 19, 18 when he started talking to her, and he is 24. For obvious reasons her parents don't like the idea of them dating, and besides that, she already has a boyfriend! David and Lucy like to hook up behind her current boyfriend's back and she's always saying to David "Oh, I'm going to break up with him soon, I promise. I can't lose you," etc. You know, the usual crap.

So now that you have an idea of what's going on, I'll finally get around to writing the post I've got in my head. Doesn't the situation with Lucy sound so familiar? We see it in movies and television shows all the time. The naive mistress continues to sleep with the married man, hoping that some day he will leave his wife. She keeps hanging on until finally the man kicks her to the curb and tells her that he will never leave his wife, especially not for her. In this situation it's reversed, of course. I think David and Lucy have been talking for quite a bit now (I'll guess since February, but it could be longer). Ever since then she's been saying "Oh, I'm going to break up with Michael. I want to be with you, I don't want to marry him," etc. Well has she gotten around to doing it? You guessed it: NO! In the meantime she has been getting really jealous of the friendship that David and I share. Apparently she felt as though I still wanted David and that I'm really attracted to him. I can honestly say with fervor that none of those things are true. On many occasions I tried to tell her that I am still in the process of healing from my break up with Chris and I definitely DO NOT want to date David EVER AGAIN. Why can't exes be friends? I think it's nice if that works for you and there shouldn't be any animosity from the new girlfriend/boyfriend. And, if there is, they're not worth it anyway. Especially since that's the first sign that there's no trust in the relationship which means that ultimately it will fail. This is one big reason why things between David and Brenna didn't work out. She didn't like me because David kept showing her the negative side of me (which I'm sure he beefed up quite a bit) and so that caused a lot of tension. Miraculously, David grew some balls and told her that if she didn't like me then they couldn't date because we were good friends and it was always going to be that way. That situation is definitely nowhere close to the current one.

A few weeks ago David and I got in a fight about Lucy and now we don't speak. Apparently within a week's time "we've drifted apart" and "our friendship doesn't mean anything to [him] anymore." That's fine with me because I'm sick of the ups and downs of being a "friend" to him. I say "friend" because I'm only that close when it's convenient. Since he's all hot and bothered for Lucy I can't be in the way and so therefore, our friendship is conveniently over for him. I'm sick of that crap so I'm dealing with it, and seriously I don't feel any pain over losing him as a friend. That's so strange for me to say because usually I'd be all to pieces over something like that. I guess I have finally realized that I don't need people like that in my life and I can move on and be happy. It's such a relief to not have to worry about things going wrong or when the next time I'll be ditched in favor of an immature, cheating sophomore.

A final point I'd like to add is that if she hasn't broken up with him, she's never going to. She apparently ended their relationship a few weekends ago but then immediately got back together with him because she felt like she "made a huge mistake." Okay, if David hasn't picked up on the clues yet, that's a major one. If she feels that way about being with Michael then I'm sorry, it's not going to change. She wants the best of both worlds: a boyfriend when she's at school and a boyfriend who she's really comfortable with when she's at home. Real life isn't like that honey. You have to choose because you can't play the field forever. If you continue to go through life participating in this stupid game you are going to lose, trust me. I've seen much more in life than you have and I can tell you these things are certain. You are setting yourself up for failure and hurting not only yourself but your current boyfriend and David. Is all this really worth it? Last night I texted David and asked if he had moved on yet. He said no and that he wasn't going to because he didn't want to. I said that was stupid because it's obvious at this point that she's never going to seriously date him. A few hours later I got a text saying "Lucy says bite me," to which I replied "Whatever." I'm a senior in college, going to graduate in May, and I'm busy doing homework and looking for a job. I really don't have time for immature BS like these two are pulling. So on that final note, let me just say that I'm glad to be out of the situation for good. People in college, especially David (at his age) should not act like that. But perhaps that's why they're perfect for each other in that really dysfunctional way: they're both really immature.

I'm out. Hope you've enjoyed my latest rant. I'll try to keep them coming.
PEACE.

winds of change

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
-Bob Dylan

I really like the song who's lyrics I posted above. It's called "To Make You Feel My Love" and it's been covered a lot (Garth Brooks, Adele). Anyway I was just thinking that I'm starting to change the way I think about things. I can sit back and regret what I've done in the past or I can change the way I do them in the future. I'd like to think (as I've said before) that I have no regrets, but that would be a lie. I do regret things...A LOT. However, I want to change that. I want to be able to live my life minus regrets from now on because the past is the past and the future is only what we make of it. I am in a bad place right now, but I can start to see the tiny glimmer of hope that's going to get me out of it. That hope is how I experience new relationships in the future. I know what I've done wrong in the past and I understand my mistakes, so in order to have better experiences in the future I know what I have to change and what can remain the same. I may not be able to make amends for wrongs committed previously but I can try and prevent them from happening again. All I really want is to be happy, first alone and with myself, and later with someone who can make my wildest dreams come true. I want someone to care about me and treat me well, but also realize that I'm not perfect and embrace my flaws, and in return I will do the same. Love is a powerful thing, but before you can truly love someone else you have to love yourself first. I am working on that. It's been a long time since I've been hopeful like this and can actually see myself moving forward instead of being stuck in a rut. I like this feeling. Here's to the change developing in me. I hope as time goes by things only get better...

sleepless in high point

Sorry for the ridiculously cliche title but it was necessary (haha). This is the first time I've written in so long because I haven't really had anything to say. I've been going through some really difficult times lately and I just haven't felt like blogging I guess. Have you ever been completely unable to sleep, even though you are really tired? Welcome to the way I've been coping for about a week now. I'm so sleepy and when I go to bed I can't get comfortable. I roll around all night long and finally end up sleeping okay just a few hours before I have to wake up for work. I have no idea what's causing this, but a good guess would be some anxiety, either subconscious or staring me right in the face. Up until yesterday I would say that it was subconscious for the most part. Once again I'm going through a hard time with Chris. I want so desperately to be friends with him but at the same time I can't find a way to let go/move on. No amount of medication or therapy or grieving is going to help me. I have to decide what to do for myself and when to do it and then actually carry through with it. I've already starting slipping. Yesterday I made the decision that we needed time apart. I feel myself starting to say "Oh, well I was just angry." I know I should be happy that I've done something good for myself but instead all I'm getting is the most intense explosion of anxiety I've ever experienced in my life. Thankfully I go back to my family doctor on Thursday and he will probably up my dosage of the anti-anxiety medicine. Hopefully then I'll get some relief. Until then, I am sleeplessly yours.

summer storm

Ever notice how volatile the weather is in the summer, especially in the south? This is the third night in a row that dark clouds have crept on the horizon with the threat of rain. Last night I was in the gym on the treadmill and the whole place was lit up by the lightning. I watched as the sky got darker and darker and when I walked out to my car the air smelled of rain. I was about 15 minutes away from home when the rain came as a torrential downpour. I think summer storms are kind of eerie and mysterious but they can be cool sometimes too. We've been having lots of severe storms in the area lately though, which is never fun when there's an aftermath. For example, yesterday morning Tanglewood Park (outside of Winston-Salem) had to be shut down because there was a lot of wind and rain on Tuesday night, causing some damage. Thankfully High Point hasn't been included in the cities suffering in the aftermath of storms. As I'm typing this the sky is getting darker. It'll probably rain tonight either on my way to the gym or while I'm driving back home. I just hope we're not going to have to hear about droughts this summer...Lord knows we've had enough rain this year!
Just a thought.
Until next time...

what I need

Life is full of necessities. What is hard sometimes is differentiating between a "want" and a "need." It's so easy to say "Oh, I need that" when you really just want it. There are few things in life that I truly need because I already have a lot. For that I'm extremely thankful. I have a place to live, a good job, a car, and amazing friends. It is hard for me to think of something I'm lacking, but if you ask me what I want I could make a list of possibly hundreds of inane little objects, starting with a sandwich cutter that makes your food in the shape of a dinosaur. I've been seeing those at Wal-Mart for a few months now and I'd really like to have one. Anyway, I've figured out something that I need in my life, and that would be a good man. I'm tired of playing around with boys. I need someone who is in MY league and on MY level. I'm ready for someone to be emotionally committed to me and I to them. In essence what I'm saying is that I have a lot of love to give and I want someone to share that with. I deserve so much better than what I allow myself to put up with and to go through. So there, I'm done with teenage boys and on to real men. I want a relationship to work, to last, and to be happy. I want to cut the crap and just be. That's something I feel like I need as well. So, what I want/need to find is someone who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread (cliche, yet true). I know I can be hard to put up with sometimes, moody, and difficult, but deep down all I really want to do is love. So, anyone who is willing to stick it out with me for a little bit and see how I truly am, please feel free to let me know. I don't have my sights set on anyone, but I'm ready to move on. Get ready men...here I am!

anxiety

This is a busy time of year for a lot of people, and this time my family falls in that category. I'm talking about graduation. My brother is graduating from high school tomorrow. By that I mean the formal ceremony takes place tomorrow night. He finished high school in January by means of "early graduation." So tomorrow afternoon we are having a cook out to celebrate. All week we have been spending a lot of time together because he was supposed to leave for the Marine Corps boot camp this Sunday. Yesterday that changed. His departure date has been pushed back to next month, so he's got a little more time at home. Anyway, I think everyone in my family has been keeping too close quarters because I'm feeling a lot of tension in my house. We all need to be on mood stabilizers I think. This is the first time this summer that my anxiety has flared up, which is pretty good since I normally get it 2-3 times a week. I haven't had any anxiety issues since final exams. My dad is upset that my brother's departure date got pushed back because now Thomas doesn't have a job and he can't make his car payments. That's obviously not good, and the tension from that disappointment is spreading. My dad has been ugly with me all day and I can't stand to be here. I just want to go lay on my couch and watch TV. Instead I am upstairs in my hot room wondering what I can do to avoid any and all contact with him. Yes, I am trying to avoid contact unless absolutely necessary. Unfortunately I can't get out of the house because we are going to dinner together tonight for Thomas. So that means at least an hour of jolly fun...if you could see me rolling my eyes right now you'd know how much I'm NOT looking forward to this. That's the problem with my family. If we spend too much time together or if something happens that makes one of us upset we all get involved and things start to look grim. Usually stuff is between me and my parents or just me and my dad. Occasionally it's my dad and brother. This time I'm an innocent bystander who's unfortunately getting pulled into the negativity of my dad's disappointment. It sucks but what can I do? I'm just doing the best I can by avoiding him right now. Hopefully this will blow over in a few days because I don't know how much more of this I can take. At least I go back to work on Monday and that will get me out of the house until the evening. Then I guess I'll just read my book upstairs or something if things are still tense.
Congratulations Thomas! I know it's great to finish high school. I hope things are better for our cookout tomorrow.
Until next time...

recovery room

I haven't posted in quite some time! My lack of blogging and other internet activities such as getting on Facebook or checking email is due to my gallbladder surgery. I did that last Thursday, May 28. I'm finally starting to feel better. Let me tell you, this surgery was not very difficult but it was no piece of cake either. It took place at 7:30 AM so I was glad I didn't have to wait all day and risk getting really nervous about it. I was in the recovery room by 8:45 AM. I got lots of pain medication and the anesthesia was killer. The one thing that was the hardest to get over other than the anesthesia was the gas they use to blow up your abdomen. They have to do that so they can see inside to remove the gallbladder. It's a laproscopic procedure, meaning that the doctor uses a tiny camera to see inside and remove the gallbladder. Fun stuff. So the gas is really hard to get over because you can't pass it. The tissues in your body have to reabsorb it, and in order to do that you have to get up and move around. I wasn't able to do that until about 6:30 PM the day of my surgery. After I got over the gas I was okay. The only one of my four small incisions that hurt or gave me any problems at all was the 1/2 inch one above my belly button. It looks the nastiest, it's the biggest, and that's the one my gallbladder was removed through. Aside from the incision stinging, there was a lingering pain in my right side where my gallbladder was missing and in my right shoulder. Apparently the air supply to the shoulder is along the same line as the diaphram and that gets all messed up when they do this specific operation. So my shoulder has been killing me and the pain in my side isn't great either. However, today is the first day I haven't woken up absolutely unable to move without crying out. I go back to work on Monday and I'm a little nervous, but ready. I don't know how my dad has managed to sit around the house for 7 months due to his foot. I'm already bored and I've only been here a week! I just thought I'd update on my surgery and say I'm doing okay. I have to finish getting ready. We're going to Sam's Club to get stuff for my brother's graduation cookout this weekend.
Until next time...

remembering the past

Getting married is something that I really want to do. I have no idea when or where that will happen, but if I had it my way I'd be tying the knot in about 3 or 4 years. When I think back on the early stages of my relationship with Chris I can't imagine ever finding a love like that again. We've made several attempts to resurrect some semblance of those feelings but it hasn't ever worked. We're just friends now, which is better for us because there's not so much pressure and we don't have to be "other people." However, I miss those crazy feelings and the thoughts of forever that we used to have. There was a time when I knew I wanted to marry him, to spend the rest of my days with Chris in a state of eternal bliss. Now I have no idea if someone that great will ever come along again. People say it's a once in a lifetime feeling that you get when you know someone is "the one." I thought he was, but apparently he's not, and I know I'm definitely not "the one" for him. When one sits and thinks about the past one of two things can happen. You can either be happy that you had those moments and be content with living with the memories, or you can get really sad and miss those days and wish that things would've been different. Regrets usually follow the latter of the two paths. I'm trying to make myself love the memories and know that it's not right for me to be with him. Most days I'm okay with that but there are some days when my wandering mind says otherwise. In the early stages of learning how to be single again your life can be rather difficult. Until I'm completely okay with everything I just want to lay low. I definitely don't want to make a fool of myself and ruin a friendship over these lingering feelings. Being friends with an ex can be hard but I've managed to make it work in the past. All I have to do now is rid myself of this baggage and move on completely. A little help would be nice.
Until next time...

horizontal

...or vertical.
Those are the only two positions that I'm comfortable in right now. I absolutely cannot sit down for a long period of time (more than a few minutes). I almost started crying while I was driving home for lunch because I was in so much pain. I rescheduled my consultation with the surgeon to next Tuesday with a different person, someone my family has worked with in the past and not some no-name doctor no one has heard of before. Somehow next Tuesday seems like a really long time away. I don't have any pain medication, but I had some Vicodin left over from when I had my gum surgery and I took one of those last night. It DID NOT help. If that gives you any indication of what kind of pain I'm in right now, you understand how much this sucks. If Vicodin can't fix it, what can?
So what I want to know is what exactly qualifies as an "emergency"? I would LOVE to get this thing taken care of ASAP and not have to wait so long. Tuesday's only the consultation, not even the surgery. I just hope someone has mercy on me and either gives me some really awesome pain medication or that my surgery will be next Wednesday. The only thing that sucks is that Chris's birthday is next Saturday and I would love to be able to enjoy that with him, but I can't do that if I'm in the hospital or still recovering from surgery. Oh well, I will just have to cross that bridge when I get to it. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Until next time...