rainy days

They aren't good for the emotionally distressed. But alas, it is April, so that means probably about 20 more days of this stuff, interspersed with a few sunny days here and there. April was never my favorite month. I'd have to say that May probably is, just because it's not too hot yet and there are lots of flowers to make me smile. I've always wanted to get married in May, and I hope that will pan out for me one day.
Another thing I hate about rain is that it makes my hair and face look disgusting. My hair is so fine that it frizzes with any chance of humidity, and on rainy days it's just a huge fuzzball. My face on the other hand just feels extremely greasy and I also sweat a lot because of the moisture in the air. When I get out of school I'm going to have to move somewhere outside of the south so I don't have all this humidity pushing down on me all the time.
Also, rain makes me feel extremely unproductive. Today, for example, I don't have class at all so I'm trying to get started on using the day to practice for the LSAT and get my weekend homework done. All I want to do though is watch Sex and the City. I guess I'll have to make sure to push myself really hard to get things done. Perhaps my inability to be productive stems from the fact that I'm not exactly in the best of moods either. The person who I love more than anything has a tendency to break my heart even if we're not together. Breaking up is tough, but I'll get over it. It's only been two weeks right? I can handle it, but the thing that sucks is that when you have a heavy heart it only weighs you down more, making it hard to get focused on anything other than the matter at hand.
In other news, why is it so hot in my dorm room? Our thermostat seems to be messed up. The black line is pointing to 70, which is what we want it to be on, but for some reason the red line is at 75 and pointing at a weird angle. This has got to stop...blah.
Okay, off to get some work done. Hopefully I'll see the sun in a few days...:-\

it's gone

I can't do this anymore.
I've been okay until now, when I know it's not ever going to work out. All I can do is say I'm sorry for the past and let it die.
Why does love have to be so difficult?
"Take the pain out of love, and love won't exist." -The Academy Is...

top ten list #1

In lieu of blogging, I'm going to make a top ten list every now and then. This is the first one of the series (hence the title!):

Top Ten Favorite Moments with Chris

10. Peeps Jousting
9. My first ride in his 350Z
8. Visiting the Coke Museum in Atlanta
7. Weekend beach trip last June
6. One Year Anniversary at The Melting Pot
5. Parasailing in Florida
4. Spontaneous car dancing to Kanye West's "Bad News"
3. Trip to Looking Glass Falls
2. Our first kiss on February 29, 2008
1. The first time he held my hand in the car <3

"smoke it like a peace pipe, as they say"

The title of this blog is what the nurse at the doctor's office told me on Saturday.
Remember how I wrote about me being sick for almost a month? Well the month of me being sick is official today, March 29.
Yesterday, I went to the doctor again for a second opinion. I saw a different doctor this time, thank God. I can't stand my family doctor. That's a story for another post though. Anyways, I was diagnosed with both a sinus infection and a respiratory infection. I walked out of there loaded up with prescriptions. Before they would let me leave, I had to take a peak flow test and when I didn't blow enough air on that test I had to get a breathing treatment. That's where the quote comes from. And while I was sitting there, "smoking my peace pipe," I was thinking about how crappy I've felt in the last month. It's been never ending, and something new each week. Here is a list of the medications I'm currently taking to fight these infections:
1. Inhaler, for my lungs (I'm extremely wheezy/short of breath)
2. Prednisone, for the inflammation in my lungs
3. Amoxicillin (antibiotic, I have to take 3000 mg/day of this stuff!)
4. A prescription eye drop (my eyes are also infected)
5. Mucinex D, for the sinus congestion
6. Saline nasal spray so I can actually breathe
These six medications are in addition to the antibiotic I already take daily for my acne, as well as the birth control pills I'm on. I really hope that I get better soon because one month is a really long time to be sick. Plus, with all that medicine, there's no reason why I shouldn't be feeling better! I'll keep updating on my condition, but now it's time for a little shut eye!
Until next time...

you're haunting me

I always try to have no regrets. Sometimes that doesn't work out in my favor at all. It's so easy to regret the past and mistakes you have made or things you have done that were less than stellar. It always seems that when you go through a rough breakup you sit and think about all the things that went wrong and how you can fix them. Sometimes this is possible, but most times it is not. So why worry about it? I keep telling myself that things will get better. Emotionally, I've been okay, up until last night when I found out my ex had started talking to his girlfriend prior to me. I guess they were in love, but I don't really know much about their relationship. It just bothers me that he would start talking to her again so soon after we went our separate ways. I guess the thing that bugs me most is that I can't control the situation. I have no say in what goes on in his life anymore. Not that I ever wanted to control every aspect of every thing we did together or make his decisions for him, but I could at least say "I don't like that." If we were dating still, I wouldn't have a problem with him talking to her. I trust him. I know that he'd never do anything to compromise our relationship like that. I suppose I'm bothered because I feel threatened. If we were to work something out, then I would feel like she could get in the way. Or maybe I feel like he'll stop talking to me because he wants her back, then he'll have the dream that I wanted. I wanted to marry him, you know. To live in that big house and have a little family, be happy everyday, and just love him. I don't want someone else to have him like that, but I have to confront these feelings so I can let go. That's what I need, is to let him go.

viruses are gross

I'm not one to complain about being sick, but damn! I've been sick for almost a month now and it's driving me insane. It all started when Chris got some sort of nasty viral infection, then passed it on to me (accidentally of course). We were both really sick and miserable and pathetic looking while driving down to Florida. You should've seen us, taking our Robitussin every 4 hours, endlessly sucking on cough drops, and blowing our noses with the huge box of tissues we bought before we left.
When we left Florida, Chris got way worse and I was on the mend. He started taking antibiotics, which were ineffective for awhile, then miraculously he got better. I, on the other hand, got sick again, just like he did! I went to the doctor and all I got was some lousy cough medicine (lol). Now we're both suffering from scratchy, sore throats, and mine kind of burns a little. I really don't think this junk is ever going to go away, but I guess that's what viruses do to you. Here's hoping we both get better soon! It sucks to be sick, especially with allergies right around the corner. It's a vicious cycle.

reality check

I've used this term in life before...a lot. But only recently have I actually experienced one for myself. Actually, I've had quite a few of these pleasant little glimpses into who I really am (note the sarcasm). So to give you a little background on this entry, my boyfriend and I are breaking up for good this time. We've tried and tried to make it work and the fact is, we just don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues and a smooth, argument-free relationship isn't possible at this point in our lives. Yes, I love him, but I have to move on, or at least take a break from guys in general for a little while. All of this can be hard to handle, but we're mutually splitting so that makes the situation so much easier for me. There haven't been any late-night tears or lost sleep because I made an important decision: I'd rather have him in life as a friend than not at all. He knows this and has been very generous to me and my emotions for the past couple of days. For that, I thank him. He's such a sweet guy, which makes me even happier to have been with him for the year that he decided to put up with me.

So now, on to the reality checks.
#1: Saturday at breakfast, my dad says "The better you treat people, the more they screw you over." Now, it is important to understand that overall my dad is a pretty cynical guy. He said this comment in reference to an event unrelated to my break up. But as he said that, I realized that my boyfriend has called me out on this before. It really hit me hard, and that set off the chain reaction of more and more reality checks coming my way.

#2: I'm not always right. I have professed to realizing this about myself before, but never to this degree. I don't really have an example to go along with this, but just know that I have a deeper understanding of this fact now.

#3: People have different ways of doing things. I definitely have mentioned this here before too, but now I've also got a better grasp on this truth. Example: Chris likes to sleep in on the weekends, as most people do. My definition of sleeping in is waking up between 9:30 and 10:00 (rarely do I sleep past 9:30, though). That's because since I was 16 I've been getting up early to go to my jobs on Saturday and Sunday. Therefore, sleeping in to me is what some people consider early for them. Chris loves to catch up on his sleep until 12 in the afternoon. I've criticized him for this many times because I'm too selfish to let him rest. I'm jealous of his bed, to be honest. That may sound silly, but I want to spend time with him, all the while sacrificing his sleep which is vital to his lifestyle. Just because I do something one way does not mean that other people should have to do them the same way.

Looking at myself this way is really an eye-opening experience. Some of the things aren't so pleasant, but once you start realizing who you really are, you can be more understanding about the way others perceive you. I was wondering why these things never come at any opportune moments, but I guess that's why they're called "reality checks." As Lucy put it, it's a sign of maturity and I should be glad to have them.
I guess I am.
I'm learning what it feels like to have no one to blame but myself.