remembering the past

Getting married is something that I really want to do. I have no idea when or where that will happen, but if I had it my way I'd be tying the knot in about 3 or 4 years. When I think back on the early stages of my relationship with Chris I can't imagine ever finding a love like that again. We've made several attempts to resurrect some semblance of those feelings but it hasn't ever worked. We're just friends now, which is better for us because there's not so much pressure and we don't have to be "other people." However, I miss those crazy feelings and the thoughts of forever that we used to have. There was a time when I knew I wanted to marry him, to spend the rest of my days with Chris in a state of eternal bliss. Now I have no idea if someone that great will ever come along again. People say it's a once in a lifetime feeling that you get when you know someone is "the one." I thought he was, but apparently he's not, and I know I'm definitely not "the one" for him. When one sits and thinks about the past one of two things can happen. You can either be happy that you had those moments and be content with living with the memories, or you can get really sad and miss those days and wish that things would've been different. Regrets usually follow the latter of the two paths. I'm trying to make myself love the memories and know that it's not right for me to be with him. Most days I'm okay with that but there are some days when my wandering mind says otherwise. In the early stages of learning how to be single again your life can be rather difficult. Until I'm completely okay with everything I just want to lay low. I definitely don't want to make a fool of myself and ruin a friendship over these lingering feelings. Being friends with an ex can be hard but I've managed to make it work in the past. All I have to do now is rid myself of this baggage and move on completely. A little help would be nice.
Until next time...

horizontal

...or vertical.
Those are the only two positions that I'm comfortable in right now. I absolutely cannot sit down for a long period of time (more than a few minutes). I almost started crying while I was driving home for lunch because I was in so much pain. I rescheduled my consultation with the surgeon to next Tuesday with a different person, someone my family has worked with in the past and not some no-name doctor no one has heard of before. Somehow next Tuesday seems like a really long time away. I don't have any pain medication, but I had some Vicodin left over from when I had my gum surgery and I took one of those last night. It DID NOT help. If that gives you any indication of what kind of pain I'm in right now, you understand how much this sucks. If Vicodin can't fix it, what can?
So what I want to know is what exactly qualifies as an "emergency"? I would LOVE to get this thing taken care of ASAP and not have to wait so long. Tuesday's only the consultation, not even the surgery. I just hope someone has mercy on me and either gives me some really awesome pain medication or that my surgery will be next Wednesday. The only thing that sucks is that Chris's birthday is next Saturday and I would love to be able to enjoy that with him, but I can't do that if I'm in the hospital or still recovering from surgery. Oh well, I will just have to cross that bridge when I get to it. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Until next time...

gallstones

I had my ultrasound this morning and it turns out that I have gallstones. This means that I will have to have my gallbladder removed. I have a consultation with the surgeon next Thursday and then I'll schedule the surgery. Ultrasounds are really weird, by the way. I had always heard that the gel was cold, but the stuff used on me was warm. It was also kind of tingly. The little sensor thing that they move around on you is hard and uncomfortable, especially when it pushes on the thing that hurts (that would be my right side). Also you have to hold your breath for a few seconds which isn't really fun either because it's difficult to hold your breath while they're pushing on you. Overall it's a relatively painless procedure, but it's definitely strange. The sound the sensor makes feels really funny too. It kind of vibrates inside your body. I wonder what it's like to get one while pregnant? I suppose I'll find out in a few years. So for now I'm waiting and the pain in my side is dying down a little but not enough for me to be comfortable. I've found it's worse while I'm sitting. Well, I'm off to eat some (non-fattening) dinner and head out to the gym.
Until next time...

a pain in my side

This isn't a metaphor for something annoying, it's the real deal. Since 3AM I've had a sharp pain beneath my rib cage on my right side. You know what that means? Gallbladder issues. Fun stuff. Let me start with a little history. Last summer I would wake up in the middle of the night with really bad heartburn that made me feel like I was having a heart attack. After the pain in my chest would subside, an extremely painful stomach ache would follow, keeping me awake longer. There is no comfortable position to be in with this kind of stomach ache. You can't sit down, stand up, lay down, or do any combination of these positions because nothing helps. Eventually the cocktail of OTC medications (and sometimes one of my mom's prescription pills) would kick in and save me, letting me sleep. The pain ALWAYS went away within a few hours. In October though, I had one of these attacks at school. The heartburn was unbearable, but it finally passed, leaving me with a stomach ache that lasted all day. I couldn't go to class and I just slept until 3 in the afternoon when I finally felt okay. I was extremely nauseous and couldn't really move. I just laid down and tried to sleep. Since then I hadn't had an attack until last weekend. The heartburn was extremely bad as usual, but for some reason the pain lingered in my stomach. When it finally went away I felt strange for the rest of the day. These experiences culminated yesterday (Saturday) at about 7:30 PM. Chris and I went to enjoy a dinner at Rockola in Greensboro. After my extremely fattening dinner I noticed my stomach felt strange, but I just put it off as gas. It didn't go away and when I got home I took two Gas-X to relieve the pain and went to bed. At around 3 AM I wake up with the same dull but terrible aching in my stomach, this time the heartburn did not accompany the stomach pain. The more I moved, the worse it got. I took a ton of medicine and an hour later it still hadn't improved so I took some more. I was in and out of a sleeping state because I was in so much pain. I wriggled around on the bed and moaned because I couldn't do anything else. I told my mom and she said I needed to go to the emergency room. I called Chris and he came over to take me, but when we got there it was packed. The pain in my side had not gone away so I went to an urgent care center. I knew something was up with my gallbladder because my mom and aunt both had the same problems previously. I told the doctor my symptoms and he drew blood to check for an infection. No infection, but I have to get an ultrasound on my gallbladder in the morning. Until then I'm on an anti-inflammatory and something for the intense nausea I have. The pain in my side still persists, and it comes in waves of being really sharp and painful to dulling down. I have never had pain last this long in this area, and medicine has always worked up until today. The prescriptions I'm on make me extremely drowsy so I keep fighting to stay awake to type. I will probably have to have surgery to remove my gallbladder immediately so please pray for me. I've never had a procedure done like this before. The only surgery I've ever had was back in October on my gums so I'm really nervous. I can't even go to work in the morning since I'm having that ultrasound. We shall see, and I will definitely keep you guys posted. Please pray that things work out in the best way possible and that I can actually get some pain-free sleep tonight.

working girl

Yep, back to the grind. My first day back was Monday, a gray, rainy day. How amazing right? This summer I'm a floating teller so I get to move around instead of having a branch to go to everyday. This could be good or bad, I haven't decided yet. Although it will be nice to have a change of scenery every once in a while. On Monday I just got to observe to refresh my memory and I got sent to the branch I worked at last year (Westchester). It was fun to catch up with all my coworkers and also meet some new people. The customers are the same: either really grouchy or pretty nice. The coworkers are "all the same, but more bitter" as Geoff puts it. Tuesday I got to run a drawer after some brief review on Reg CC holds, fun stuff, I know. Today I just ran a drawer like usual. It's like riding a bike: once you've gotten the hang of it, it's very easy to pick up later. I'll be working at Westchester until next Friday when I'll switch to Eastchester. I have no idea what's in store for me after that. At least I'll get paid at the end of this month, though! I need that money for Chris's birthday and the huge tab I'm working up with him due to the fact that I am absolutely broke at the moment. So far so good though. I'm hoping that the summer and my job can only get better! I'm off to get ready for the gym now.
Until next time peeps!

layers

Another survey...

LAYER ONE: On the Outside--

Full Name: Sarah Elizabeth Murray
Birthday: January 22
School: UNC Chapel Hill
Major: English
Current Location: Home in High Point, NC
Eye Color: Bluish green
Hair Color: Blond (?)
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius


LAYER TWO: On the Inside--

Your Heritage: English, Native American
Your Fears: failure, being alone, tight spaces, death, airplanes (eesh)
Weakness: I'm too demanding
Goal(s): find someone to love me as I am, become a successful lawyer, be a better person
Regrets: Chemistry 101, 'nuff said.
Change one thing about your life: I wish I would've gone to private high school
Relieve Stress: work out, watch TV
Hardest thing ever dealt with: breaking up with someone who I'm in love with
What upsets you: jerks, rude people, inconsiderate people
Vent about something: Nothing really to get off of my chest, I just wish I had more time in the day to get things accomplished.

LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow--

Your thoughts first waking up: It feels like I just went to sleep!
Your bedtime: around 10:30-11
Your most missed memory: last summer

LAYER FOUR: You’re picking--

Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
Single or Group dates: Single
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Neither, I'm a Luisiane girl
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee


LAYER FIVE: Do You--

Do Drugs: Nope
Have a crush: It's complicated
Think you've been in love: Yes
Want to get married: Yes
Believe in yourself: Usually

LAYER SIX: In the Past Month--

Drank alcohol: Yes
Gone to the mall: No
Eaten Sushi: No
Gone skating: No
Dyed your hair: No
Done something exciting: Not really


LAYER SEVEN: Have You Ever?--

Changed who you were to fit in: Not to fit in, but to be a better person in my relationship
Hid something from someone: Yes
Stole a note that you weren't tagged in: Haha yeah, good old Facebook...


LAYER EIGHT: Getting Old--

Age you're hoping to be married: In a few years, maybe 26 or so.
Age you're hoping to have children: Hopefully before 30, but not until I've been married for 3 years.
Want to travel to: Europe, California and NY again, Hawaii


LAYER NINE: Perfect Mate--

Best Eye Color: Blue or green
Best Hair Color: I seem to go for the darker hair
Short or Long Hair: Short to medium


LAYER TEN: What were you doing--

5 MINUTES AGO: Reading blogs
1 HOUR AGO: Counting my drawer at work
1 DAY AGO: Watching people count their drawers at work
1 YEAR AGO: Probably hanging out with someone or chilling during my last week off before work

LAYER ELEVEN: Finish the Sentence--

I Love: dogs
I Feel: neutral
I Hate: pain
I Hide: my true feelings
I Miss: childhood
I Need: more time

I've come to realize...

It's a survey:

1. I've come to realize that my family...can be quite dysfunctional.

2. I've come to realize that my hair...is pretty amazing.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...I can relax.

4. I've come to realize that I need...therapy.

5. I've come to realize that my heart...can heal from being broken.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...I have to be someone else before people will like/accept me.

7. I've come to realize that when I'm mad...I really want to cry.

8. I've come to realize that cash...rules everything around me (haha).

9. I've come to realize that certain people...make me extremely happy.

10. I've come to realize that I'll never be...a doctor, nurse, pharmacist, or anything I ever wanted to be when I was growing up (so sad).

11. I've come to realize that drugs...should be legalized.

12. I've come to realize that the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend...will still break your heart.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...has a tendency to pop its back off randomly.

14.I've come to realize when I woke up this morning...I wanted to sleep in.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...I was in a good mood.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...how life is so complicated.

17. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...I'm usually wasting time.

18. I've come to realize that yesterday...was far better than today.

19. I've come to realize that today...I finally let go.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...I am okay.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...is a new day and it will only be what I make of it.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...make money so I can stop being worried about finances.

23.I've come to realize that my patience...keeps getting stronger.

24. I've come to realize that I love...being calm and anxiety-free.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...will be the end of my junk food and lazy days.

26. I've come to realize the best music to listen to...is whatever fits my mood.

27. I've come to realize that some friends...aren't really your friends after all.

28. I've come to realize that this year...will make or break me.

29. I've come to realize that I will always...love Chris, but in a different way than all my other exes.

30. I've come to realize that time...is the only way to heal.

the home stretch

Tomorrow is my last exam, and will arguably be my hardest by far. Not something I'm looking forward to. I'm planning on studying for it the rest of the afternoon so I can hopefully pass that class with a C or better. It's for my major so I need to get at least that, plus a B would be nice to make my GPA finally reach a 3.0. Here's a lesson for you guys out there: NEVER, and I mean NEVER, make an F in college. When I was a freshman in college I took Chemistry 101 because I thought I was going to be a pharmacist. Worst decision, ever. I made a B in Chem lab and a B on all of the homework assignments and quizzes in the lecture but when it came to the tests I never did well. My test grades for that class were 45, 11, and 16. No joke. I made a 52 on the final. Out of 200 possible points. Yep. That class kicked my butt and I don't really understand why I did so poorly on the tests, but I did and ended up with a big fat F in the class. I probably would've made an F- if that was possible. So yeah, I spent the rest of my college career trying to pull my GPA back up to a good, round number. So my lesson that I've learned is: if you don't think that you can pass a class, drop it. Don't be afraid. I've done that twice since I made that F. Never again will I take a class that is too hard for me to perform well in. Tomorrow afternoon I'll be a senior! I can't believe my time in college has gone by so fast. Soon it'll be time for me to hit the pavement and look for a job. Wow, scary! Now if I could only get my love life under control...then I'd be in the money.
Until next time...

optimism

Staying optimistic is usually the way to go in most situations, at least that's what I've experienced in the past. There are just so many things going on in my life right now that if I let them overtake me, they could. Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and let myself be overwhelmed...I guess you could call these my "bad days." I think everyone has good and bad days. Even though the bad days are less than pleasant, we need them to keep us balanced. So through this time of anger, resentment, stress, unhappiness, unsettling, and heartbreak, I'm trying to remain optimistic. I know that as with all other unpleasant things in life, this too shall pass. My emotions are just a bunch of jumbled thoughts right now so I could be happy one moment and angry the next. I'm hoping to sort this out soon so I can get back to normal. Therapy anyone?