fate

I always hear a lot of people talking about their fates, but I never really considered mine until last week. It's crazy how life brings people together, rips them apart, pushes them away, etc. Last week, I started dating Daniel. He is exactly the man I need and have been looking for for so long. The crazy thing about this whole thing is, we work together. He noticed me from my first day on the job and though I noticed we were getting closer (ie: talking more), I never imagined that a relationship would come of it. Over the Thanksgiving holiday we started talking online and eventually on the phone. We met up, hung out outside of work, and decided that we wanted to be together. This is all so sudden for me, especially since I just finished therapy for what was a terrible relationship that damaged me in ways I never thought possible. Oddly enough, I'm happy. Moving on is easier than I ever thought it would be. Getting rid of toxic people in my life has proved to be something that has been trying, yet extremely worthwhile. Chris and I are still friends, although we don't talk nearly as much as we used to. David and I no longer speak. Lucy and I are on the outs, probably permanently. But all of that is okay. At first, I was very unhappy with life and going through huge bouts of depression that just leveled me. In the short time we've been together, Daniel has managed to erase all my doubts about ever finding a real, honest, GOOD, man. Of all the people I've dated, he's the only man. A man is not someone who is tough 24/7, but someone who knows how to take care of their family, their obligations, and themselves. Daniel's had a hard life, but it's made him stronger and I appreciate everything that's happened that's made us come together. I think we both go together perfectly because we need each other to fulfill our needs. Not once in my life have I met someone so wonderful. He treats me with respect and is constantly telling his friends about me. He does little things for me like holds my umbrella, opens doors, pulls out my chair, or helps me with my coat. Even though we've only been together for a week I know that I love him. My heart tells me so. And this is so different from any kind of love I've ever felt before. After Chris ripped my heart to pieces I never thought I'd find what I thought was love again. Thank you, fate, for bringing me on the path that lead me to Daniel. Even though I hated being hurt by someone who I loved, it was all worth it. Everything is worth this. For the first time in a very long time, I'm happy. I feel secure, safe, and loved. That's all I've ever wanted in someone and now I've found it.
And PS: Daniel feels the exact same way =D

bus drivers

Sometimes I think I project my anxieties onto others. I have been thinking about this recently because due to my move I've been having to spend a lot of time on buses. I wonder how the bus driver feels when people get on the bus and don't acknowledge his existence. He is giving them a free ride to their destination, so why not say hello, good morning, or thank you upon exiting? The thing that bothers me most is when I'm in a hurry and people keep pressing the tape to request a stop. I'd get so annoyed if I had to drive the bus and listen to that little ding followed by an overly happy female voice announcing "Stop Requested." I guess you could get used to it and not really care, but sometimes when I'm on the bus for a particularly long ride it feels like my chest gets tighter with every ding. I wonder if that's how the bus driver feels. I just have a problem with driving in general. Anytime someone tailgates me for five minutes, then speeds past me I feel really nervous/anxious. I wonder why they can't just go around. If I had to drive a huge bus full of noisy, rude students on their cell phones all day I'd probably go nuts (even more so than I already am). So I guess this is a huge thank you to all bus drivers. It's a job I know I definitely couldn't do and I'm glad that someone out there can. It'd be a tough thing for me since apparently just riding on the bus causes me stress.

rain

No, not the weather. The song. Not the one by Candlebox but the one by Breaking Benjamin. Before I write about it I want to say that I am not the biggest Breaking Benjamin fan. I loved their album Saturate and then I felt like in every other subsequent album they "sold out" by totally changing their sound to fit what was popular back in that day. I think some of their new stuff sounds similar to their older songs but anyway...

I am listening to Rain on the album We Are Not Alone. It is such a pretty song and it brings back a lot of fond memories and nostalgia for me. I don't know why but usually when I get into these moods and listen to songs like this I cry and my heart pounds and anxiety builds up in my chest. Even though my eyes are burning just a little, I'm really happy. I think the memories that this song evokes are those of my relationship with Chris, how happy I was with him and just the simple feeling of comfort when he reached for my hand in the car or rubbed my back just a little when he needed to touch me. Just sweet little gestures like that and the way they made me feel are what this song reminds me of. I'm not sad at all, just feeling very mellow and content and somewhat on top of the world. Even though we aren't together anymore I can sit back and realize what a wonderful guy I had and how good it made me feel. It isn't all the time that a guy as great as he is comes along. Even though we had a lot of ups and downs (most of which you've read about here on this blog) I still consider our relationship to be a learning experience and overall I am very happy that I was able to live it, the good and the bad, even for just a little bit. I wouldn't take back one thing that I went through with him even though a lot of it hurt. Love is a crazy thing sometimes.

Without further ado, the lyrics and the song:



Take a photograph,
It'll be the last,
Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,

I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion of
A heart to wrap around
so I can find my way around

Safe to say from here,
You're getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

To lie here under you,
is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,
To lie here under you is all that I could ever do,
To lie here under you is all,

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

Rain rain go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun,
All the world is waiting for the sun.

hello again

I know I've been away from here for so long, but I just felt like I didn't have anything to say. This morning I woke up feeling energized so I told myself I was going to get on here and write something. Good thing there's a topic I want to discuss! As usual, it's relationships, but this time it's not one of mine. Actually, it's complicated because it is a relationship I had previously but now I'm not involved. I suppose I should explain (warning, this could get rather lengthy)...

My freshman year in high school I met David. We started dating in February 2003 and things got off to a rocky start because people thought that he broke up with his girlfriend (who was a close friend of mine) to date me. I never thought that was the case, but years later David told me that he did break up with her to date me. Anyway, we dated until my freshman year in college when I broke up with him in December 2006. We almost dated for 4 years so as you can imagine, it was a long relationship filled with plenty of ups and downs. After we broke up we remained good friends who still cared for one another and it felt weird for both of us when we wouldn't speak or hang out a lot. Life went on and I was there for him through some trying times and he was definitely there for me when I was going crazy from my most recent failed relationship. All in all, I thought we were going to be friends forever. I was wrong.

Without going into the whole story, which could take you hours and hours to read and for me to type out, David can be a really sucky friend. The two instances I have in mind are these:
1. He started talking to this girl named Brenna (who is the spitting image of me...no, seriously). One day I was really sick and had to go to the doctor and we had lunch plans. I let him know that I might be a little late for lunch because the doctor was being slow. Anyway, once I got out of there and I let David know we could head to lunch he opted to go hang out with Brenna. Obviously this broke my heart and since I wasn't feeling well already I just got really emotional. This was our first huge fight over something like this.
2. After Brenna didn't work out David starting talking to a girl at his school named Lucy (which is oddly my roommate/bff's name). This girl is 19, 18 when he started talking to her, and he is 24. For obvious reasons her parents don't like the idea of them dating, and besides that, she already has a boyfriend! David and Lucy like to hook up behind her current boyfriend's back and she's always saying to David "Oh, I'm going to break up with him soon, I promise. I can't lose you," etc. You know, the usual crap.

So now that you have an idea of what's going on, I'll finally get around to writing the post I've got in my head. Doesn't the situation with Lucy sound so familiar? We see it in movies and television shows all the time. The naive mistress continues to sleep with the married man, hoping that some day he will leave his wife. She keeps hanging on until finally the man kicks her to the curb and tells her that he will never leave his wife, especially not for her. In this situation it's reversed, of course. I think David and Lucy have been talking for quite a bit now (I'll guess since February, but it could be longer). Ever since then she's been saying "Oh, I'm going to break up with Michael. I want to be with you, I don't want to marry him," etc. Well has she gotten around to doing it? You guessed it: NO! In the meantime she has been getting really jealous of the friendship that David and I share. Apparently she felt as though I still wanted David and that I'm really attracted to him. I can honestly say with fervor that none of those things are true. On many occasions I tried to tell her that I am still in the process of healing from my break up with Chris and I definitely DO NOT want to date David EVER AGAIN. Why can't exes be friends? I think it's nice if that works for you and there shouldn't be any animosity from the new girlfriend/boyfriend. And, if there is, they're not worth it anyway. Especially since that's the first sign that there's no trust in the relationship which means that ultimately it will fail. This is one big reason why things between David and Brenna didn't work out. She didn't like me because David kept showing her the negative side of me (which I'm sure he beefed up quite a bit) and so that caused a lot of tension. Miraculously, David grew some balls and told her that if she didn't like me then they couldn't date because we were good friends and it was always going to be that way. That situation is definitely nowhere close to the current one.

A few weeks ago David and I got in a fight about Lucy and now we don't speak. Apparently within a week's time "we've drifted apart" and "our friendship doesn't mean anything to [him] anymore." That's fine with me because I'm sick of the ups and downs of being a "friend" to him. I say "friend" because I'm only that close when it's convenient. Since he's all hot and bothered for Lucy I can't be in the way and so therefore, our friendship is conveniently over for him. I'm sick of that crap so I'm dealing with it, and seriously I don't feel any pain over losing him as a friend. That's so strange for me to say because usually I'd be all to pieces over something like that. I guess I have finally realized that I don't need people like that in my life and I can move on and be happy. It's such a relief to not have to worry about things going wrong or when the next time I'll be ditched in favor of an immature, cheating sophomore.

A final point I'd like to add is that if she hasn't broken up with him, she's never going to. She apparently ended their relationship a few weekends ago but then immediately got back together with him because she felt like she "made a huge mistake." Okay, if David hasn't picked up on the clues yet, that's a major one. If she feels that way about being with Michael then I'm sorry, it's not going to change. She wants the best of both worlds: a boyfriend when she's at school and a boyfriend who she's really comfortable with when she's at home. Real life isn't like that honey. You have to choose because you can't play the field forever. If you continue to go through life participating in this stupid game you are going to lose, trust me. I've seen much more in life than you have and I can tell you these things are certain. You are setting yourself up for failure and hurting not only yourself but your current boyfriend and David. Is all this really worth it? Last night I texted David and asked if he had moved on yet. He said no and that he wasn't going to because he didn't want to. I said that was stupid because it's obvious at this point that she's never going to seriously date him. A few hours later I got a text saying "Lucy says bite me," to which I replied "Whatever." I'm a senior in college, going to graduate in May, and I'm busy doing homework and looking for a job. I really don't have time for immature BS like these two are pulling. So on that final note, let me just say that I'm glad to be out of the situation for good. People in college, especially David (at his age) should not act like that. But perhaps that's why they're perfect for each other in that really dysfunctional way: they're both really immature.

I'm out. Hope you've enjoyed my latest rant. I'll try to keep them coming.
PEACE.

winds of change

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet
-Bob Dylan

I really like the song who's lyrics I posted above. It's called "To Make You Feel My Love" and it's been covered a lot (Garth Brooks, Adele). Anyway I was just thinking that I'm starting to change the way I think about things. I can sit back and regret what I've done in the past or I can change the way I do them in the future. I'd like to think (as I've said before) that I have no regrets, but that would be a lie. I do regret things...A LOT. However, I want to change that. I want to be able to live my life minus regrets from now on because the past is the past and the future is only what we make of it. I am in a bad place right now, but I can start to see the tiny glimmer of hope that's going to get me out of it. That hope is how I experience new relationships in the future. I know what I've done wrong in the past and I understand my mistakes, so in order to have better experiences in the future I know what I have to change and what can remain the same. I may not be able to make amends for wrongs committed previously but I can try and prevent them from happening again. All I really want is to be happy, first alone and with myself, and later with someone who can make my wildest dreams come true. I want someone to care about me and treat me well, but also realize that I'm not perfect and embrace my flaws, and in return I will do the same. Love is a powerful thing, but before you can truly love someone else you have to love yourself first. I am working on that. It's been a long time since I've been hopeful like this and can actually see myself moving forward instead of being stuck in a rut. I like this feeling. Here's to the change developing in me. I hope as time goes by things only get better...

sleepless in high point

Sorry for the ridiculously cliche title but it was necessary (haha). This is the first time I've written in so long because I haven't really had anything to say. I've been going through some really difficult times lately and I just haven't felt like blogging I guess. Have you ever been completely unable to sleep, even though you are really tired? Welcome to the way I've been coping for about a week now. I'm so sleepy and when I go to bed I can't get comfortable. I roll around all night long and finally end up sleeping okay just a few hours before I have to wake up for work. I have no idea what's causing this, but a good guess would be some anxiety, either subconscious or staring me right in the face. Up until yesterday I would say that it was subconscious for the most part. Once again I'm going through a hard time with Chris. I want so desperately to be friends with him but at the same time I can't find a way to let go/move on. No amount of medication or therapy or grieving is going to help me. I have to decide what to do for myself and when to do it and then actually carry through with it. I've already starting slipping. Yesterday I made the decision that we needed time apart. I feel myself starting to say "Oh, well I was just angry." I know I should be happy that I've done something good for myself but instead all I'm getting is the most intense explosion of anxiety I've ever experienced in my life. Thankfully I go back to my family doctor on Thursday and he will probably up my dosage of the anti-anxiety medicine. Hopefully then I'll get some relief. Until then, I am sleeplessly yours.

summer storm

Ever notice how volatile the weather is in the summer, especially in the south? This is the third night in a row that dark clouds have crept on the horizon with the threat of rain. Last night I was in the gym on the treadmill and the whole place was lit up by the lightning. I watched as the sky got darker and darker and when I walked out to my car the air smelled of rain. I was about 15 minutes away from home when the rain came as a torrential downpour. I think summer storms are kind of eerie and mysterious but they can be cool sometimes too. We've been having lots of severe storms in the area lately though, which is never fun when there's an aftermath. For example, yesterday morning Tanglewood Park (outside of Winston-Salem) had to be shut down because there was a lot of wind and rain on Tuesday night, causing some damage. Thankfully High Point hasn't been included in the cities suffering in the aftermath of storms. As I'm typing this the sky is getting darker. It'll probably rain tonight either on my way to the gym or while I'm driving back home. I just hope we're not going to have to hear about droughts this summer...Lord knows we've had enough rain this year!
Just a thought.
Until next time...

what I need

Life is full of necessities. What is hard sometimes is differentiating between a "want" and a "need." It's so easy to say "Oh, I need that" when you really just want it. There are few things in life that I truly need because I already have a lot. For that I'm extremely thankful. I have a place to live, a good job, a car, and amazing friends. It is hard for me to think of something I'm lacking, but if you ask me what I want I could make a list of possibly hundreds of inane little objects, starting with a sandwich cutter that makes your food in the shape of a dinosaur. I've been seeing those at Wal-Mart for a few months now and I'd really like to have one. Anyway, I've figured out something that I need in my life, and that would be a good man. I'm tired of playing around with boys. I need someone who is in MY league and on MY level. I'm ready for someone to be emotionally committed to me and I to them. In essence what I'm saying is that I have a lot of love to give and I want someone to share that with. I deserve so much better than what I allow myself to put up with and to go through. So there, I'm done with teenage boys and on to real men. I want a relationship to work, to last, and to be happy. I want to cut the crap and just be. That's something I feel like I need as well. So, what I want/need to find is someone who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread (cliche, yet true). I know I can be hard to put up with sometimes, moody, and difficult, but deep down all I really want to do is love. So, anyone who is willing to stick it out with me for a little bit and see how I truly am, please feel free to let me know. I don't have my sights set on anyone, but I'm ready to move on. Get ready men...here I am!

anxiety

This is a busy time of year for a lot of people, and this time my family falls in that category. I'm talking about graduation. My brother is graduating from high school tomorrow. By that I mean the formal ceremony takes place tomorrow night. He finished high school in January by means of "early graduation." So tomorrow afternoon we are having a cook out to celebrate. All week we have been spending a lot of time together because he was supposed to leave for the Marine Corps boot camp this Sunday. Yesterday that changed. His departure date has been pushed back to next month, so he's got a little more time at home. Anyway, I think everyone in my family has been keeping too close quarters because I'm feeling a lot of tension in my house. We all need to be on mood stabilizers I think. This is the first time this summer that my anxiety has flared up, which is pretty good since I normally get it 2-3 times a week. I haven't had any anxiety issues since final exams. My dad is upset that my brother's departure date got pushed back because now Thomas doesn't have a job and he can't make his car payments. That's obviously not good, and the tension from that disappointment is spreading. My dad has been ugly with me all day and I can't stand to be here. I just want to go lay on my couch and watch TV. Instead I am upstairs in my hot room wondering what I can do to avoid any and all contact with him. Yes, I am trying to avoid contact unless absolutely necessary. Unfortunately I can't get out of the house because we are going to dinner together tonight for Thomas. So that means at least an hour of jolly fun...if you could see me rolling my eyes right now you'd know how much I'm NOT looking forward to this. That's the problem with my family. If we spend too much time together or if something happens that makes one of us upset we all get involved and things start to look grim. Usually stuff is between me and my parents or just me and my dad. Occasionally it's my dad and brother. This time I'm an innocent bystander who's unfortunately getting pulled into the negativity of my dad's disappointment. It sucks but what can I do? I'm just doing the best I can by avoiding him right now. Hopefully this will blow over in a few days because I don't know how much more of this I can take. At least I go back to work on Monday and that will get me out of the house until the evening. Then I guess I'll just read my book upstairs or something if things are still tense.
Congratulations Thomas! I know it's great to finish high school. I hope things are better for our cookout tomorrow.
Until next time...

recovery room

I haven't posted in quite some time! My lack of blogging and other internet activities such as getting on Facebook or checking email is due to my gallbladder surgery. I did that last Thursday, May 28. I'm finally starting to feel better. Let me tell you, this surgery was not very difficult but it was no piece of cake either. It took place at 7:30 AM so I was glad I didn't have to wait all day and risk getting really nervous about it. I was in the recovery room by 8:45 AM. I got lots of pain medication and the anesthesia was killer. The one thing that was the hardest to get over other than the anesthesia was the gas they use to blow up your abdomen. They have to do that so they can see inside to remove the gallbladder. It's a laproscopic procedure, meaning that the doctor uses a tiny camera to see inside and remove the gallbladder. Fun stuff. So the gas is really hard to get over because you can't pass it. The tissues in your body have to reabsorb it, and in order to do that you have to get up and move around. I wasn't able to do that until about 6:30 PM the day of my surgery. After I got over the gas I was okay. The only one of my four small incisions that hurt or gave me any problems at all was the 1/2 inch one above my belly button. It looks the nastiest, it's the biggest, and that's the one my gallbladder was removed through. Aside from the incision stinging, there was a lingering pain in my right side where my gallbladder was missing and in my right shoulder. Apparently the air supply to the shoulder is along the same line as the diaphram and that gets all messed up when they do this specific operation. So my shoulder has been killing me and the pain in my side isn't great either. However, today is the first day I haven't woken up absolutely unable to move without crying out. I go back to work on Monday and I'm a little nervous, but ready. I don't know how my dad has managed to sit around the house for 7 months due to his foot. I'm already bored and I've only been here a week! I just thought I'd update on my surgery and say I'm doing okay. I have to finish getting ready. We're going to Sam's Club to get stuff for my brother's graduation cookout this weekend.
Until next time...

remembering the past

Getting married is something that I really want to do. I have no idea when or where that will happen, but if I had it my way I'd be tying the knot in about 3 or 4 years. When I think back on the early stages of my relationship with Chris I can't imagine ever finding a love like that again. We've made several attempts to resurrect some semblance of those feelings but it hasn't ever worked. We're just friends now, which is better for us because there's not so much pressure and we don't have to be "other people." However, I miss those crazy feelings and the thoughts of forever that we used to have. There was a time when I knew I wanted to marry him, to spend the rest of my days with Chris in a state of eternal bliss. Now I have no idea if someone that great will ever come along again. People say it's a once in a lifetime feeling that you get when you know someone is "the one." I thought he was, but apparently he's not, and I know I'm definitely not "the one" for him. When one sits and thinks about the past one of two things can happen. You can either be happy that you had those moments and be content with living with the memories, or you can get really sad and miss those days and wish that things would've been different. Regrets usually follow the latter of the two paths. I'm trying to make myself love the memories and know that it's not right for me to be with him. Most days I'm okay with that but there are some days when my wandering mind says otherwise. In the early stages of learning how to be single again your life can be rather difficult. Until I'm completely okay with everything I just want to lay low. I definitely don't want to make a fool of myself and ruin a friendship over these lingering feelings. Being friends with an ex can be hard but I've managed to make it work in the past. All I have to do now is rid myself of this baggage and move on completely. A little help would be nice.
Until next time...

horizontal

...or vertical.
Those are the only two positions that I'm comfortable in right now. I absolutely cannot sit down for a long period of time (more than a few minutes). I almost started crying while I was driving home for lunch because I was in so much pain. I rescheduled my consultation with the surgeon to next Tuesday with a different person, someone my family has worked with in the past and not some no-name doctor no one has heard of before. Somehow next Tuesday seems like a really long time away. I don't have any pain medication, but I had some Vicodin left over from when I had my gum surgery and I took one of those last night. It DID NOT help. If that gives you any indication of what kind of pain I'm in right now, you understand how much this sucks. If Vicodin can't fix it, what can?
So what I want to know is what exactly qualifies as an "emergency"? I would LOVE to get this thing taken care of ASAP and not have to wait so long. Tuesday's only the consultation, not even the surgery. I just hope someone has mercy on me and either gives me some really awesome pain medication or that my surgery will be next Wednesday. The only thing that sucks is that Chris's birthday is next Saturday and I would love to be able to enjoy that with him, but I can't do that if I'm in the hospital or still recovering from surgery. Oh well, I will just have to cross that bridge when I get to it. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Until next time...

gallstones

I had my ultrasound this morning and it turns out that I have gallstones. This means that I will have to have my gallbladder removed. I have a consultation with the surgeon next Thursday and then I'll schedule the surgery. Ultrasounds are really weird, by the way. I had always heard that the gel was cold, but the stuff used on me was warm. It was also kind of tingly. The little sensor thing that they move around on you is hard and uncomfortable, especially when it pushes on the thing that hurts (that would be my right side). Also you have to hold your breath for a few seconds which isn't really fun either because it's difficult to hold your breath while they're pushing on you. Overall it's a relatively painless procedure, but it's definitely strange. The sound the sensor makes feels really funny too. It kind of vibrates inside your body. I wonder what it's like to get one while pregnant? I suppose I'll find out in a few years. So for now I'm waiting and the pain in my side is dying down a little but not enough for me to be comfortable. I've found it's worse while I'm sitting. Well, I'm off to eat some (non-fattening) dinner and head out to the gym.
Until next time...

a pain in my side

This isn't a metaphor for something annoying, it's the real deal. Since 3AM I've had a sharp pain beneath my rib cage on my right side. You know what that means? Gallbladder issues. Fun stuff. Let me start with a little history. Last summer I would wake up in the middle of the night with really bad heartburn that made me feel like I was having a heart attack. After the pain in my chest would subside, an extremely painful stomach ache would follow, keeping me awake longer. There is no comfortable position to be in with this kind of stomach ache. You can't sit down, stand up, lay down, or do any combination of these positions because nothing helps. Eventually the cocktail of OTC medications (and sometimes one of my mom's prescription pills) would kick in and save me, letting me sleep. The pain ALWAYS went away within a few hours. In October though, I had one of these attacks at school. The heartburn was unbearable, but it finally passed, leaving me with a stomach ache that lasted all day. I couldn't go to class and I just slept until 3 in the afternoon when I finally felt okay. I was extremely nauseous and couldn't really move. I just laid down and tried to sleep. Since then I hadn't had an attack until last weekend. The heartburn was extremely bad as usual, but for some reason the pain lingered in my stomach. When it finally went away I felt strange for the rest of the day. These experiences culminated yesterday (Saturday) at about 7:30 PM. Chris and I went to enjoy a dinner at Rockola in Greensboro. After my extremely fattening dinner I noticed my stomach felt strange, but I just put it off as gas. It didn't go away and when I got home I took two Gas-X to relieve the pain and went to bed. At around 3 AM I wake up with the same dull but terrible aching in my stomach, this time the heartburn did not accompany the stomach pain. The more I moved, the worse it got. I took a ton of medicine and an hour later it still hadn't improved so I took some more. I was in and out of a sleeping state because I was in so much pain. I wriggled around on the bed and moaned because I couldn't do anything else. I told my mom and she said I needed to go to the emergency room. I called Chris and he came over to take me, but when we got there it was packed. The pain in my side had not gone away so I went to an urgent care center. I knew something was up with my gallbladder because my mom and aunt both had the same problems previously. I told the doctor my symptoms and he drew blood to check for an infection. No infection, but I have to get an ultrasound on my gallbladder in the morning. Until then I'm on an anti-inflammatory and something for the intense nausea I have. The pain in my side still persists, and it comes in waves of being really sharp and painful to dulling down. I have never had pain last this long in this area, and medicine has always worked up until today. The prescriptions I'm on make me extremely drowsy so I keep fighting to stay awake to type. I will probably have to have surgery to remove my gallbladder immediately so please pray for me. I've never had a procedure done like this before. The only surgery I've ever had was back in October on my gums so I'm really nervous. I can't even go to work in the morning since I'm having that ultrasound. We shall see, and I will definitely keep you guys posted. Please pray that things work out in the best way possible and that I can actually get some pain-free sleep tonight.

working girl

Yep, back to the grind. My first day back was Monday, a gray, rainy day. How amazing right? This summer I'm a floating teller so I get to move around instead of having a branch to go to everyday. This could be good or bad, I haven't decided yet. Although it will be nice to have a change of scenery every once in a while. On Monday I just got to observe to refresh my memory and I got sent to the branch I worked at last year (Westchester). It was fun to catch up with all my coworkers and also meet some new people. The customers are the same: either really grouchy or pretty nice. The coworkers are "all the same, but more bitter" as Geoff puts it. Tuesday I got to run a drawer after some brief review on Reg CC holds, fun stuff, I know. Today I just ran a drawer like usual. It's like riding a bike: once you've gotten the hang of it, it's very easy to pick up later. I'll be working at Westchester until next Friday when I'll switch to Eastchester. I have no idea what's in store for me after that. At least I'll get paid at the end of this month, though! I need that money for Chris's birthday and the huge tab I'm working up with him due to the fact that I am absolutely broke at the moment. So far so good though. I'm hoping that the summer and my job can only get better! I'm off to get ready for the gym now.
Until next time peeps!

layers

Another survey...

LAYER ONE: On the Outside--

Full Name: Sarah Elizabeth Murray
Birthday: January 22
School: UNC Chapel Hill
Major: English
Current Location: Home in High Point, NC
Eye Color: Bluish green
Hair Color: Blond (?)
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius


LAYER TWO: On the Inside--

Your Heritage: English, Native American
Your Fears: failure, being alone, tight spaces, death, airplanes (eesh)
Weakness: I'm too demanding
Goal(s): find someone to love me as I am, become a successful lawyer, be a better person
Regrets: Chemistry 101, 'nuff said.
Change one thing about your life: I wish I would've gone to private high school
Relieve Stress: work out, watch TV
Hardest thing ever dealt with: breaking up with someone who I'm in love with
What upsets you: jerks, rude people, inconsiderate people
Vent about something: Nothing really to get off of my chest, I just wish I had more time in the day to get things accomplished.

LAYER THREE: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow--

Your thoughts first waking up: It feels like I just went to sleep!
Your bedtime: around 10:30-11
Your most missed memory: last summer

LAYER FOUR: You’re picking--

Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
Single or Group dates: Single
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Neither, I'm a Luisiane girl
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee


LAYER FIVE: Do You--

Do Drugs: Nope
Have a crush: It's complicated
Think you've been in love: Yes
Want to get married: Yes
Believe in yourself: Usually

LAYER SIX: In the Past Month--

Drank alcohol: Yes
Gone to the mall: No
Eaten Sushi: No
Gone skating: No
Dyed your hair: No
Done something exciting: Not really


LAYER SEVEN: Have You Ever?--

Changed who you were to fit in: Not to fit in, but to be a better person in my relationship
Hid something from someone: Yes
Stole a note that you weren't tagged in: Haha yeah, good old Facebook...


LAYER EIGHT: Getting Old--

Age you're hoping to be married: In a few years, maybe 26 or so.
Age you're hoping to have children: Hopefully before 30, but not until I've been married for 3 years.
Want to travel to: Europe, California and NY again, Hawaii


LAYER NINE: Perfect Mate--

Best Eye Color: Blue or green
Best Hair Color: I seem to go for the darker hair
Short or Long Hair: Short to medium


LAYER TEN: What were you doing--

5 MINUTES AGO: Reading blogs
1 HOUR AGO: Counting my drawer at work
1 DAY AGO: Watching people count their drawers at work
1 YEAR AGO: Probably hanging out with someone or chilling during my last week off before work

LAYER ELEVEN: Finish the Sentence--

I Love: dogs
I Feel: neutral
I Hate: pain
I Hide: my true feelings
I Miss: childhood
I Need: more time

I've come to realize...

It's a survey:

1. I've come to realize that my family...can be quite dysfunctional.

2. I've come to realize that my hair...is pretty amazing.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...I can relax.

4. I've come to realize that I need...therapy.

5. I've come to realize that my heart...can heal from being broken.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...I have to be someone else before people will like/accept me.

7. I've come to realize that when I'm mad...I really want to cry.

8. I've come to realize that cash...rules everything around me (haha).

9. I've come to realize that certain people...make me extremely happy.

10. I've come to realize that I'll never be...a doctor, nurse, pharmacist, or anything I ever wanted to be when I was growing up (so sad).

11. I've come to realize that drugs...should be legalized.

12. I've come to realize that the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend...will still break your heart.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...has a tendency to pop its back off randomly.

14.I've come to realize when I woke up this morning...I wanted to sleep in.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...I was in a good mood.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...how life is so complicated.

17. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...I'm usually wasting time.

18. I've come to realize that yesterday...was far better than today.

19. I've come to realize that today...I finally let go.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...I am okay.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow...is a new day and it will only be what I make of it.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...make money so I can stop being worried about finances.

23.I've come to realize that my patience...keeps getting stronger.

24. I've come to realize that I love...being calm and anxiety-free.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...will be the end of my junk food and lazy days.

26. I've come to realize the best music to listen to...is whatever fits my mood.

27. I've come to realize that some friends...aren't really your friends after all.

28. I've come to realize that this year...will make or break me.

29. I've come to realize that I will always...love Chris, but in a different way than all my other exes.

30. I've come to realize that time...is the only way to heal.

the home stretch

Tomorrow is my last exam, and will arguably be my hardest by far. Not something I'm looking forward to. I'm planning on studying for it the rest of the afternoon so I can hopefully pass that class with a C or better. It's for my major so I need to get at least that, plus a B would be nice to make my GPA finally reach a 3.0. Here's a lesson for you guys out there: NEVER, and I mean NEVER, make an F in college. When I was a freshman in college I took Chemistry 101 because I thought I was going to be a pharmacist. Worst decision, ever. I made a B in Chem lab and a B on all of the homework assignments and quizzes in the lecture but when it came to the tests I never did well. My test grades for that class were 45, 11, and 16. No joke. I made a 52 on the final. Out of 200 possible points. Yep. That class kicked my butt and I don't really understand why I did so poorly on the tests, but I did and ended up with a big fat F in the class. I probably would've made an F- if that was possible. So yeah, I spent the rest of my college career trying to pull my GPA back up to a good, round number. So my lesson that I've learned is: if you don't think that you can pass a class, drop it. Don't be afraid. I've done that twice since I made that F. Never again will I take a class that is too hard for me to perform well in. Tomorrow afternoon I'll be a senior! I can't believe my time in college has gone by so fast. Soon it'll be time for me to hit the pavement and look for a job. Wow, scary! Now if I could only get my love life under control...then I'd be in the money.
Until next time...

optimism

Staying optimistic is usually the way to go in most situations, at least that's what I've experienced in the past. There are just so many things going on in my life right now that if I let them overtake me, they could. Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and let myself be overwhelmed...I guess you could call these my "bad days." I think everyone has good and bad days. Even though the bad days are less than pleasant, we need them to keep us balanced. So through this time of anger, resentment, stress, unhappiness, unsettling, and heartbreak, I'm trying to remain optimistic. I know that as with all other unpleasant things in life, this too shall pass. My emotions are just a bunch of jumbled thoughts right now so I could be happy one moment and angry the next. I'm hoping to sort this out soon so I can get back to normal. Therapy anyone?

damn, here we go again

So you know that quote from Austin Powers that's like "I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle." I'm starting to think that all things in life can fall into the "vicious cycle" category. This post isn't about eating though, it's more along the lines of relationship issues (wow, totally surprised you there didn't I?). Okay so I think it's over this time? I'm not going to fight it anymore because I don't have the strength, energy, will, time, or emotional capacity to put myself through any more of this. Maybe we're better as friends. I can tell myself that, but what do I do with the lingering feelings, the emotional baggage that comes along with a relationship's end? I've never been this way about anyone before and so it's hard for me to know what to do. I really don't have the time to commit to this right now seeing as I have exams and moving out to worry about and it just really irritates me how a guy can go from telling you that he's had the best day of his life with you to saying that you don't care about his feelings and that there isn't much of anything good to say about you. That's a real insult if you ask me, but like I said I'm trying not to let it bother me/get to me. I'll have to deal with this stuff at a later time. So yeah, vicious cycle: we're on then we're off, we love each other then we hate each other, he's sweet then he's an ass, we have three awesome days then we have one bad day and it darkens everything. Stick that on repeat and that's how my life's been going for the past year. Pleasant huh? When will I find that proverbial "Mr. Right" so I don't have to fret about this stuff anymore? No one ever said love was easy but damn, I think I've been through enough already!
Until next time kids...

top ten list #2

My Top 10 Favorite Things to Do During the Summer

10. Drink Starbucks on the patio
09. Watch butterflies flutter on the flowers
08. Walk barefoot in the grass
07. Take a ride to the NC mountains
06. Lay out on the beach
05. Stay out late and sleep in on the weekends
04. Ride around aimlessly on sunny days
03. Relax in the pool
02. Watch the fireflies
01. Stand outside and trace the constellations at midnight with Chris :)

last day of class!

Today is the last day of class- Halle-FREAKIN-lujah! Last night I stayed up until 2:15 AM writing my paper, which happened to be a little short (12 pages including works cited), but that's okay. I stayed at home so I had to get up at 6:45 AM to come back to school. My parents drove me back so that was nice. I'm a little woozy, but other than that I'm doing fine. Now all I have to do is work on revising (I decided to do this instead of writing 2 more chapters) my young adult novel, then turning that in at 5 today. Then I am home free! Until exams, anyway. So my exam schedule looks like this:

Thursday, April 30 at 4 PM: 18th century novel
Monday, May 4 at 12 PM: Growing up Latino
Wednesday, May 6 at 8 AM: Lit of the later Renaissance

Only three exams this semester, but I think I deserve it. I've had a lot in the past and this semester has been really good at kicking my butt. I am going home on May 6 and will not come back to Chapel Hill until August! YAY! Next year I have a whole lot of other things to worry about, like applying to law school and such, but I'll burn that bridge when I get to it! Right now I'm just really excited that I don't have much else to do except rest and study, and pack of course (blaaaah). Oh well. Off to do my revisions.
Happy Monday :)

what am I waiting for?

So, it's Sunday. 12 page paper's due tomorrow morning at 10 AM. How much is done? Umm...maybe half a page. Yeah. I've been trying to get something on my Word document but I have no inspiration. I'm just so burned out from everything and ready to get this year over with. BUT I have to do this paper. If I don't I will fail the class and it's one of my major classes so that wouldn't be good at all. I have plans with Chris today so after those I will probably try to write a little more. But you know what, at this point I'm feeling helpless. I know I'm going to be up late tonight which really bugs me, and this thing has been hanging over me the whole weekend so it's been hard to enjoy myself. I really wish I'd gotten on the ball sooner and done this thing last week so I'd be finished. Also I have to write two more chapters of my young adult novel due tomorrow at 5 PM, but I'll just do that during my break tomorrow afternoon. I'm not too worried about it to say the least. Whatever.

It's also really hard to concentrate on your school work when you have relationship issues. I keep trying so hard everyday, not giving up, and it just doesn't seem to be working like it used to. I can no longer blame myself for this, but that doesn't make it any easier on me at all. I love him so much and I don't want to lose him again. That was hard enough the first time. I guess I have to leave it up to fate, que sera, sera, right?
Any ideas for the hopeless romantic inside of me?

I have to go get ready now so I suppose I'll update at another time telling you how late I stayed up. BLAH. Until [a zombie-like state induced post] next time...

with thoughts of failure sinking in...

Yeah, so, I've got TONS (and I'm not exaggerating) of work to do before Monday. Two papers, two more chapters of my young adult novel, and I have to revise my semester research paper for my law class and submit it to a journal before 1:45 PM today. WOW. I'm in total freak out mode right now, but for some reason I can't seem to get the motivation to do anything. I got up at 8:20 (way early for me on a Thursday) and I've gotten some revisions done but now I have to change all of my MLA citations to Chicago Style because that's what the journal requires. I thought there was a function in Microsoft Word that made citations for you, but apparently that's only for the 2007 version and I'm still using 2003 which is straight out of the Jurassic period as far as computers are concerned :(. So now I'm pouring over my St. Martin's Handbook trying to figure out how to do Chicago, a style I've never used before. All this is killing me! Add some relationship issues to the mix and you've got a recipe for disaster. When your boyfriend tells you that "he doesn't feel a connection with you anymore" what exactly does that mean? Couples connect on different levels and each level is specific to the relationship. I have to figure out a way to fix this because I CANNOT lose him again. This I know for certain. Anyway, if I don't head out and start getting this work done: a) the title of this blog will become true to my academics and stop being just a Linkin Park lyric, and b) I won't be able to enjoy my fabulous weekend. In short, I better PEACE.
Until next time...

nights in Chapel Hill

Last night I went out to a club on Franklin Street which is appropriately (and cleverly) named The Library. I went with Lucy and a group of other people and we had a great time. After they played the opening 10 seconds of "Bye, Bye, Bye" at 2 AM, we got shoved out the door by a Chapel Hill Police officer and commenced to roam Franklin Street. Immediately outside of the club, none other than Wayne Ellington (basketball player extraordinaire) runs up to Lucy and they start talking and walking off from the group. By this time I was like "what the heck?" because I'd never seen a basketball player of so much fame just come up to a girl like that and start talking to her. After they were finished talking, we decided to follow him across the street to a wrap restaurant called [B]-Skis. Inside the restaurant we saw Ty Lawson! Then outside on Franklin we saw former basketball player Quintin Thomas. This night couldn't get any better. And to make things clear on how much of a cocky person Wayne Ellington is, he was wearing a chain that said "Wayne's World." Ha ha. Nice one. So of course there are pictures on Facebook with Lucy and my friend Fiorda posing with Q and Wayne, and Ty with his hat pulled down over his face (classy Ty). What a great night. We finally hit the sack around 3:15 AM. I don't think I've ever had that much fun on a Saturday night here. This has to happen more often. Well, off to attempt to read Pride and Prejudice and start writing my paper on witchcraft. I can't believe it's the last week of class! Hallelujah!
Until next time...

stir crazy

If I'm forced to stay inside all day, no matter where I am, I get really restless. Some sort of primal urge inside of me makes me want to go outside and do things. I love riding around aimlessly in cars, strolling around Target, and spending time with the people I care about most. I hate being cooped up in my house or wherever all day. It's so confining. Right now I'm looking out of my window and I see gorgeous sunshine, blue sky, and green tree leaves. I want to be out there, but I'm going to be inside most of the day trying to pack some things up and send them home. It's that time of year again when I have to stuff all of my accumulated belongings into boxes and send them home to sit in my attic and underneath my bed until the fall. I hate moving out of my dorm because I always have way more things than I thought I had and packing is never fun. Plus, I get to come home to a bedroom filled with boxes and hardly any space for me to walk. I'm hoping to get this taken care of earlier this year, though. I have to start working on May 11 and my first day home is May 6, so it'd be nice if I had a little space to get ready for work and all. I can't believe it's the end of the semester already! It's like these things creep up on you and you have no way of getting out alive. After packing I have to do work and write some papers and things, which I'm sure will be a joyous experience (did you catch the sarcasm?). I went to Davis Library yesterday and loaded up with some books to help me write a 12-15 page paper (yikes!). That's definitely going to make me restless to say the least. Add that to rereading Pride and Prejudice and you've got a recipe for disaster. Luckily I'm going out tonight so I won't get too stir crazy. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. I have to go get ready now, so until next time crazy kids!

love is hard

Recently one of my friends was trying to get into a relationship, but it ended up not working out. I myself understand how hard it can be to have a meaningful, long-lasting, and somewhat successful relationship. But the thing is, you have to realize that if the relationship isn't working out, then that means you're not with the right person. I know how difficult it can be to be rejected by someone you have feelings for, and yeah it sucks, but honestly if that person is being a jerk to you, why do you want to be with them? That is also something that's really hard to explain. One day you'll open your eyes though and see the situation how it really is. To my friend who couldn't get his relationship off the ground: you didn't need her anyway. She is silly, immature, and obviously incapable of accepting the fact that someone CAN be JUST FRIENDS with their ex. I know you realize these facts, but it just helps to have someone on your side. I know you'll find someone who cares about you one of these days, so don't get so down on yourself. Despair is not attractive (and neither is being emo). So keep your head held high and give it some time. Love is hard. But in the end, it's totally worth it.

heaven, thy name is IKEA

Yesterday Chris and I wandered down to Charlotte to go to the most amazing home furnishings store I've ever seen: IKEA. I'm really glad that I don't have any money because if I did we would've loaded Chris's car up with a bunch of stuff! They have so many cute/interesting things that I would love to own. I did buy a small pink lamp that's for mood lighting. It's a little globe with a bulb inside, but the glass is pink and has hibiscus flowers etched onto it. It casts a soft pink glow and looks really pretty in my room. IKEA is huge. It has it's own road off of I-85. Inside, you start upstairs in the furniture showroom, which is beautiful. It has a bunch of different rooms with all the furniture and lighting and accessories labeled. You write down the numbers of the pieces you like and then go into the marketplace. Inside the marketplace are the small things like fixtures, kitchen accessories, bedding, lighting, etc. Then you go into the self-serve furniture place which looks like a huge Lowe's Home Improvement. Basically you grab the furniture you like for yourself and then you go pay. An interesting thing about IKEA is that they have two places for you to grub down while you visit. The first is the restaurant on the second floor. They have a few dishes like pasta, chicken fingers, and sandwiches. All range in price from about $1.99-$4.99. Downstairs after you check out there's a place to grab wraps or salads and also a place to get hot dogs. Chris and I shared the two hot dogs, chips, and a soda combo and it only put us out $2.50! That's another bonus to this wonderful place: IT'S CHEAP!!! I'm not talking about just the food. In the showroom they had whole rooms in which all the furniture was less than $2,000. It is really beautiful stuff and I'm sure it's well-made. Everything is imported from Sweden and none of it was overpriced. My little lamp was only $6.99 and the bulbs were $2.99 for a 2 pack. My mom was buying a similar bulb for my brother's desk lamp a few weeks ago at Wal-Mart and she had to pay $2.52 for just ONE. Unbelievable. If you ever find yourself in Charlotte, definitely visit IKEA. I know I'll be going back when I have some money, and I'll most certainly register myself there when I get married!

bored

It's Easter weekend so I'm home quite early. Let's just say that I'm sitting in my room bored. I'm looking around trying to find something, anything to do, but nothing comes to mind. I was supposed to go to the mountains tomorrow with Chris but the weather is going to be crappy. Now we're trying to find something else to do and that's not an easy task. Where can you go for a day that's as beautiful as the waterfalls in the North Carolina mountains? I can't think of one place I'd love to visit. Instead of just sitting here like a bump on a log I think I'm going to clean my room. It needs dusting and straightening so I suppose I could do that.
One a different note, I've got three major summer plans that I'd like to share...
1. Build a butterfly garden- I've always wanted to do this. Butterflies are really pretty and I think our house could use some sprucing up on the floral end.
2. Take the LSAT- Time to apply for law schools is rapidly approaching! June 8th is the day I need to do the LSAT so I can start visiting and shelling out money and time into applications.
3. Get in shape- I love to work out, so there's no reason why I can't eat better too. I really need to try to look my best and also get healthy so I won't have so many problems when I'm older.
Well, that's all I have for today. I guess I'm going to go get the Pledge and start doing a little spring cleaning *gag*.
Until next time, kids!

we are the champions!

So last night my school won the NCAA Championship! WOW! I wasn't feeling well enough to join the celebration so I watched the game in my room. Once the news came on and showed pictures of Franklin Street littered with people jumping over bonfires I was glad I wasn't out there! But either way it was all fun, and I'm glad that we are #1 and I was at least in Chapel Hill when it happened.
Congrats Tar Heels!

aches & pains

I'm no stranger to having my body hurt all the time, but this just really takes the cake. Apparently part of this sickness that I'm still trying to get over includes muscle aches. The area around my knees is the worst, and a close second is my lower back. Add my neck, ankles, and shoulders in and you've got the whole package. I can't even walk or stand up for very long so it makes doing any kind of activity unbearable. Example, last night I was bringing my things back up to my dorm room from my car and I swear I almost passed out. It felt like all the air had been sucked out of my body and my muscles couldn't function or something. I felt extremely weak. Then my legs started getting jittery (for lack of a better way to explain the sensation) and I felt like I was outside of my body. I have no idea how to describe this stuff because it's unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I'm really not liking this because tonight is the NCAA Championship Game and I would love to go out and watch it with my friends. I thought I'd be better by tonight, but my condition has not improved since this morning. In fact I'm pretty sure I've gotten worse. I was doing some homework in the basement of my dorm this afternoon and when I got up to come back to my room I could barely make it up the stairs. I have no idea how I'm going to walk to class, let alone make it outside for the game tonight. I'm really sad because this is one of those events that only happens every so often. My question is why do I still have to be sick? I'm starting to think that I may have mono...
Perhaps yet another trip to the doctor is in my near future.
That aside,
LET'S GO HEELS!!!! :D

rainy days

They aren't good for the emotionally distressed. But alas, it is April, so that means probably about 20 more days of this stuff, interspersed with a few sunny days here and there. April was never my favorite month. I'd have to say that May probably is, just because it's not too hot yet and there are lots of flowers to make me smile. I've always wanted to get married in May, and I hope that will pan out for me one day.
Another thing I hate about rain is that it makes my hair and face look disgusting. My hair is so fine that it frizzes with any chance of humidity, and on rainy days it's just a huge fuzzball. My face on the other hand just feels extremely greasy and I also sweat a lot because of the moisture in the air. When I get out of school I'm going to have to move somewhere outside of the south so I don't have all this humidity pushing down on me all the time.
Also, rain makes me feel extremely unproductive. Today, for example, I don't have class at all so I'm trying to get started on using the day to practice for the LSAT and get my weekend homework done. All I want to do though is watch Sex and the City. I guess I'll have to make sure to push myself really hard to get things done. Perhaps my inability to be productive stems from the fact that I'm not exactly in the best of moods either. The person who I love more than anything has a tendency to break my heart even if we're not together. Breaking up is tough, but I'll get over it. It's only been two weeks right? I can handle it, but the thing that sucks is that when you have a heavy heart it only weighs you down more, making it hard to get focused on anything other than the matter at hand.
In other news, why is it so hot in my dorm room? Our thermostat seems to be messed up. The black line is pointing to 70, which is what we want it to be on, but for some reason the red line is at 75 and pointing at a weird angle. This has got to stop...blah.
Okay, off to get some work done. Hopefully I'll see the sun in a few days...:-\

it's gone

I can't do this anymore.
I've been okay until now, when I know it's not ever going to work out. All I can do is say I'm sorry for the past and let it die.
Why does love have to be so difficult?
"Take the pain out of love, and love won't exist." -The Academy Is...

top ten list #1

In lieu of blogging, I'm going to make a top ten list every now and then. This is the first one of the series (hence the title!):

Top Ten Favorite Moments with Chris

10. Peeps Jousting
9. My first ride in his 350Z
8. Visiting the Coke Museum in Atlanta
7. Weekend beach trip last June
6. One Year Anniversary at The Melting Pot
5. Parasailing in Florida
4. Spontaneous car dancing to Kanye West's "Bad News"
3. Trip to Looking Glass Falls
2. Our first kiss on February 29, 2008
1. The first time he held my hand in the car <3

"smoke it like a peace pipe, as they say"

The title of this blog is what the nurse at the doctor's office told me on Saturday.
Remember how I wrote about me being sick for almost a month? Well the month of me being sick is official today, March 29.
Yesterday, I went to the doctor again for a second opinion. I saw a different doctor this time, thank God. I can't stand my family doctor. That's a story for another post though. Anyways, I was diagnosed with both a sinus infection and a respiratory infection. I walked out of there loaded up with prescriptions. Before they would let me leave, I had to take a peak flow test and when I didn't blow enough air on that test I had to get a breathing treatment. That's where the quote comes from. And while I was sitting there, "smoking my peace pipe," I was thinking about how crappy I've felt in the last month. It's been never ending, and something new each week. Here is a list of the medications I'm currently taking to fight these infections:
1. Inhaler, for my lungs (I'm extremely wheezy/short of breath)
2. Prednisone, for the inflammation in my lungs
3. Amoxicillin (antibiotic, I have to take 3000 mg/day of this stuff!)
4. A prescription eye drop (my eyes are also infected)
5. Mucinex D, for the sinus congestion
6. Saline nasal spray so I can actually breathe
These six medications are in addition to the antibiotic I already take daily for my acne, as well as the birth control pills I'm on. I really hope that I get better soon because one month is a really long time to be sick. Plus, with all that medicine, there's no reason why I shouldn't be feeling better! I'll keep updating on my condition, but now it's time for a little shut eye!
Until next time...

you're haunting me

I always try to have no regrets. Sometimes that doesn't work out in my favor at all. It's so easy to regret the past and mistakes you have made or things you have done that were less than stellar. It always seems that when you go through a rough breakup you sit and think about all the things that went wrong and how you can fix them. Sometimes this is possible, but most times it is not. So why worry about it? I keep telling myself that things will get better. Emotionally, I've been okay, up until last night when I found out my ex had started talking to his girlfriend prior to me. I guess they were in love, but I don't really know much about their relationship. It just bothers me that he would start talking to her again so soon after we went our separate ways. I guess the thing that bugs me most is that I can't control the situation. I have no say in what goes on in his life anymore. Not that I ever wanted to control every aspect of every thing we did together or make his decisions for him, but I could at least say "I don't like that." If we were dating still, I wouldn't have a problem with him talking to her. I trust him. I know that he'd never do anything to compromise our relationship like that. I suppose I'm bothered because I feel threatened. If we were to work something out, then I would feel like she could get in the way. Or maybe I feel like he'll stop talking to me because he wants her back, then he'll have the dream that I wanted. I wanted to marry him, you know. To live in that big house and have a little family, be happy everyday, and just love him. I don't want someone else to have him like that, but I have to confront these feelings so I can let go. That's what I need, is to let him go.

viruses are gross

I'm not one to complain about being sick, but damn! I've been sick for almost a month now and it's driving me insane. It all started when Chris got some sort of nasty viral infection, then passed it on to me (accidentally of course). We were both really sick and miserable and pathetic looking while driving down to Florida. You should've seen us, taking our Robitussin every 4 hours, endlessly sucking on cough drops, and blowing our noses with the huge box of tissues we bought before we left.
When we left Florida, Chris got way worse and I was on the mend. He started taking antibiotics, which were ineffective for awhile, then miraculously he got better. I, on the other hand, got sick again, just like he did! I went to the doctor and all I got was some lousy cough medicine (lol). Now we're both suffering from scratchy, sore throats, and mine kind of burns a little. I really don't think this junk is ever going to go away, but I guess that's what viruses do to you. Here's hoping we both get better soon! It sucks to be sick, especially with allergies right around the corner. It's a vicious cycle.

reality check

I've used this term in life before...a lot. But only recently have I actually experienced one for myself. Actually, I've had quite a few of these pleasant little glimpses into who I really am (note the sarcasm). So to give you a little background on this entry, my boyfriend and I are breaking up for good this time. We've tried and tried to make it work and the fact is, we just don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of issues and a smooth, argument-free relationship isn't possible at this point in our lives. Yes, I love him, but I have to move on, or at least take a break from guys in general for a little while. All of this can be hard to handle, but we're mutually splitting so that makes the situation so much easier for me. There haven't been any late-night tears or lost sleep because I made an important decision: I'd rather have him in life as a friend than not at all. He knows this and has been very generous to me and my emotions for the past couple of days. For that, I thank him. He's such a sweet guy, which makes me even happier to have been with him for the year that he decided to put up with me.

So now, on to the reality checks.
#1: Saturday at breakfast, my dad says "The better you treat people, the more they screw you over." Now, it is important to understand that overall my dad is a pretty cynical guy. He said this comment in reference to an event unrelated to my break up. But as he said that, I realized that my boyfriend has called me out on this before. It really hit me hard, and that set off the chain reaction of more and more reality checks coming my way.

#2: I'm not always right. I have professed to realizing this about myself before, but never to this degree. I don't really have an example to go along with this, but just know that I have a deeper understanding of this fact now.

#3: People have different ways of doing things. I definitely have mentioned this here before too, but now I've also got a better grasp on this truth. Example: Chris likes to sleep in on the weekends, as most people do. My definition of sleeping in is waking up between 9:30 and 10:00 (rarely do I sleep past 9:30, though). That's because since I was 16 I've been getting up early to go to my jobs on Saturday and Sunday. Therefore, sleeping in to me is what some people consider early for them. Chris loves to catch up on his sleep until 12 in the afternoon. I've criticized him for this many times because I'm too selfish to let him rest. I'm jealous of his bed, to be honest. That may sound silly, but I want to spend time with him, all the while sacrificing his sleep which is vital to his lifestyle. Just because I do something one way does not mean that other people should have to do them the same way.

Looking at myself this way is really an eye-opening experience. Some of the things aren't so pleasant, but once you start realizing who you really are, you can be more understanding about the way others perceive you. I was wondering why these things never come at any opportune moments, but I guess that's why they're called "reality checks." As Lucy put it, it's a sign of maturity and I should be glad to have them.
I guess I am.
I'm learning what it feels like to have no one to blame but myself.

my dad

Today my dad is having foot surgery for an injury he sustained back in November. From what I understand, they are going to be taking bone from his ankle, inserting it into the break, and then putting a screw in his foot. That doesn't sound like much fun. I hope that he heals up pretty well though, so he can go back to work. He hasn't worked since the second week in November and that's really hurting my family's finances, which were already strained to begin with. So if you read this, please just keep him in your prayers. He needs a full, speedy recovery so that he can start living his life again. He's been cooped up in our house since he hasn't been at work because he's not allowed to put any weight on his foot. He's had to get around on crutches and I'm sure that's annoying too. Just remember him today.

Thanks!

economic protection

With the economy continuing it's downward spiral, sales are going down, businesses are failing, people are losing their jobs. It sucks. But there most be one thing that's prospering despite the crappy value of the dollar. Anyone venture to guess what it is? I was thinking, and my idea is that of all things, condoms are probably experiencing great sales right now. I mean, think about it. Who would want to bring a child into this economy? I'm sure having a baby is something that's not a popular idea at this point in time, so people are taking extra precautions. It's kind of like the reverse Baby Boomer effect...times were good when all of the men came back from World War II and so bunches of babies started to spring up everywhere. Now, times are in the toilet so people are trying to prevent the (I hate to say this...) extra expense of supporting another child. Has anyone confirmed this with the recent birth rates?

I'm not saying this is exactly true, but it's just another thing I was throwing around my head. I do that on occasion in order to block thoughts of other things out.

What do you think???

Oh, and Happy Ash Wednesday. What are you giving up?

kellogg's v. brown

So, I rarely take to my blog twice a day (I think this is the first time), but I just HAVE to write about this. I've been keeping quiet about it for a few days now, but after reading this article on Perez Hilton, I just had to make the comparison.

Okay, a few weeks ago, this picture of Michael Phelps smoking a bong hit the internet. After everyone was exposed to that, Phelps lost pretty much all of his endorsements, which is extremely understandable. One of the companies Phelps did ads for was Kellogg's, and they dropped him like a hot potato (excuse the cliche)! Now a lot of people (and some I know personally) are boycotting Kellogg's because of this. In my opinion, that's a bunch of crap. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with people smoking weed. If you want to do that, it's your call and it's fine with me. However, what I do have a problem with is people who are supposed to be international role models smoking weed in pictures. If you're going to engage in such behavior, do it at home, behind closed doors, where people can't snap camera phone pictures and sell them to the tabloids. Kellogg's has every right to drop their endorsement if they feel as though Phelps is not representing their company's image. How much do they pay this guy? I'm willing to bet that it's at least five figures. If they don't agree with Phelps taking a huge hit off a bong, they can nullify their contracts and that's that. The same thing goes on the smaller scale. If someone you had working in your house, say a maid, a gardener, a babysitter, whoever it may be, and they were caught smoking weed, wouldn't you fire them? These aren't the kind of people who you would want working for your family, and by association representing you in public. A lot of people are arguing that it's stupid that marijuana is illegal, and that's why they're boycotting Kellogg's. Okay, you're right. It is stupid that marijuana is illegal, but the fact is IT'S STILL ILLEGAL! What Michael Phelps did was an illegal activity. Kellogg's does not want someone who participates in illegal activities representing their company. They terminated his contract. End of story. Also, I wonder how many people realize that Kellogg's sells a lot more than cereal. So here's a list of Kellogg's brands for those of you partaking in the boycott: Keebler, Pop-Tarts, Eggo, Cheez-It, Club, Nutrigrain, Rice Krispies, All-Bran, Special K, Mini-Wheats, Chips Deluxe, Sandies, Morningstar Farms, Famous Amos, and Murray.
I'm sure you've noticed that the list is pretty comprehensive. Good luck going to the grocery store and actually being able to buy something. If you're still eating and purchasing any of these foods when you said you were boycotting Kellogg's brands, I'm going to have to call you out as a big hypocrite. Either put down the Pop-Tart or shut up.

Next topic: Chris Brown beating up Rihanna.

The article I posted about Chris Brown losing all of his radio plays, endorsements, fans, etc. sparked an interest in comparing the two. What Chris Brown did to Rihanna is way more serious than Michael Phelps enjoying some reefer. You can't just physically assault someone like that and get away with it. I've already blogged about that though, so if you're interested in my take on the situation you should go read it. So after my disclaimer on the seriousness of this situation, I'd like to say that both Phelps and Brown are celebrities. They both did something illegal. Both are being punished with dropped endorsements, lost fans, and boycotts. This may be an obvious question, but why are people not getting upset about Chris Brown's lost reputation? Part of my nature is to be controversial, so after you over the initial shock of my question, just think about it. A crime is a crime. Punishment usually follows crime. Both men are being punished. Logically, this follows. Phelps is getting a slap on the wrist compared to what Brown is getting. He's not even being arrested or charged with anything, while other people involved in drug usage that night are! We complain about celebrities getting paid so much for "doing nothing" anyway, so why is it upsetting to a good number of the population that Phelps is being dropped by companies left and right? He no longer represents what they stand for. Whereas, if radio stations kept playing Chris Brown's songs, people would go nuts. DJs and fans don't support a woman-beating bastard such as Brown is, and since this is looked down on in the public eye, people are okay with him losing his fame or whatever you may say is happening to him. All I'm trying to say is that Michael Phelps no longer represents the companies that used to endorse him because of his drug usage. Chris Brown is no longer someone most people want to support because of what he did to his girlfriend. So why is it right to drop Chris Brown but not Michael Phelps? Think about it. To me, that is not a logical argument because, as I stated above, both have misrepresented their sponsors in the public eye. Sure, one crime was way worse than the other, but again, BOTH COMMITTED CRIMES!

Before I publish this, I'd like to re-state that I in no way, shape, or form support Chris Brown laying his hands on Rihanna. What he did was terrible and I, along with many others, will not stand for such behavior.
That said, I leave you something to chew on...

missing you

After going so long without speaking, I feel as though it will be hard to readjust/weird. Maybe it'll be like the beginning of our relationship, who knows? All that I know is I miss you lots and lots and more and more each day that goes by and I don't hear your voice. I can't even remember what it sounds like, really. And when I look at pictures of you, it's like I'm looking at a stranger. It's all too much for me to comprehend sometimes.
Two weeks doesn't seem that long, but go without speaking and you'll see that it is. You miss so much in each others' lives and it's like you have to relearn everything about them. My memory keeps getting foggier concerning things like his personality, the things he said to me before we stopped talking, the way he looks when he's mad. I'm beginning to forget all the bad, so I hope I won't be disappointed. It's melting away, drying up, hopefully it'll stay that way.
There isn't a second that goes by that I don't think about you and how it'll be in just four days when we talk again. My greatest fear is that I'll tell you how much I've missed you and you'll tell me that you haven't missed me at all. I'm having nightmares about it.
I love you...don't let this love fade away.

busy week

I have so much due this week that it's not even funny! There are always a few weeks in the semester where things happen to creep up on you and you've completely forgotten about them--or set them off to the side and not thought about them since they were assigned. This week is not going to be fun...and then I have a 7-9 page paper due next Monday, along with another writing assignment, and a presentation next Tuesday. WOW! Can you say STRESS??? I usually try not to let things bother me. I just do them (or don't do them until the last minute!) and let it be done. Stress sucks. It makes your face break out, your stomach ache, and your nerves jitter. Anywho, if I don't post for a few days, you know what's up. I'm buried under a pile of books and papers and won't be coming out for the foreseeable future. Thankfully, Spring Break is right around the corner. Goodbye UNC, hello St. Petersburg, Florida!

iTunes games

As a change of pace from my normal moody/pensive blogging, here are a few games played with iTunes. Enjoy!
PS: I restarted the shuffle every time I started a new survey, hence the repetition of some songs.


****#1****

Open up your iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarrassing the responses might be.

How many songs total: 400
How many hours or days of music: 1.1 days

Sort by song title
First Song: Aeroplane (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Last Song: The 4th Branch (Immortal Technique)

Sort by time
Shortest Song: Intro (Kanye West) at 19 seconds
Longest Song: Last Call (Kanye West) at 12:41

Sort by album
First album: All That We Needed (Plain White Ts)
Last album: 80s Collection (Frankie Smith)

Top Five Most Played Songs
1. Redemption Song (Bob Marley)
2. One Love (Bob Marley)
3. Sugar, We're Going Down (Fall Out Boy)
4. Over My Head (The Fray)
5. I Belong to Me (Jessica Simpson)

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Paris in Flames (Thursday)

Search the following and state how many songs come up
Death - 4
Life - 12
Love - 11
Hate - 2
You - 41
Sex - 3
________



****#2****

IF YOUR LIFE WERE A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here’s how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie!

Opening Credits: Mad World (Gary Jules)

Waking Up: One Mic (Nas) [haha Lucy, this is meant to be for you!]

First Day At School: Everything We Had (The Academy Is...)

Falling In Love: Ave Maria (Pavarotti)

Fight Song: Hey There Delilah (Plain White T's) [really?!?! lol]

Prom: Hey Jealousy (Gin Blossoms)

Life’s OK: Promiscuous (Nelly Furtado) [hahahaha]

Mental Breakdown: Smoke Two Joints (Sublime) [well...I guess that one fits]

Driving: Sun Is Shining (Bob Marley) [okay, this one definitely works here!]

Flashback: Miss Murder (AFI)

Getting Back Together: Yellow (Coldplay) [awww...makes me want to cry]

Birth of Child: Your Body is a Wonderland (John Mayer) [would fit better BEFORE the child!]

Wedding: Broken (Seether feat. Amy Lee) [haha, nice]

Final Battle: Real World (Matchbox 20)

Death Scene: Neighbors (The Academy Is...)

Funeral Song: I Don't Love You (My Chemical Romance) [wow...]

End Credits: Every Morning (Sugar Ray) [ballin!!!]
________



****3****

1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds.

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Broken (Seether feat. Amy Lee) [this one keeps coming up...]

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
My Humps (Black Eyed Peas) [spot on! lol!]

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
I'd Do Anything (Simple Plan) [freaky.]

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Everything I Am (Kanye West)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Nobody's Home (Avril Lavigne)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Deep Inside of You (Third Eye Blind) [interesting]

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Beautiful (Nick Lachey) [awww...]

WHAT DO YOU OFTEN THINK ABOUT?
Low (Flo-Rida) [haha...yep I loves me some Apple Bottom Jeans!]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Slow Motion (Third Eye Blind)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Yellow (Coldplay)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
What's Your Fantasy (Ludacris) [apparently I want to be a stripper because when I did this survey on Facebook another sexy song came up!]

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I Shot the Sheriff (Bob Marley) [haha, kinda]

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Intro (Kanye West) [wow....really inappropriate]

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
One Week (Barenaked Ladies) [hahahaha yep]

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Wrong Idea (Snoop Dogg) [not sure what to make of this one]

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
What I Got (Sublime) [you try to figure it out!]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
On Your Own (Nick Lachey) [well...that's kind of depressing]

WHAT IS YOUR NICKNAME?
Graduation Day (Kanye West)
________



****4****

TO TAKE THIS SURVEY, SIMPLY PUT YOUR MUSIC PLAYER ON SHUFFLE -
- AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS WITH THE TITLE OF THE SONG THAT COMES ON -
[it's better if you don't cheat and don't skip any songs.]

What is your name? Or what should your name be?
Doin' Time (Sublime)

How is your life going?
Jesus Walks (Kanye West)

What is your nickname?
Sex and Candy (Marcy Playground) [ohhh yesss]

What is your theme song?
Tha Shiznit (Snoop Dogg) [well, that pretty much describes me :P]

What is your best friend's theme song?
Sleeping In (The Postal Service) [nice song :)]

How is your life going to turn out?
Smoke Two Joints (Sublime) [Gosh, I really hope not!]

Will you get married?
Buffalo Soldier (Bob Marley)

Will you have kids?
Every Time (Britney Spears) [haha, that's reassuring!]

What will your job be?
Slow Down (The Academy Is...) [sweet, I don't have to worry about that for awhile]

Did you/will you finish school?
I Don't Give a Damn (Avril Lavigne) [lmao!]

Who is your best friend?
Deep Inside of You (Third Eye Blind)

Who is or will be your significant other?
Hanging by a Moment (Lifehouse) [aww...love this song]

Who do you like?
I'd Do Anything (Simple Plan)

How will you die?
I Will Buy You A New Life (Everclear) [judging by the band, by drinking too much lol]

How do you feel right now?
One Mic (Nas) [whaaaat?]

What is your favorite song?
The Cause of Death (Immortal Technique) [not my fav, but pretty good]

How could you describe your parents?
At Last (Etta James)

Your best friend[s]?
Swagger Like Us (TI) [haha yep, pretty much ballin]

Your teachers?
The Joker (Steve Miller Band) [haha, they're all a bunch of jokers fo sho]

Your significant other [or crush...]?
Screaming Infidelities (Dashboard Confessional) [omg...I really hope not!]

Yourself?
We Don't Care (Kanye West) [haha yep]

What is your best feature?
Flashing Lights (Kanye West)

What will you be / should you be, profession-wise?
You Don't Know How it Feels (Tom Petty) [lol]

How could you describe this survey?
Too Much to Ask (Avril Lavigne) [hahahaha]

What makes you angry?
Locked Up (Akon) [yep, that would pretty much do it]

What makes you sad?
War All the Time (Thursday) [totally true]

What makes you happy?
The Next Episode (Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg) [haha! YES!]

What makes you dance?
Everywhere But Here (Nick Lachey) [not so much]

What is your favorite color?
Paperthin Hymn (Anberlin)

How would you describe yourself?
It Ends Tonight (All American Rejects) [yikes!]

Who is your worst enemy?
Angel (Sarah McLachlan) [ehhh...no?]

Who do you hate?
Chop Chop (The Academy Is...)

Who do you love?
Wide Open Spaces (Dixie Chicks) [well, we're having a lot of "space" between us now...]

Who do you lust after?
Ghosts (Nick Lachey) [omg...sooo true at times]

Finish the Sentence

I wish: Slow Jamz (Kanye West)

I want to: My Sacrifice (Creed)

I want to kill: Drive (Incubus)

I want to eat: 3 AM (Matchbox 20) [lol...]

My head: Thug Luv (Bone Thugs n Harmony) [yeaaah]

I am: From Yesterday (30 Seconds to Mars) [lol love it]

My best feature is: Jack & Diane (John Cougar Mellencamp)

My eyes are: Irreplaceable (Beyonce) [yep!]

My hair is: Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up (Cypress Hill) [noooo!]

My face is: Invisible (Ashlee Simpson) [aww :(]

You should: Colt 45 (Afroman)

Random

Words of advice: Shhh (Atmosphere) [so true for most people!]

How do others see me?: Walk It Out Remix (DJ Unk) [haha]

How do I see myself?: This Song Brought to You by a Falling Bomb (Thursday) [kinda sad :(]
________


****5****
What Would be Said? Shuffle Survey

Put your iTunes on shuffle, but instead of just putting the name of the song, write the first sentence of the song as a response to the questions.
PS: I skipped the intros on most of these songs and just put the first "real" lines. :)

These were my first words:
Snoooooooop. When the pimps in the crib ma, drop it like it's hot.
"Drop it Like it's Hot" by Snoop Dogg


This is what my mom said when she gave birth to me:
You're there by my side, in every way.
"This I Swear" by Nick Lachey


This is what I say every morning when I wake up:
My eyes are open wide, by the way I made it through the day.
"Second Chance" by Shinedown [appropriate!]

This is what my friends think of me:
Come here girl. What your name is?
"Shake Ya Tailfeather" by Nelly, P.Diddy, and Murphy Lee

These are the first words I spoke to my true love:
When the night has come and the land is dark and the moon is the only light we see.
"Stand by Me" by John Lennon

If someone says this, it makes me mad:
Spread your love and fly.
"Fly" by Sugar Ray

This is my battle cry:
I know what you're doing, I see it all too clear.
"Barely Breathing" by Duncan Sheik

This is my outlook on life:
Tell me do you think it'd be alright if I could just crash here tonight.
"Hey Jealousy" by Gin Blossoms

This is my message to the world:
She said it's cold outside and she hands my my raincoat.
"3 AM" by Matchbox 20

This always cheers me up:
Are you there?
"You Are Not Alone" by Nick Lachey

This is what my last boyfriend/girlfriend said to break up with me:
Snoop D.O. Double G, the way you rip so love-ely
"Snoop D.O. Double G" by Snoop Dogg [lol!]

People think I'm crazy if I say this:
Close your eyes.
"I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men

I said this when I lost my virginity:
Notice me, take my hand.
"Everytime" by Britney Spears

I'd say this to break up with someone:
I would dial the numbers just to listen to your breath.
"Come to my window" by Melissa Etheridge [would be better in the "People would think I'm crazy if... section!]

I said this when I found out I was pregnant/got someone pregnant:
My friends, I'm so depressed.
"My Friends" by Red Hot Chili Peppers [hahahaha, I would totally say that!]

I said this in my wedding vows:
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time.
"What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie [wow, nice title!]

People said this when I got married:
I never said I'd lie in wait forever.
"The Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance

This is what I said when I proposed/was proposed to:
I like pleasure spiked with pain and music is my aeroplane.
"Aeroplane" by Red Hot Chili Peppers

I said this when I was fired from/quit my job:
God show me the way cuz the devil's trying to break me down.
"Jesus Walks" by Kanye West [lol, stickin it to the man eh?]

My last words:
I've got a cupboard with cans of food, filtered water and pictures of you.
"We Will Become Silhouettes" by The Postal Service [haha, fitting]

What people say at my funeral:
They see me rollin', they hatin', tryin to catch my ridin' dirty.
"Ridin' Dirty" by Chamillionaire [lmao!!!!]

list of grievances

Yeah okay, I'm angry. I'll admit it. There are seven stages of grief: denial, pain and guilt, anger, loneliness, the upward turn, reconstruction, and acceptance. I'm currently in the third stage, although it feels like my moods fluctuate on a daily basis. I've definitely been in the denial, pain, and loneliness stages already. Today I just want to air my list of grievances on this relationship:

1. You always have to be right. No matter what I say, I'm wrong and your response to everything I say is "You're just proving my point." Man up and accept the blame when it's appropriate.

2. Hanging up. That's rude. Just don't do it. Even if you don't want to hear what I have to say, there are other ways to go about ending a conversation instead of hanging up on someone.

3. Respect my opinions as I respect yours. You may not like it, but you have to acknowledge that it's an opinion. Opinions can't be right or wrong.

4. Yelling at me is no way to solve a problem.

5. Also, name calling is immature as well as degrading. You don't speak that way to me. I won't listen to it.

6. Ignoring the issue altogether isn't going to solve anything either. I can give you time to cool down before we talk, but we HAVE to talk about it. If it isn't discussed then it will come back later. There's no use in having ghosts of problems past haunting us.

7. Chill out. Don't be so edgy all the time. Stop waiting for me to say something that could be construed as offensive. Don't try to trap me because that's malicious and manipulative.

I love you so much, and I miss you a lot right now. I'm thinking about you and what I can do to make things better for you, and I hope you're doing the same thing for me. I know there are things I need to work on...my tone of voice, the same thing I accused you of doing in #7 above, my attitude. I'm getting there. Stick with me, it takes time. I'll give you all the time you need. I just want us to be happy again. I know the honeymoon stage is over, but there is no reason why we can't be happy like we were. I'm willing to forget the ugly and only stick with the good, but at the same time I know I have to take the good with the bad. Just please know that I'm doing this for our benefit. It hurts but I'm getting better. Each day gets easier.

Please don't forget me.

this is sickening

By now, everyone knows about the whole Chris Brown whaling on Rihanna. It's been weeks and finally someone released (leaked?) the picture the cops took after the beating. Here it is:

Bruised Rihanna

This is why I have almost no faith left in men. There are a few exceptions, but for the most part they are sleezy scumbags who think it's okay to do this to a woman! Why is it okay for you to put your hands on another person? I know every boy has heard from their mother or significant woman figure in their lives that they aren't to hit girls. The same goes for everyone...just keep your hands to yourself! Why is that so damn hard? I'm really sick that someone could harm another human being in such a manner.

Maybe back in the day it was more acceptable to hit a woman if she disobeyed you. If dinner wasn't on the table or the laundry wasn't folded correctly. Drunk men everywhere abused their loving wives, or shall I say, doormats. Sorry men, that isn't in our definition anymore. You can't touch us. You will go to jail and worse, our fathers will beat you to a pulp. Our brothers, male friends, and family members will kill you for laying your dirty hands on us in any inappropriate manner. And we will too. We won't take it anymore.

So next time, before you do something, sit your 40 down and gain some self-control. Don't take your hate for your lowlife self out on your innocent girlfriend who is most likely just upset that you're a pig in every sense of the word.

Here's a big F**K YOU! to Chris Brown. I hope you go to jail you asshole.

bridging the gap

I sometimes find it hard to understand some people...like why they do certain things even though they know it's going to upset other people in their lives. Why do they say such things to people they love? Why do they distance themselves from their friends? Why do they blame people who aren't at fault? It took me a long time to answer these questions about myself. I've grown an extraordinary amount since my high school years. College and a tumultuous relationship have taught me things that I could never have learned on my own, and for that I'm grateful. I was enlightened today when playing around on Facebook. One of my friends had written a note using Urban Dictionary to answer some questions about herself. Silly, I know, but it turned out to be an eye-opener for me. I was thinking about my boyfriend and I...we're currently not on speaking terms due to some things that have happened recently. We're trying to work it out. I just don't understand him sometimes. This note, however silly it may be, helped me to realize that he's just who he is. He does those things not because he's malicious or trying to hurt me or because he doesn't care. He's just that way. There's no changing it. No doubt, some maturation will come with age and more experience, but for the most part he's what he is and he'll always be that way. Anyway, back when I was in sixth grade I loved astrology. I obsessed over my horoscope and my friends and I would always be researching different facts about the zodiac signs. One of the questions on that note on Facebook was about the girl's zodiac sign, which happens to be Gemini, which also happens to be my boyfriend's sign. The definition is as follows:

Gemini is a sign that runs from May 21st to June 20th. Geminis are Creative, artistic, Nice, Intellectual, Individualistic, Outgoing and Compassionate. On the other hand they can also be inconsistent, nervous, nosy and lazy at times.
Gemini's Likes include:

-Talking
-Writing
-Adventure
-Variety in life

Their Dislikes include:

-Boring things
-Labor (such as school)
-Repitition; being in a rut
-Conformity
-Strict People

I see Chris in this description, and though I don't believe that the zodiac is a viable explanation for much of anything anymore, it certainly makes sense. It's funny how one little thing can tie in a past, present, and future so neatly. I mean, reading this definition of a Gemini even now creeps me out a little bit. It's like it was written for him. I'm just glad that the waters have turned clear and that I can begin to understand him a little more. The answer seems so obvious...people just are who they are. Why couldn't I see that before? I'm kind of disappointed in my lack of understanding. Maybe it is a good thing that we're taking this break. I knew it was already, but this affirmed my position and I'm really glad that things seem to be coming together better for me. Hopefully he'll see that within himself too.

Until next time...